Blame Game

For a long time, I blamed myself for Amanda’s death.  I was supposed to be there with her walking the race.  In my mind, if I would have been there she would not have been running, she would have been walking with me therefore she would have been okay.  We would have laughed at how long it took this old woman to walk a half-marathon.  She would have pushed me to finish and we would have talked along the way.   She would not have died.

Somewhere along the way of me training for the half-marathon, I ended up with a stress fracture in my foot.   The doctor told me I could still try to walk the race but everyone (including Amanda) kept telling me no.  I asked Amanda to not run the race.  I even prayed for rain.  I didn’t have a good feeling about her trying to run.  Not sure why, but I did.

So, the first few weeks it kept running through my mind – if I would have just been there, she would still be here.  If I would have been there, she would be poking fun at me.  If I would have been there, we could have talked for the four hours it would have taken me to finish it.  Or, if I would have been there, and it still happened- she collapsed, she died, I could have held her.  If I would have been there, I could have told her I love her one more time.  I could have told her it was going to be okay.

We had a long walk a few weeks before she died.  It was a day I will always remember.  We talked about so many things.  The future, family, dress codes, Church, God, her friends and the gym.  She wanted me to start at the gym.  I told her I thought it was a place she and her husband could use by themselves.  It was a great thing for them to do together.  All couples need some outside hobby they enjoy together.  When I talked about “dress codes”, I got the old – “you are so negative” speech.  I explained to her- I am not trying to be negative – I am trying to give you a warning.  So, we talked about raising four girls in a world that looks at outside appearance.  How I felt like she was falling into the trap of worrying about weight, strength and what she was eating to the point of getting her priorities in the wrong place.  Sending the wrong message to the children.  Life is not about the outside, it’s about our relationships – with God and others.  If we spend so much time looking at the outside and improving the outside, the inside suffers, relationships suffer.  Even family meals had taken on a “what can you eat” mentality.

Well, the conversation gave me something else to blame myself for.  If I would have been more persuasive, maybe she would have chosen to go to her niece’s ballgame over the race.  Normally, or shall I say the “old Amanda” would have been at the ball park.  She would not have been concerned about running a race.  She would have been concerned about spending time with her family.

Which leads me to the next thing I blamed, the Gym.  Really, that’s how my mind was working.  I mean Amanda died surely there was something or someone to blame.  Silly thoughts, huh?  The gym and all it entailed was something that caused her death.   It caused her to start all of this concentration on self.  It caused her to want to run these races.  The gym caused it.  Nope, but it was an easy target.

So, here I was trying to figure out someone to blame.  Surely, there was someone or something to blame.  Then it dawned on me.  God caused this.  God took my baby.  God why?  Why would you do this?  Do you not know, she has children, a husband, nieces, brother/sister in law, mother, father, family and friends who need her?  God, what are you thinking?  God, You took my baby!  God, look around at all of the murderers, and “bad” people in the world.  Why not them?  She was living for You!  Why her?  God was to blame.  I mean after all He controls all.  God numbers our days.  God spoke back to me.

There is a purpose.  He is still in control.  He still loves her children, her husband, her nieces, her brother/sister in law, mother, father, family and friends.  Of course, the answers are found in His Word: “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”  Romans 8:28 (NASB)  All of this will work together for good, for His purpose.  I may not see all of the “purpose” on this side of eternity.  I have seen some of it already though.  I have seen people saved through her testimony.  I have seen people return to God through her testimony.  I have seen her love for The LORD reported through-out the world.  Yes, the world.

The other thing I realized was thank God she was ready.  I know she is in heaven with her Father, Jesus Christ.  All of these other people that I think deserve it would have been condemned to hell.  What a horrible thought.  Better for someone ready to meet The Lord than someone who has not accepted Him as Lord and Savior.  Maybe, just maybe she died so you can read this and realize, you are not ready to meet Him.  God sent His one and only Son to earth, to be born of a virgin, live life as a human, He was tempted as we are every day, lived a perfect life, died on a cross for our sins (we can’t be good enough), rose from the grave, walked on earth to show us He defeated death, ascended to Heaven so that He could send the Holy Spirit to walk within us every day.  The Holy Spirit testifies within us we are saved, gives us guidance and comforts us in this life.

I am now writing this blog, keeping up with a web-site, and a Facebook page because God has given me a purpose of comforting others who have lost a child.  To give a voice to those of us who are living A Parent’s Worst Nightmare.  I can’t imagine going through this without the Lord to lead and comfort me.  Writing this is not easy.  It is hard to say the least to write honestly about my most guarded thoughts.  It’s heart-wrenching at times.  But, I know He has called me to help give others hope.  To let others know, you are not alone.  He is with us, and there are other people all over the world who have been through what you are going through.  We do not need to be silent, we need to speak openly and honestly – to give someone else hope and comfort.  We also need to seek professional help when we need it.  Please, do not live with depression – seek help.  It is not a weakness to need professional guidance,  it’s a source He has given us!  The American Psychological Association can help you find a Psychologist.  The American Psychiatric Association can help you find a Psychiatrist.  PLEASE, never hesitate to seek professional help.  

Yes, I still play the blame game from time to time.  One thing I know at this point in the journey, it’s like nothing else I have ever lived through.  It’s like being on a path where at times you can’t help but take a wrong turn, go down that old same cul-de-sac .  The main thing is to realize it is a wrong turn and return to the straight path.  Return to the right thoughts, actions and emotions.  Don’t give up as you travel.  Don’t give into the thoughts of what could have been.  Think on the things above, things that last beyond this life.   ““Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”  Matthew 6:19-21 (NASB) God is at work around us, we must join Him. We must see how we can help others.  We must love our neighbors as ourselves and continue on in the right direction.

Love to all of you.  I pray today will be a good day for you!

10 thoughts on “Blame Game

  1. I’m in tears. And I want so much to tell you how many different thoughts I have reading this post. I just can’t. Thank you for being willing to be so transparent. What an amazing way to point people towards eternity. Much love, Angela

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  2. So thankful that you have been able to give words to your thoughts. God is and was definitely in control. He had a plan and is still working through you to complete that plan.Pray for you often that peace will fill your heart.

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  3. All parents who have lost a child should read this. I also blame myself when my son died. If I gad called him that morning……it would have changed the time line and he would be alive today. If we had bought him a car instead of a bike……he would not have been riding a bike that day. The reasons go on and on…..it took a long time for me to quit blaming and accept that Gid had a plan and that I was not in control of the things that happened to my son.

    My faith finally brought me through the blame game. I know my Kevin is safe in heaven now. I sure do miss him but I know he is basking in the glow of our Heavenly Father.

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  4. It took me a while to come to the conclusion that God took my son at the right time. His timing is perfect. It was not the right time for me, but it was for God. I too know that Mark is in Heaven. And I will be with him again. Faith proves that.

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  5. Very well written. Your words were echoes of my thoughts after the death of our first son in 1998 and our second in 2009. Just having the assurance that our great God doesn’t waste any suffering and that only He truly can work all things together for good were such comforting thoughts. He is faithful and just and He is worthy of our trust.

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  6. So losing a child would be totally heartbreaking. I would have a horrible time understanding and I think I would feel so alone. I am sorry that pain stays and stays.
    We all deal with traumatic things, some things are tougher than others. Cancer, divorce, suicide, all heart breaking all things that stay painful. Losing a child or any family member is terrible because you wonder how you can live without them or if you could have done something to prevent it from happening.
    James 5:10-11
    Brothers and sisters, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.

    I pray for you and your family. May God Give strength to each one of you and comfort you for the rest of your days. Be a beacon to others thru tough times and good times. Faithful to Him that has been and IS the light of the world. In Jesus , I pray.

    The one thing that stays steadfast is His love for us and our faithfulness to Him.

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  7. Unfortunately I have written similar words so I connect with you. Our 30 year old daughter was killed in a car accident in 2008. My husband and I inherited her now 20 year old son who has Down Syndrome. Just like your daughter, my daughter was walking through each day with God. That enabled me to survive and to even help others through grief as I began leading a GriefShare group in our church. This past October, the unbelievable happened when our 34 year old son died suddenly from heart problems. Thank God, he too was a Christian. Once again we continue to live this life only because of our relationships with Jesus Christ. We have one surviving son that is a police officer. He assures me that He is exactly where God has placed him in this life. We continue to not only survive, but we experience the joy that God alone gives us. God is good. He is faithful and I trust Him in everything, even the loss of two children.
    I’m praying God blesses you and continues to use you to bring glory to himself.

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  8. I play back all the scenario’s over in my head – the ‘what if’s’ should we have done this etc. we can’t change what’s happened. We lost our 20 year old son Jacob in October last year after a short 13 month battle with Ewing’s sarcoma. We are learning to live our lives without our beautiful brown eyed boy. I’m hoping my words that I write in honour of Jacob help others in their own road of grief and loss – thanks for sharing your heartfelt words x

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  9. Thank you for your words. As I read I recognized myself and my same thoughts. I lost my grandson April 5, 2015. Before his death I posted his picture on a family FB page and noted he was my treasure. Immediately the thought came to me “lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth”! I have often wondered was God trying to tell me something then. There are no words to express my love for him. He was 18, killed in an auto accident coming to our house. Grief is such hard work and is such a struggle to survive at times. But, through it all I know God has a greater plan, one I may never know but none the less HIS plan. Prior to his death and still today I pray that my family be saved no matter what. I trust God’s plan and I believe something good will come from my grandsons death. I believe I will see him in heaven. I called him my sugar pudding brown eyed boy and I miss him so.

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