Anguish, Agony

Today is one of those days I am in anguish or agony.   I just want to touch her, hold her, kiss her, hear her say “I love you Momma”.  I want to go shopping with her – pick out a special dress for a cruise or get clothes for the kids starting back to school.  Just to hear her come bounding in the house as a teenager and tell me what happened today.  Even running in from outside as a child to tell me “they are picking on me!”   I can picture in my mind the day we had her bridal portrait made and how beautiful she was and how she was having such fun posing for the camera.  I want to hear the excitement in her voice again.  The way she would say “off the chain” or “they ain’t right”.  I want her to help me sort through school supplies for kids in need.   I want her to call me and say “hey mom, whatcha doing?”

Today, I miss her until my body aches.  Why?  I am not sure.  Maybe it is because school is starting back.  Maybe it’s because I have thought about the summer and the things we did and she wasn’t there.  Who knows?  It just happens sometimes – the overwhelming feeling of pain and anguish and agony of missing her physical company.

I want to curl up in a ball.  Sleep – maybe I’ll dream about her and feel her.  Stay in this house, by myself in my grief and sorrow.  I want to weep and cry and scream.  Yep, that’s what I want to do.  I know many of you feel the same way at times.  You have shared with me your days of anguish.  Those of us living through A Parent’s Worst Nightmare – Losing a Child, well, we know exactly how these days come.  But, we cannot give up and we cannot give in.

I can’t.  I won’t.  Why?   I will not give into Satan trying to keep me from continuing today.  God has something good in store for me today or Satan wouldn’t be trying to hold me in this house.

What do I do?  The first thing I did was get out of bed and go up to my “quiet” place.  I opened God’s Word and began to be led by the Holy Spirit to scriptures to help comfort and encourage me. I talked openly with Jesus about the way I feel.  Talking out loud helps a lot.  Then I listened.  Sat quietly and listened and reflected on what I read.

Jesus felt anguish, agony.  Jesus knew the hour was coming when He was going to die on the cross for my sins.  I can’t imagine.  Jesus, Innocent, Messiah, King of Kings and Lord of Lords having to be tortured and die such a horrible death because of me.  Because He loves US.  I can’t imagine the agony and anguish He felt.

 “And being in agony, He prayed more earnestly. Then His sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.” Luke 22:44 (NKJV)

“And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.”  Luke 22:44 (NIV)

Then I read this:  “Nevertheless I must journey today, tomorrow, and the day following….. Luke 13:33a (NKJV) – Jesus had been told to get out of the city, Herod wanted to kill Him.

 What to do?  Lord willing (none of us is promised the next moment), I will go to a Church Staff Meeting planned for this morning, go to the office and do my job, pick up some children for Church tonight, go to Church and put together school supply boxes, etc. etc.  I will also be watching and paying attention to God working around me.  The person or people He will put in my path today who I can encourage to keep going.  I will join Him where He is working and most of all – I will rejoice in the day He has given me.  I will be glad.  Not because of anything I can do or will do – none of this can be done without Him.  I have no strength, I have only His strength.  But, I know without a doubt, He understands everything and will be with me every step I take.

Somewhere today a child will die.  A mother will go through what we are going through.  If you are reading this, know you are not alone.  There are many of us out here but more importantly – God is with you.  You are not alone – Don’t give up – Don’t give in.  Live this minute, this hour, this day, whatever it takes to get through.  God is the Victor!  He will send you comfort and encouragement.  Just ask for it.  Tell Him everything, He already knows.  If you can’t pray, ask Jesus to pray for you.  He will see us through every moment, every tear, every hurt, every day.

Please, if you are reading this and are so deep within a depression – seek Professional help!  This site is NOT to be substituted for professional help.

If you feel depressed, please seek professional assistance. Talk to your Doctor as soon as possible to let them know you need help.  The American Psychological Association can help you find a local Psychologist.  The American Psychiatric Association can help you find a Psychiatrist. Please never hesitate to seek professional help!

Prayers for all of you!!!  Love to all of you!!!