Conversations with Amanda would have been so wonderful over the last few weeks and months. We (our family) would have been talking about all of the news happening and that has happened over the last year and seven months. We enjoyed talking politics and news. I can hear her all animated, talking so fast and so sure of her opinion about all of the protest – before and after the election. All the deaths and shootings involving police and the shooting of police officers. Serious subjects – she would have been right on top of all of it.
We would have been talking “smack” regarding football. Gamecocks all the way. I have missed her not going to the games. I have missed seeing her all excited and giving everyone a hard time. Especially Clemson fans, didn’t matter whether we won or lost and it didn’t matter whether Clemson was undefeated – she would have given all her Clemson friends a hard time. Amanda with her quick wit would have come up with something. Oh, and our Gamecocks beat Tennessee – she would have been something. It would have been on.
Then there would have been our conversations about all the birthdays in the family this time of year. We would have talked a lot about how fast time is going by. We would have talked about the birth of the children. How the births went from funny to pro. Amanda and I would have talked about me filming one of the births (it was not very good to put it nicely!) and laughed out loud. How I miss her laugh. Bursting with such energy.
Operation Christmas Child is going on now. We had our “pack and rap” party at church not long ago. She would have been right there. Rapping loudly! Amanda would have helped me set up with all the children probably – we would have been talking about all kinds of things. From the above subjects to telling the children how blessed they are. How God blessed them abundantly with stuff but the important part of life is not things. We would have had a good time. Of course, she would have fussed at me a little about something and I would have gone right back at her.
Thanksgiving would be planned. She would have wanted to know what was going to happen and where it was going to happen. She always looked forward to the whole family getting together. We would have laughed about collards being healthy because they are green! (Inside joke) Amanda would talk about how many desserts she was going to eat. She made her “cheat” days count. Amanda could put away more food than anyone would ever believe, especially to be so small.
Christmas. Here it is upon us. We would have talked about matching PJ’s for the kids. Christmas Eve Eve sleepover for the grands at our house. She not only would give me list for the children but she would give me list for her and her husband- with pictures! She would have told me once again not to go “overboard”. Amanda would have told me about the “deals” she found. Decide what she was going to buy and plan out her “black Friday” shopping. Ask me once again if I wanted to go – I regret never going. We would have been discussing the upcoming “Live Nativity” at Spears Creek Baptist Church (our Church). She enjoyed being a part of each year. Amanda and I would have discussed by now the “Happy Birthday, Jesus” party at church and how I shouldn’t go overboard on the gifts for the children.
I miss all the conversations. Even the phone calls that began with “What you doing?” then “What you doing?”. The calls that began with “What y’all doing tonight for supper?” (This was code for let’s go out to eat.) I miss the calls about loose teeth, bumps on the head or one of the kids crying because they passed our house and want to see or stay with Grandma. I miss the conversations about how the kids are doing in school and award days.
I miss all of the conversations we would have had. These days are hard ones. Just thinking about the conversations – small ones, important ones, short ones, long ones, silly ones, serious ones. I miss the conversations about life, loved ones, and HIM.
My heart aches to talk to her. If you have had a child die that was old enough to talk, you know what I mean. It’s nothing like talking to your children. You remember their first words and now we remember their last words to us. Shouldn’t be that way. I shouldn’t have to remember her last words in this world. But, I do.
I talk to Jesus a lot about all of these feelings. I ask Him to help me. It’s really all I know to do.
“My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.” And my heart responds, “LORD, I am coming.” Psalm 27:8 (NLT)
Love and hugs to all of you,
Manda’s Mom #APG