#APG - five years in a row

Conversations with Amanda would have been so wonderful over the last few weeks and months.  We (our family) would have been talking about all of the news happening and that has happened over the last year and seven months.   We enjoyed talking politics and news.  I can hear her all animated, talking so fast and so sure of her opinion about all of the protest – before and after the election.   All the deaths and shootings involving police and the shooting of police officers.  Serious subjects – she would have been right on top of all of it.

We would have been talking “smack” regarding football.  Gamecocks all the way.  I have missed her not going to the games.  I have missed seeing her all excited and giving everyone a hard time.  Especially Clemson fans, didn’t matter whether we won or lost and it didn’t matter whether Clemson was undefeated – she would have given all her Clemson friends a hard time.  Amanda with her quick wit would have come up with something.  Oh, and our Gamecocks beat Tennessee – she would have been something.  It would have been on.

Standing on her head at Williams Brice

Then there would have been our conversations about all the birthdays in the family this time of year.  We would have talked a lot about how fast time is going by.  We would have talked about the birth of the children.  How the births went from funny to pro.  Amanda and I would have talked about me filming one of the births (it was not very good to put it nicely!) and laughed out loud.  How I miss her laugh.  Bursting with such energy.

Operation Christmas Child is going on now.  We had our “pack and rap” party at church not long ago.  She would have been right there.  Rapping loudly!   Amanda would have helped me set up with all the children probably – we would have been talking about all kinds of things.  From the above subjects to telling the children how blessed they are.  How God blessed them abundantly with stuff but the important part of life is not things.  We would have had a good time.  Of course, she would have fussed at me a little about something and I would have gone right back at her.

Thanksgiving would be planned.  She would have wanted to know what was going to happen and where it was going to happen.  She always looked forward to the whole family getting together.  We would have laughed about collards being healthy because they are green! (Inside joke) Amanda would talk about how many desserts she was going to eat.  She made her “cheat” days count.  Amanda could put away more food than anyone would ever believe, especially to be so small.

Christmas.  Here it is upon us.  We would have talked about matching PJ’s for the kids.  Christmas Eve Eve sleepover for the grands at our house.  She not only would give me list for the children but she would give me list for her and her husband- with pictures!  She would have told me once again not to go “overboard”.  Amanda would have told me about the “deals” she found.  Decide what she was going to buy and plan out her “black Friday” shopping.  Ask me once again if I wanted to go – I regret never going.  We would have been discussing the upcoming “Live Nativity” at Spears Creek Baptist Church (our Church).  She enjoyed being a part of each year. Amanda and I would have discussed by now  the “Happy Birthday, Jesus” party at church and how I shouldn’t go overboard on the gifts for the children.

I miss all the conversations.  Even the phone calls that began with “What you doing?” then “What you doing?”.  The calls that began with “What y’all doing tonight for supper?” (This was code for let’s go out to eat.)  I miss the calls about loose teeth, bumps on the head or one of the kids crying because they passed our house and want to see or stay with Grandma.  I miss the conversations about how the kids are doing in school and award days.

I miss all of the conversations we would have had.  These days are hard ones.  Just thinking about the conversations – small ones, important ones, short ones, long ones, silly ones, serious ones.  I miss the conversations about life, loved ones, and HIM.

My heart aches to talk to her.  If you have had a child die that was old enough to talk, you know what I mean. It’s nothing like talking to your children.  You remember their first words and now we remember their last words to us.  Shouldn’t be that way.  I shouldn’t have to remember her last words in this world.  But, I  do.

I talk to Jesus a lot about all of these feelings.  I ask Him to help me.  It’s really all I know to do.

“My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”  And my heart responds, “LORD, I am coming.”  Psalm 27:8  (NLT)

Love and hugs to all of you,

Manda’s Mom #APG

7 thoughts on “Conversations

  1. I found this by accident looking for a support system for a client asking me for a referral for an employee who lost a 30 yr old daughter. This has very emotional impact on me. I was 17 yrs old when my 20 year old sister was murdered. I never have gotten over the loss of my only sister and that occurred 43 years ago.
    Yet, over my lifetime of grief, I always worried and wondered and thought, if this is so horrific for me how does my mom even get out of bed. My mom was an amazing mother and I know she survived for my sake and I survived for her sake. She laughed, she worked, she golfed and she looked out for me until her death in 2012. I miss her so much. I tried to bring joy to her for two daughters until I had my own life traumas. Once again, my mom step up and was there for me.
    I am so glad you have this outlet to reach out and touch the hearts of others. I am very glad you have a strong connection with God.
    Although i have not had the time to read all and to understand your support system etc. I felt very moved to share, you are a blessing to be so brave to share with others and find an outlet to express all you are going through. The roller coaster goes as high as the sky and as deep and the ocean, just like the love a parent has for a child and the love a child has for their mother! Thank you for sharing and my heart goes out to you Big healing hug. deb


  2. Oh, how I understand! Been having a rough day here. Every Thursday I go to Stefanie’s grave on the way to pick up her daughter for gymnastics. I throw out the old flowers, and put the new ones in fresh water. It’s good to see all the ones that other people have left since the last time I visited. It assures me how much she meant to her friends. I make dinner in the crockpot, pick up my granddaughter, take her to class, then drive to my Griefshare class. It’s a long day and so the next day I’m tired and often depressed. I expect that. My husband works long hours and I’m lonely for him. I, too, wish I could hear the phone ring and hear her voice saying, “Hi Mom, what cha doin’?”
    I miss her so, and I hate seeing her kids grow up without her, her husband struggle to do everything by himself. I am so thankful for the gift of her, but I wasn’t ready to give that gift up.


  3. Such a beautiful place to share all we wish we could share, my experience is one of Imagining, I have a wee grandangel who was born way too early and passed way too early, she would be eight now, and would look just like my youngest daughter, her mom. When I feel very beyond myself with sadness, I talk to her, imagine her spirited determined voice telling Nana she is okay, I talk about her all the time and share my love of her with anyone who is around. I have seven more grandbabes, and every year buy decorations for them all, special ones for Hannah to keep her on the tree. I imagine the vitality and energy Hannah would have with her little brother, and wish I could have helped her stay. At nineteen Hannah’s mommy and daddy decided to let Hannah wear her wings, how strong and loving they are to let this darling fly. She gave a huge smile just days before leaving us and I cherish this beautiful gift from this pint sized tornado who breezed in to our world and left in a whisper. Blessed are we who can cherish and remember our children and grandchildren, even if it is beyond our comprehension as humans. Thank you for letting me share, 💕


  4. I was looking for a support group when i came across ur site. I lost my daughter aug 27th of this year. She was 47 and my best friend. I need support and somewhere to talk to others who are going thru the same thing. Holidays are so hard. We cooked Thanksgiving dinner together since she got married.Its my first one without her. IM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS ALSO.


  5. Hello, a friend of mine told me about your blog. I am the mother of Katherine Ard Iseman the firefighter instructor who passed away suddenly on Sept. 20 leaving behind a husband and two young children.
    It is not a coincidence that the first post I read is what are you have for supper. My husband and I just said that Friday night as we sat in the chair. We too would be waiting for her call. What are y’all doing for supper? And off we would go. I plan to read through your blog as this is the closest I have seen of the losing a child like we have unexpected and leaving behind young children. I know others who have lost but none like ours. Thank you for sharing your story.


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