I haven’t written anything since before Thanksgiving. Several reasons. Thinking, praying, listening, watching, working, wondering are among the things I have been doing. Amanda’s birthday and the 20th month anniversary of her death also happened during the time I have been away
Before Thanksgiving I wrote about being thankful for those who were present and try not to dwell on those who were not. I had prayed and prayed about it – to have a good outlook, a godly mindset. I had my hopes up that it was going to be a wonderful day. We enjoyed lunch with my Mom. My brother was in town, it was nice. Had dinner with my son and his family, we enjoyed it. By the end of the night though, I was in tears. I was so very upset. Mainly at myself, once again I got my hopes up only to be disappointed which sent me into thinking about the way things used to be. How much things had changed. I was so angry at myself for getting my hopes up. I should have realized not to get my hopes up.
It made me start praying and thinking about what the Lord will have me to do. It made me search and be sure I am doing what God would have me to do. The writing of my blog has upset some of those close to me. I have not written anything other than my feelings and what I am going through. Many of you have made it clear you have been going through the exact same thing. I was so very sure it was Gods leading when I started this, now I was beginning to have doubts. Thinking maybe things around me would get better if I quit writing. It has not. God has shown me, He wants me to write – it is very clear to me.
Friday, Dec. 9th was Amanda’s birthday; it was hard to say the least. Thankfully, I was busy with a live Nativity at our church. We did have a few people acknowledge it – let us know they knew it had to be difficult. Others acted like they could care less. Sunday, Dec. 11th was the 20th month anniversary of her death. I am still amazed by the fact people actually think I should be fine by now. Doctor told me, it’s normal. Really only other mothers who have had a child die would understand. But, like I say the Lord sent the live Nativity our way to keep us busy.
I have also realized I need to quit trying to make things what they are not. I need to quit putting my trust in man. “It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.” Psa 118:8 (NASB) “Do not trust in princes, in mortal man, in whom there is no salvation.” Psa 146:3 Man will at one time or another let me down. The only one who will not is the Lord. I must continue to put my trust in Him, anything less is sin. “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and turn away form evil.” Pro 3:5-7
I am hurt. I do not know what to do about it. I am not angry or bitter or holding a grudge – I am hurt. Actually, hurt seems not to be strong enough but I can’t find another word at the moment. Simple things could be done to bring some comfort to me and my husband but…… Then I think, there you go again, putting trust in people again. I just do not know how to deal with it. Sometimes I am fine, I don’t think about it. Then, something is said or done and it all comes back. The hurt.
I know many of you are dealing with hurt also. It’s a common element going through something major in our lives. We want others to understand and sacrifice just a little something to help us through – to show us you love us. Especially, our families. At least think a little bit before you do or say something that may be hurtful. It’ not going to happen. How do I know, because it’s human nature. I have hurt people. There are times I know about and times I don’t know. Especially over the last 20 months.
But, I am so very hurt. I just don’t know what to do. I keep praying for the Lord to take the hurt away. I am praying to not hurt anyone.
Love is the only answer I can come up with. Love one another. “Love does no harm to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.” Rom 13:10 “Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8 “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all transgressions.” Pro 10:12
I have to have more love. I have to see people the way Jesus sees people. I must love more.
Love and prayers, Manda’s Mom #APG