I haven’t written anything since before Thanksgiving. Several reasons. Thinking, praying, listening, watching, working, wondering are among the things I have been doing. Amanda’s birthday and the 20th month anniversary of her death also happened during the time I have been away
Before Thanksgiving I wrote about being thankful for those who were present and try not to dwell on those who were not. I had prayed and prayed about it – to have a good outlook, a godly mindset. I had my hopes up that it was going to be a wonderful day. We enjoyed lunch with my Mom. My brother was in town, it was nice. Had dinner with my son and his family, we enjoyed it. By the end of the night though, I was in tears. I was so very upset. Mainly at myself, once again I got my hopes up only to be disappointed which sent me into thinking about the way things used to be. How much things had changed. I was so angry at myself for getting my hopes up. I should have realized not to get my hopes up.
It made me start praying and thinking about what the Lord will have me to do. It made me search and be sure I am doing what God would have me to do. The writing of my blog has upset some of those close to me. I have not written anything other than my feelings and what I am going through. Many of you have made it clear you have been going through the exact same thing. I was so very sure it was Gods leading when I started this, now I was beginning to have doubts. Thinking maybe things around me would get better if I quit writing. It has not. God has shown me, He wants me to write – it is very clear to me.
Friday, Dec. 9th was Amanda’s birthday; it was hard to say the least. Thankfully, I was busy with a live Nativity at our church. We did have a few people acknowledge it – let us know they knew it had to be difficult. Others acted like they could care less. Sunday, Dec. 11th was the 20th month anniversary of her death. I am still amazed by the fact people actually think I should be fine by now. Doctor told me, it’s normal. Really only other mothers who have had a child die would understand. But, like I say the Lord sent the live Nativity our way to keep us busy.
I have also realized I need to quit trying to make things what they are not. I need to quit putting my trust in man. “It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.” Psa 118:8 (NASB) “Do not trust in princes, in mortal man, in whom there is no salvation.” Psa 146:3 Man will at one time or another let me down. The only one who will not is the Lord. I must continue to put my trust in Him, anything less is sin. “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and turn away form evil.” Pro 3:5-7
I am hurt. I do not know what to do about it. I am not angry or bitter or holding a grudge – I am hurt. Actually, hurt seems not to be strong enough but I can’t find another word at the moment. Simple things could be done to bring some comfort to me and my husband but…… Then I think, there you go again, putting trust in people again. I just do not know how to deal with it. Sometimes I am fine, I don’t think about it. Then, something is said or done and it all comes back. The hurt.
I know many of you are dealing with hurt also. It’s a common element going through something major in our lives. We want others to understand and sacrifice just a little something to help us through – to show us you love us. Especially, our families. At least think a little bit before you do or say something that may be hurtful. It’ not going to happen. How do I know, because it’s human nature. I have hurt people. There are times I know about and times I don’t know. Especially over the last 20 months.
But, I am so very hurt. I just don’t know what to do. I keep praying for the Lord to take the hurt away. I am praying to not hurt anyone.
Love is the only answer I can come up with. Love one another. “Love does no harm to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.” Rom 13:10 “Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8 “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all transgressions.” Pro 10:12
I have to have more love. I have to see people the way Jesus sees people. I must love more.
Love and prayers, Manda’s Mom #APG
A Parent's Grief - #APG 
I don’t know you, but I am grateful (beyond ability to express) for your sincerity… Your deep care for others even in the midst of your pain surely shines through your words. You are allowing God to cover you with His unfailing love… and He will do all that is necessary in His grace. I am so sorry for your loss; the dates are incredibly hard, I know. Your daughter is beautifully LOVED by you; that never changes.
My heartfelt sympathy, from a sister in Christ our Redeemer
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Cindy
I thought of Amanda on Dec 9th, I elected not to say anything to you. I realize it is ok to do that but I don’t want you to get upset. We don’t forget her, she was a big part of SCBC and was loved by so many as evidence by her funeral turnout.
I really didn’t know Amanda well but knew that she was a Christian and I could see that in her actions. Praise the Lord she touched so many in her spiritual walk. She was happy and she adored her children. Things seemed as though they were almost perfect for y’all. That is why it is so hard to see the hurt y’all are going thru. Your heart was broken and it is something you can’t fix. The pain and hurt you feel are so real and it is an everyday occurrence. Maybe , just maybe , you need to take a day at a time and not think you have to get over it but think wow, I did ok today. You never want to forget all the good and bad times because they are treasured memories. The good days and bad days are going to be there your whole life . Love those around you, laugh at funny things , and know that your friends see your hurt and love you. We want you to have fun and it’s ok to have fun Cindy. And the days you are down it’s ok to cry and feel that pain. Know that you are loved by so many and know that those people that want you ok are not going thru what you are going thru. . I pray that you and your family have comfort .
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The best we can hope to do is manage our pain. That means at times the pain is unmanageable and other times is ok. I suffer from physical pain to so I was familar with this concept. I’ve discovered that I can find comfort thru God and then pass that on to other suffers. “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.”
2 Corinthians 1:3-7 NIV
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Following you reminds me I am not alone. I know God is always with me but to listen to another mom is helpful. It’s helpful to know my. Crazy thoughts are shared & not so crazy after all. A mother needs reassurance she will be okay. Maybe not today…but the sun will greet me in the morning. Thank you for sharing.
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My daughter Sarah passed away 8/13/2015 after a long cruel illness and I stayed home taking care of her for the last 10 years. She was never able to have a real life or joy or relief from pain. None of the firsts that most girls have when growing up and therefore I never was able to share so many mother-daughter moments and experiences. Her birthday is coming up 12/24 and it is bearing down on me something awful. I wish I knew others like you that I could have coffee with and share. Someone who knew from experience not just counseling me. I wish
I was looking forward to Christmas but am not. I am very aware there are other mothers going through the same so I pray for them and ask for prayers.
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You put into words how I think and feel. I pray everyday that the hurt will lessen. It does not. It’s worse every minute. I’m not alone since I found your site. Thank you.
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There are no words to make it go away. Just know you are loved. Find a purpose something to help someone else – look around it is there. God shows up in awesome ways to help us. Love to you.
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I know how the hurt actually gets worse with time. It’s because it has been longer since we have seen our child. Others tell us time will lesson grief, but for some that is not true. I am with you in my heart.
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