Dear Amanda


Dear Amanda,

There is not a word for how much I miss you.  I keep imagining you in heaven.  With Jesus, singing praises to Him, dancing and so filled with joy.  Are you singing Holy, Holy, Holy over and over again.  I imagine you running and skipping on the streets of gold, again singing to the top of your lungs.  How’s your mansion look?  Did God monogram everything like you used to do?  (smile)  I keep thinking about how wonderful it must be to constantly be in an atmosphere with no sin.  I just can’t imagine it.

The kids are all doing okay.  Busy with everything- archery, music, softball, and gymnastics.  They ask and talk about you a lot.  We tell them how you were such a good mom and aunt.  Stories of you growing up, time you spent with them, trips we took together and everything else we can remember.  They like pretending they are you.  Playing house, restaurant, hair stylist – even took us on a tour of the Live Nativity with Amanda as our guide. They love looking at pictures of you too.  Ask me for pictures all the time.   The little one ask me to hug him as tight as you used to hug him.  They definitely have not  forgotten you.

I’m trying my best to take care of your dad.  I know you always worried about him!  He’s under a lot of stress, his blood pressure is high now.  I guess it’s to be expected.  He’s not used to the family being so, so, well, I don’t know a word to use.  Anyway, I try not to stress him out too much! (smile)  You know him, he doesn’t like tension – deals with it all day at work.  He’s trying.  He’s scared.  He’s putting on a good face.  He misses you so very much.  He was telling some of the kids this past weekend, he called you “Smurfette” – he loves talking about you.  You were his baby girl.

The Palmetto Half Marathon is tomorrow.  We walked the 5k last year with a bunch of friends.  Not even going this year.  Can’t bring ourselves to go.  Attitudes have changed toward the race.  A friend is going to get us a couple shirts, which is nice.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017 will be 2 years since you met Jesus face to face.  I can’t believe so much time has passed.  So much has changed.  Some good, some bad, some very bad.  But, your dad and I still have hope.  We are both relying on our faith in Jesus.  It helps to know you are with the Lord. We are thankful to know without a doubt.   It’s hard for us though.  Missing you.

Easter is a week from Sunday.  Easter was our last “holiday” together with you.  This will be the first year we will not be with the whole family on Easter.  We don’t have everyone together anymore.  It’s too hard on all of us.  Strange isn’t it.  You would be so disappointed.  Knowing that upsets us too.    Not anything we can do though.

I can’t write any more right now, Punk.  Been a rough week.  Can’t keep my thoughts together enough.  Know this, I will do my best. I will keep going.  Not because I’m strong, like you used to say, but because God is.   I do long to be with Him.  No more pain.  Wiping away tears.  No sin.  I envy you.  “For me to live is Christ, to die is gain.” Phil 1:21 I really understand the verse more now.  I am thankful to not be alone!

I love you, I miss you, kisses – Manda’s Mom #APG


15 thoughts on “Dear Amanda

  1. I lost my 24 ye
    ar old son 11 yearz ago this coming September. There are no words for the loss of a child. There is no way to fill the empty hole. He is never more than a second from my thoughts and prayers


  2. I lost my 24 year old son 11 years ago this coming September. There are no words for the loss of a child. There is no way to fill the empty hole. He is never more than a second from my thoughts and prayers


  3. I can empathize with you. I lost my 31 year old daughter on Sept. 20 leaving behind a five and seven year old girls and husband. As time goes on and our lives are turned upside down changed forever, the only thing that keeps me going is to know that in the Bible God says that our days are numbered. God knew his plan for her before she was born. God placed us and other special people in the girls lives so we could carry on the plans she had for the girls. They are why I get up each day. One day we will all be together again as both girls were saved before she was called home. She watches over us and sends signs along our way. For example every time we go or take the girls someplace we always see a cardinal fly in front of my car. Only on days when we are doing for the girls. She lets us know she knows. Prays for peace and comfort for your family as you continue your journey.


  4. So sorry for loosing your beautiful Amanda . We just lost our beautiful Payton one month tomorrow- she was 23. Some moments I just don’t know how I can live my life without her.
    I know your pain


    1. Hi Dena, my first time on this site. It helps to share with someone walking the path I am walking. It’s been nearly 8 months since we lost our 25 year old only daughter to suicide. She had dealt with depression and anxiety many years. Beautiful and a talented musician, I couldn’t imagine her ever being gone. Struggling, yes. She loved people, music, nature and life but always felt like it wasn’t enough and she needed medication to cope. We were always trying to get her help. She was a believer but didn’t know how the Lord could ever heal her of her misery. We have learned to keep going, live our lives and even find hope and joy again, even though the void never gets easier. I think of her and cry every day. I know she would want us to be happy and keep serving the Lord. Roman’s 8:18 was one of her favorite verses to share and comforts me. I pray you find comfort to!
      Janie Hughes


  5. I don’t know your story and don’t know the whys. But I do know a story in which I struggled with possibly loosing someone in my life to drug addiction. It was hard very very hard and even now that things seemed to have settled, there’s still that worry lurking in the shadows. Much prayer for you. Be strong!


  6. God’s grace carries us. I understand the pain. Thanking the Holy Spirit for His peace in our hearts till the day we hold our loved ones again.


  7. Miss your post, I can’t imagine how hard it is for you. You been a huge support for me.. Hope all is well with you . Prayer to all of the Moms in this horrible Club


  8. This is my first post I lost my precious daughter march 14,2017 I am so lonely for her she was such a beautiful person but she didn’t see this I just don’t know how to make it through this it seems like I am making progress and then I fall apart again I have God in my life that’s the only reason I have gotten this far please pray for me as I will for all of you


    1. Dear Rhonda, I am so tremendously sorry for the horrible loss of your beautiful daughter. You (like me; it’s been just 7 weeks since I lost my son to suicidr) are in the very early stages of grief. I, too, go forward and backwards on this painful journey. I keep telling myself this excruciating time won’t last forever. I expect to always have a heartache, until I see him again in the presence of Jesus, but I trust the kind of pain I’m experiencing right now (so new, shocking, and raw) will ease up. It’s such a process.

      10 years ago I lost my beloved stepson (I knoe/loved him for 8 years) to drug addiction. He had just graduated from medical school. So, I recall the grieving process for him. But having my biological son (my first baby at the young age of 20) adds yet another dimension to my grief. He was conceived in my womb. You can’t be any more bonded to another human being than that. I,

      I, too, rely on God to take a step at a time forward (especially on days I’d rather just stay in bed all day). That being said, grief is exhausting, and I take more naps than I used to, and know good rest helps one heal. My heart is with you, Rhonda. You’re going to make it through to the other end. Life will always be difficult without your daughter, but you will discover more strength, peace, and purpose in the weeks, months, and years to come.

      Matt’s Mom, Pam


  9. Our wonderful 31 year old so passed away December 3, 2017. Just writing that has caused me to begin to shake and breathe irradicly. I have no idea how to navigate this grief. My husband is supportive but doesn’t understand my deep yearning and longing for Justin.
    Justin was born with spina bifida and hydrocephalus . He was the most remarkable baby, boy, young man I’ve ever known. Determined to live life as he wanted he left home at 18 and followed his dream of being independent. Two hours from home and making his own decisions, including medical decisions.
    I lived for 31 years always determined he would out live me. I couldn’t imagine a nightmare worse than losing a child. Without God I don’t know if I can.
    Justin is the middle child of 7. He changed our lives with his birth but even more with life. He taught us compassion, joy, silliness, Love for God, Family and Life. One minute I think I’ve got this, the next I’m a pile of tears. We still have two children at home ages 12 and 13 and they don’t get it.
    I am thankful to find this group and wish I never had to look for it. I am holding on to hope and appreciate the possibility of walking this road with you.


  10. I feel so sad all the time.I just lost my daughter on March 7, 2018, the day before her father, my husbands birthday.It was sudden she passed in her sleep.We called an ambulance, doctors tried every thing but it was to late.Time of death is the last thing they said..She was just 14 months young.They dont know why or how which makes it that much harder.I live everyday with a mask and move like a robot doing what people say i should be doing but underneath all that , im broken anr it feels like a peice.How do I enjoy life again?Getting up in the morning is a struggle to say the trying to be strong for everyone but tell me, how do i breathe with out the ache in my chest ?how do I say her name without loosing my breath?How do I look at her pictures and not crummble?please help me …


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