Mother’s Day after a Child Dies

Amanda and I used do a skit on Mother’s Day in our church.  The skit was more of a reading.  We did it several times over the years.  I loved performing it with her. The skit was about us as Mothers taking care of our children as they were growing up.   Over the years we had people request for us to perform the skit.

Things I would say as a Mom to Amanda –  “Put your sweater on, it’s cold outside.”  “Be careful walking down the steps, you don’t want to fall and break a leg.”  “Hold my hand, we are crossing the road”.  Things Mom do – Tuck them in bed,  kiss and hug them, bandage their boo-boo’s, drive them to wherever they need to go.

Then the skit moved to Amanda saying and doing the same things for me.  How the roles would change to her taking care of me.  Telling me to “Put your sweater on, it’s cold outside.”  I’m sure you get the picture.

In our family, we would get to talking about my husband and myself getting older and/or dying.  I have pointed out several things in my house that are to be passed down.  The kids used to laugh and say the first thing they were going to do was have a garage sell.  They were glad I pointed out the things which would bring the higher price.  My son-in-law used to tell me, I should be very thankful for him.  He would be the one to take care of me.  I always said I know and I was and still am very thankful for him.  As I am for my daughter-in-law.  But the point is – it’s not so funny now.   A parent should never have to bury their child, but unfortunately it happens every day.

Amanda took care of us while she was alive in several ways.  She was my prayer partner.  She would stock up on different grocery items (coupons!) and give them to us.  She would go with me to grocery shop for vacations and would go with me to pick out clothes for the kids – especially the holiday stuff.  I’ve always enjoyed buying their clothes for Easter and Christmas especially.  Amanda would always check to make sure we were alright on our travels.  When we were leaving and when we were coming back.  Any time I had something to prepare for at Church, she was there to help.  Children’s Church, AWANA, Children’s activities….she would make the time.  Amanda was a care giver.  Not just to us, but to her brother and nieces.  Funny, the one thing she wouldn’t do was help clean up the kitchen after family dinners!!

The last month has been absolutely horrible.  That’s putting it mildly actually.  Between the anniversary of her death and Mother’s Day coming, I am struggling.  There are only a couple of people I have told how bad I feel.  But, I am going on.  I dread just about everything.  When I feel like something good is happening or has happened, there is someone or something to blast it all out of the water.

Yes, it has been two years.  No, I am not over it.  Please, try to imagine – burying your child.  Please, try to imagine – your family life being totally disrupted.  Please, try to imagine – people saying horrible things to you.  Please, try to imagine – people do not want to be around you.  Please, try to imagine – your church life being changed drastically.  Please, try to imagine – watching your husband holding in all in.  Please, try to imagine – struggling to find something to talk about around people.  Please, try to imagine – friends ridiculing you for crying.  Please, try to imagine – being hurt over and over again for the past two years.  My daughter died.  She’s not coming back.  I’m not going to “get over it”.  I go on.  I live.  But, I will never get over her death.

Thank God there are few people who send text, send cards, invite us out to dinner and give me hugs.  They realize the struggle.  They understand the gravity of the situation.

One thing I will never do is act like she didn’t exist.  I will not take down all of her pictures and remove the things she made as a child.  I do have my bumper stickers to remind me to “Live, Life, Loud”.  Amanda lived.  She had a family.  She had friends.  Amanda was loved by a lot of people.  Her memory needs to live on for all of us who loved her.  Especially her children.  Amanda was a good example of a Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sister, Aunt, Grandchild and Friend.

I know this blog sounds like I am venting.  I am.  Not just for me, but for all of you out there who have lost a child and people expect more out of you than you can give.  I understand.  I understand how horrible it feels to not be understood at all.  I understand how everything in your life is turned inside out.  I understand some times you just can’t hold it together – not for attention as some will say, but it’s part of our lives now.  I understand others think you should be over it and you are far from it.  I understand the victories are small at times and large at times.  I understand there are periods of time when it’s all you can do to look at another person.  I feel your pain and anguish.

I also know, we can not stay there.  We can not stay in the pain and anguish.  We can decide what we will and will not do.  Of course, all of these decisions need to be made with the Lord’s guidance.  We just have to be ready to realize some people will not like it.  Being in the minority is not unusual when you are following God’s guidance.

The following verse is quoted to me in different ways a lot: Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare (peace) and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”   The thing about this verse is – God was talking about after 70 years.  I do love the verse though – because it reminds me God is thinking about me.  God loves and cares about me and you!!  Our good in life may not be today or tomorrow but it will be!!  We will be victorious through Him and Him alone.

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:  “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  Romans 8: 35-39

God loves us.  Jesus loves us.  We need to remember, we need to tell and we need to show this truth.  No matter how hard life is, no matter how we are treated, no matter our circumstances, no matter the hurt – GOD LOVES US!!!

Prayers, love and hugs to all of you Mothers who have lost a child.  I will be praying especially on Mother’s Day.

Manda’s Mom

28 thoughts on “Mother’s Day after a Child Dies

    1. We buried our precious son, David, on Thursday, May, 11, 2017. I am numb today . I have been surrounded all day by my two precious girls and grandchildren David was 42. I know I will survive but I can’t concentrate. I’m restless and feel hollow inside. The love of Christ and my many good friends is pulling through. I celebrate his life today and am grateful God chose me to be his mother. I know I will see him again one day.

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  1. Your pain is real. Your expression of that pain is honest. As another mother who has lost an adult child I identify with your grief and your need to express it. You’re right, the pain will never go away. Life normalizes even though time does not heal all wounds. Eventually it won’t be such a constant ache. You will think about your daughter all the time, just as you think about your other children and that’s as it should be but it won’t always be with the deep pain that you now experience.
    My son died in an accident 11 years ago. Most of the time now I can talk about him and even smile at the memories. Other times I’m ambushed by one thing or another and the pain hits me again so hard, with new expressions of loss.
    Cling to God, to your family and to your memories. They are all precious.

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  2. came upon your blog somehow, not sure how. I like reading it….. I have not lost a child, but lost my mom two years ago and can identify with many things you write/share. I had not known the pain of losing a loved one until I lost my mom. We were very close. Now, a few months ago I lost my only brother. The pain is terrible. I cannot imagine losing a child. I realize that after going through this loss one is changed and will never be the same. You never get over losing loved one. I can’t imagine anyone saying horrible things to you, or a “friend” rediculing you. That is not a friend. read your whole story about losing your daughter…..very sad. I am very sorry. Best wishes to you and your family.

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  3. Thank you…its been a year and a half for me….2nd Mother’s Day without my would be 27 year old son…some days are easier than others…thankful for my faith…but no….we will never get over it. I feel like a completely different person now. Happy Mother’s Day to you too!

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    1. I lost my son almost 10 yrs. ago at age 17 my husband a year ago, you are never the same, only through CHRIST can we substain.

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  4. I lost my son April 1,2014 under suspension surcomstances, due to a disgruntled girl friend. I have learned to put that in God’s hand. I spent the first two years trying to make everyone else think that I was ok. Now three years later I can’t pretend anymore. I LOVE my other wonderful son, husband and family, I pray for God to teach me how to make the best of this loss and to learn from it. I pray for you and all moms that are in this club. Thank you for your support and encouragement.

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  5. Of course you grieve Amanda everyday. Two years is nothing. I miss my son & it’s been 4 years. He would have been 31 this month. I actually received 2 cards fr friends. How kind of them to “read”my heart. I am past Matt being the first & last thing I think of everyday; but that took years. There are no time limitations. There are no rules. There is love fr each of us to one another. There is love fr God. Thank you for writing your beautiful blog. It brings us together in His name.

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  6. What a wonderful blog, I lost my seven year old daughter after a 1 year battle with cancer in Oct 2016 I’m not sure in what grieving stage I’m supposed to be in, but I go back and forth between anger, sadness and who knows what else. I trust in our savior Jesus Christ, and sometimes that is the only thing that keeps me going . Yes I get up in the morning and go through the motions but as you said people do not want to be around because yes I may have to leave the supermarket because I’m breaking out in tears and nobody knows why friends do not know what to say when that happen but like you I refuse to not talk about my Angel Angeline and all her pics are bigger then they ever been. Thank you for putting this out there because even I have more children this will be my first Mothers day without her.

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    1. May God help you & your family. Leaving the grocery store is normal. Maybe someone else can go for you once in a while.

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  7. I am so sorry for your loss. My daughter passed away this past January. She was 30 years old with three small children. As each day gets closer to Mothers Day I feel more sad and depressed. I want to skip this day. I so understand everything that you said. It’s still hard to imagine the rest of my life without my best friend and daughter.

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  8. Thank you, Manda’s Mom.
    Happy Mother’s day to you too.

    I too, have trouble, struggle, depression, sudden overwhelming sadness, anger, a tight heart. It’s been 22 months since I lost my daughter and most days are unbearable even though I go through the motions. I am expected to “get over it” “pull yourself together” “I need the you, you used to be back” What do I do with that? I will never be the same, my life was not perfect before she died, but I was filled with joy and happiness, now it has joys, but happiness has not returned.Katherine Luna.😥😢😢

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    1. I lost my 33 yr old son 2 months ago and I don’t know how people get through this . I hate feeling like this but it hurts so much and I cry every day if not every minute. I have no answer for those of us going through this but I hope I will find comfort one of these days ?

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  9. hello my sisters
    this is a comforting site, a blessing. being alone with the depth of loss and change that loosing a child can bring, is made worse by having no one to talk to, no one who can relate. even though our connection is forged by loss and grief, it is IMPORTANT we grow weaker in our isolation, and stronger through our connections and mutual support and understanding of each other. May GOD wrap his arms around all of us and connect us in his love.
    roxane
    samuel jozef’s proud mother

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  10. I have buried my only children my two sons. Stevie was 15 and James 27
    I do not do Mother’s Day. It is my rebellion at Hallmark and other commercial celebrations. For a long time slept through the day. Now I can tolerate the day. It is my day of grieving. My sons died years ago. On mother’s day I look at photo albums and spend the day alone with my pain. On Monday I get up and spend my day in the moment of my current life. I have had critical comments from others but what I do for me one day of the year is no one else’s business. Sometimes a grieving parent should not have to justify the course we take to make acceptable the losses we have.

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  11. Dear Mandy’s Mom, I am Mom whose daughter died, 18 months ago. She was handicapped, and required 24 hour 7/ day care, (dressed,bathed, feed,etc…)which my husband, my sister and myself provided, for 34 years. We never went anywhere that she could not go, so stayed home alot.When she passed, our world turned upside down, we had no one to care for, and we miss her every hour of every day, I still cry…..this is my 2nd Mothers day without her, and it hasn’t gotten any better. I have a son and a beautiful daughter-in-law, that I love very much, but the emptiness and the hole in my heart is something I don’t think I will ever get over. I know she is Home with our Lord and Savior, and that she is finally healed, but the Mommy in me misses her so much.I get tired of people telling me “You know where she’s at “, She’s in a much better place “, I’m not STUPID, I’m a MOMMA WHOSE CHILD HAD DIED! I do wish you a Happy Mothers day.

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  12. My mom lost her daughter, my sister, almost 40 years ago. She was 20 when she died. My mom died in 2014. My Mother’s Day now is full of such joy, knowing they get to celebrate it together now. My sister, Kathy, has been dead almost two times longer than she lived and I still miss her EVERY SINGLE DAY! She lived. She loved. I love her still. She mattered.

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  13. Thank you for writing this. We lost our beautiful 17 year old son to brain cancer. I know a few people who think it’s been to long for me to keep sharing, crying at times and talking about him. None of it will EVER stop! He lives on through our family.

    May the peace that only HE can give be with you. ❤️

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  14. I too lost my only daughter 2 years this month, 5-24-15. I understand you pain and know exactly what you are going through. There is not a day goes by that she doesn’t enter my thoughts. It makes me feel so much better when people mention her name, because for 37 years she did exist, and will be in my heart forever.

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  15. I am always grateful for your honesty in the midst of your enormous pain/struggle. I understand, surely not in exactly the same way, but I know the pain of having a daughter alive who hates me. I am so sorry for your pain; all of it seems so “unnecessary” in our frail human ways of knowing. But I pray for you and do know that God is carrying every one of His children. You are never alone. Today was very hard for me…no words to describe the pain of separation over just a few miles.

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  16. Dearest Mandas Mom, I’m heartbroken for you my dear. I do not know the pain of losing a child of my own, but my daughter’s first baby was born still. She would be 13 now. We so very much needed and loved that sweet darling baby. May the love of our Creator sustain you now and forever more.

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  17. Thank you for expressing how I feel. I lost my beautiful daughter on Christmas Eve. Only those who hsve ecperienced this loss can even imagine the pain. Only my faith in God has gotten me through the hurt and loss. Its good to hear that in time maybe the pain will lessen. Her passing took the joy from my life and I pray to God every day to help me find peace and for the strenght to help her children. May God bless you.

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  18. Thank you for the scriptures, for your post. I lost my oldest son to suicide on January 30, 2017. I lost my Mother on January 13, 2017. Still have tears, however, the Lord has brought me such peace. Thank you for opening up your heart. ❤️

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  19. The nightmare of losing your child never ends. Going to sleep and hoping you wake up and it’s all a bad dream, just to realize it’s not, never gets better.
    So tired of the hurt and pain. No one can understand.

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    1. Garla, as soon as I saw your name I opened the phone. I do know how hard a time. We do know how hard a time. I still feel just like you sometimes; scream & hug a pillow. That is what most of us feel but May not write it down. I hope you have someone helping you right now.

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  20. I lost my baby close to 6 months ago. The pain I felt on mothers day was unbearable. I know I try to move forward but seem to move 3 steps back. I am raising her son, who to struggles daily one step forward 3 back. We struggle together trying to heal each . Thank you for saying to others the pain we feel

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  21. As I read every one’s feelings of loss of a child ,I want to curl up and cry cry cry as I am texting this welling up with tears remembering 30 years ago being pregnant and having my son the day my husband died.18 years go by as if I walked down a short street ,that’s how time flys by and my son was murdered and taking from me.I never got any support help and still cry curl up and wonder why,it’s been 12 years since my son died ,and it seems like yesterday never will time heal the pain . I thank you all for sharing and am so very sorry for your loss , Finally it’s time to reach out for me .

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