I am sure it has happened to everyone. You get a glimpse of someone or glance across a room and you think you see someone you know. Then you realize, nope – it’s not them. You may even hear someone laugh, talk or make a comment just like someone you know. But, once again, it’s not who you thought it was. You may see an approaching car or pass a car and wave – only to figure out, it was a complete stranger! Happens to all of us.
Amanda has been gone for almost 26 months now. There are many times, I see someone, hear someone, have someone walk into a room and my heart skips a beat or two. It may even be the way they are dressed. I think – Amanda. Only, I have to tell myself, nope – she’s not here anymore. But, for a second or two, I see her.
There are many people who remind me of Amanda. She had a friend who could be her sister. When I see her, my heart skips a beat or two. There is also a family member who does the same thing. There was a lady at a ball field. There have been several people in a store or riding down the road. Sometimes its something said, the way someone walks into a room, a laugh, or a comment Amanda would make; then I am right there in the same spot, reminding myself – Amanda is not here.
For me, one of the hardest parts of this “journey” is I have to remind myself, she is not here, and she is dead. She is not on a long vacation or living in some place I can only see her a couple times a year. Amanda hasn’t just gone away for a while. I am not anticipating her returning. No, she is gone. Here one second, gone the next. No warning. No alarm. No goodbyes.
I think this happens to others who knew her, not positive because we have never talked about it. Happened not too long ago to me when I saw a picture posted on Facebook. I glanced at the picture as I scrolled and had to do a double take. A picture of Amanda. Nope, wasn’t her. My heart stopped and my tears started. Once again, I had to tell myself, she is gone.
I guess this will go on forever. I am not sure. It has lasted over two years. Some of you may know how long, you lost your child a long time ago. You would think by now it wouldn’t happen. You would think. But no. It’s still happening. I know, reminding myself she is gone seems to be something I have to do over and over. At least, I am not bursting out in tears every time. It’s an improvement. I have “lost it” several times. I am sure those around had no idea why.
Happened at a holiday – I couldn’t wait to leave. Begged my husband to “let’s go”. I couldn’t tell him why. He talked me into staying for a while and I did. I was embarrassed. I am sure the whole family thought I was just crazy. What happened – “Amanda” walked into the room. I fell to pieces. I spent the rest of the time trying to hold myself together. Couldn’t even really talk to anyone or relax because I was distraught.
I have tried to protect myself from this happening as much as possible. It is getting less frequent – seeing her, reminding myself she died and is not coming back. It’s hard. Hard is not the right word – it’s overwhelmingly heart wrenching. It is a dark place.
Then, oh then, I am reminded. While these things last a little while. I have greater things to dwell on. Light. There is light. Moments, times and periods upon periods of Light. Thankfulness, joy, happiness and gladness. My “troubles” are different than before. I am dealing with the hardest thing anyone can deal with, my daughter died. God reminds me. Cindy, its okay. It’s okay to mourn for a moment, a day, and a period of time. Jesus mourned. Jesus was overwhelmed with grief. Jesus wept. But, but remember – You are not alone. I am here, the great I am! Search Me and find Me.
I get His Word out, I study. Or – He reminds me through His Word hidden in my heart or some person with a word of encouragement. Foremost, God’s Word has the answers, the comfort and the path. Pray. Read. Study. Listen.
“Send me your light and your faithful care, let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell. Then I will go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God. Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. ” Psalm 43:3-5
“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1: 1-5(ESV)
Darkness can not overcome the Light. I am not alone. Jesus loves me, walks with me and sustains me. He will see me through. Jesus will see you through too. Search Him and know Him.
I am thankful I can turn to a living Savior who understands my heart. He hears me. He answers. I maybe downcast at the moment, but there are glimpses of light. I have to remember to be thankful. I have family I dearly love. I have a roof over my head. I have food. I have clothing. I have friends. I have a church family. Most of all, I have hope. A hope and an assurance. One day, when I see Amanda – I will be seeing HER face to face; praising our Savior together!
I also hope these words can bring you some comfort. We all have bad times, minutes, hours, days, or weeks. We have to somehow make ourselves turn toward the light. We have to continue on for the living. As hard as it is to do, we can do it. You are not alone. Unfortunately, there are many of us. Fortunately, we have each other. We understand the pain. Let’s get up and get going, right now. Let tomorrow be. For now, let’s live this moment.
Hugs, Prayers, and Love to all of you!
Manda’s Mom #APG