Glimpses and Glances

#APG #family

I am sure it has happened to everyone.  You get a glimpse of someone or glance across a room and you think you see someone you know.  Then you realize, nope – it’s not them.  You may even hear someone laugh, talk or make a comment just like someone you know.  But, once again, it’s not who you thought it was.  You may see an approaching car or pass a car and wave – only to figure out, it was a complete stranger!  Happens to all of us.

Amanda has been gone for almost 26 months now.  There are many times, I see someone, hear someone, have someone walk into a room and my heart skips a beat or two.  It may even be the way they are dressed.   I think – Amanda.  Only, I have to tell myself, nope – she’s not here anymore.  But, for a second or two, I see her.

There are many people who remind me of Amanda.  She had a friend who could be her sister.  When I see her, my heart skips a beat or two.  There is also a family member who does the same thing.  There was a lady at a ball field.  There have been several people in a store or riding down the road.  Sometimes its something said, the way someone walks into a room, a laugh, or a comment Amanda would make; then I am right there in the same spot, reminding myself – Amanda is not here.

For me, one of the hardest parts of this “journey” is I have to remind myself, she is not here, and she is dead.  She is not on a long vacation or living in some place I can only see her a couple times a year.  Amanda hasn’t just gone away for a while.  I am not anticipating her returning.  No, she is gone.  Here one second, gone the next.  No warning.  No alarm.  No goodbyes.

I think this happens to others who knew her, not positive because we have never talked about it.  Happened not too long ago to me when I saw a picture posted on Facebook.  I glanced at the picture as I scrolled and had to do a double take.  A picture of Amanda.  Nope, wasn’t her.  My heart stopped and my tears started.  Once again, I had to tell myself, she is gone.

I guess this will go on forever.  I am not sure.  It has lasted over two years.  Some of you may know how long, you lost your child a long time ago.  You would think by now it wouldn’t happen.  You would think.  But no.  It’s still happening.  I know, reminding myself she is gone seems to be something I have to do over and over. At least, I am not bursting out in tears every time.  It’s an improvement.  I have “lost it” several times.  I am sure those around had no idea why.

Happened at a holiday – I couldn’t wait to leave.  Begged my husband to “let’s go”.  I couldn’t tell him why.  He talked me into staying for a while and I did.  I was embarrassed.  I am sure the whole family thought I was just crazy.  What happened – “Amanda” walked into the room.  I fell to pieces.  I spent the rest of the time trying to hold myself together.  Couldn’t even really talk to anyone or relax because I was distraught.

I have tried to protect myself from this happening as much as possible.  It is getting less frequent – seeing her, reminding myself she died and is not coming back.  It’s hard.  Hard is not the right word – it’s overwhelmingly heart wrenching.   It is a dark place.

Then, oh then, I am reminded.  While these things last a little while.  I have greater things to dwell on.  Light.  There is light.  Moments, times and periods upon periods of Light.  Thankfulness, joy, happiness and gladness.  My “troubles” are different than before.  I am dealing with the hardest thing anyone can deal with, my daughter died.  God reminds me.  Cindy, its okay.  It’s okay to mourn for a moment, a day, and a period of time.  Jesus mourned.  Jesus was overwhelmed with grief.  Jesus wept.  But, but remember – You are not alone.  I am here, the great I am!  Search Me and find Me.

I get His Word out, I study.  Or – He reminds me through His Word hidden in my heart or some person with a word of encouragement.   Foremost, God’s Word has the answers, the comfort and the path.  Pray.  Read.  Study.  Listen.

“Send me your light and your faithful care, let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell. Then I will go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God.  Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. ” Psalm 43:3-5

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”  John 1: 1-5(ESV)

Darkness can not overcome the Light.  I am not alone.  Jesus loves me, walks with me and sustains me.  He will see me through.  Jesus will see you through too.  Search Him and know Him.

I am thankful I can turn to a living Savior who understands my heart.  He hears me.  He answers.  I maybe downcast at the moment, but there are glimpses of light.  I have to remember to be thankful.  I have family I dearly love.  I have a roof over my head.  I have food.  I have clothing.  I have friends.  I have a church family.  Most of all, I have hope.  A hope and an assurance.  One day, when I see Amanda – I will be seeing HER face to face; praising our Savior together!

I also hope these words can bring you some comfort.  We all have bad times, minutes, hours, days, or weeks.  We have to somehow make ourselves turn toward the light.  We have to continue on for the living.  As hard as it is to do, we can do it.  You are not alone.  Unfortunately, there are many of us.  Fortunately, we have each other.  We understand the pain.  Let’s get up and get going, right now.  Let tomorrow be.  For now, let’s live this moment.

Hugs, Prayers, and Love to all of you!

Manda’s Mom #APG

10 thoughts on “Glimpses and Glances

  1. Manda’s Mom. Every time I read your blog you are so hard on yourself about grieving. Grief takes time. It varies, but usually takes years. You need to cry & be gentle with yourself. Who cares what others think?!! Honestly…we are suffering the most difficult grief possible. Leave the parties early..church early or do not attend if you are just not up to it. No one, & I mean no one is judging you harder than Yourself. If someone is, you do not need them around you at this time. Trust me, it’s ok!! You are expected to miss your daughter. Miss her any way
    You want to. You ARE her mom. God will bless all of us & be by our side no matter where we are; even curled up in bed.

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  2. So important how you share and encourage others .. God bless you with His strength and His peace which surpasses all understanding.
    Your family members (and all of us who have connection with you) are very blessed to have your honesty.

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  3. Thank you so much for sharing. I can so relate to most of what you have shared. My Molly, who is forever 23, died in February 2015. Love ❤️, hugs and blessings to you.

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  4. Dear Amanda’s Mom. It saddens me so that thinking 26 months is any length of time at all when it comes to the loss of a child. Thinking our child is away on vacation then remembering the heart breaking overwhelming grief when we once again remember death left us but took our child. Seeing a glimpse of our child in others stops at some point? “Those of you may know how long (it takes) you lost your child a long time ago.” What does that mean? You forget what our child looked like? Grief is yours. My grief is mine. Claim it. Accept it. Feel it.
    My daughter was 25. It’s been seven years. She had not married. She had no children. My grief was not the same as my husbands. We traveled different journeys unable to help one another. Sadly he died two years after our daughter. Grief for my husband is different than the grief that I have for my daughter. I say all this with sympathy, empathy and compassion for others who grieve. Be kind to your self. Don’t rush, push, expect. Yes God is good. We have scripture, prayer, faith. But I live and breath, and grief because I love my daughter and I wish she had not died.

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  5. I can sooooooooooooooo relate to your grief. I see my son Andy everywhere. He was killed 8 yrs ago and I too never got to say goodbye. The last time I saw Andy I was in Chick Fil A with his son who is now 10. He was only 2 when Andy was killed. A man ( the spitting image of my son) sat down at a table next to us. I could only stare and wonder why he didn’t see me. His son reached over and patted my hand and said ” Mia, that’s not him”, he looks like him but Daddy is in Heaven with Jesus”. I just looked at my grandson with the same face as his deceased Daddy and said, ” Spencer, you are right, that man just looks like Daddy”. After I got home, I took a bath so I could cry my eyes out alone. I feel Andy around me but I just don’t see him. Others look like him and that heart skip occurs. I know without a doubt the first face I will see when I get to Heaven will be my beautiful smiling, happy to see me son. Hugs to you all !!!!!!! Susan Kolander

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  6. Movies may seem to be a strange place to find comfort. Maybe even understanding. Something we sadly relate to. Two movies this very week. “Rabbit Hole” about parents who lost their four year old son. The son ran out into the street chasing after his dog and was killed by a car driven by a “teenage driver.” Several, many, heartbreaking issues that we all understand and relate to. One scene hit me hard. An issue I struggle with every day. The Mom is intentionally driving by the “teenage drivers” home. She happens upon the teenager dressed for prom with a date and another couple. All are of course happy and excited as they are getting into a sweet retro convertible, experiencing one of life’s milestones. Benchmarks. A lifetime memory. The mother pulls her car over. Hides her head. Has a complete meltdown. No words are spoken. What is it! Why the meltdown. Cries and cries until she falls asleep in her car. We who have lost a child understand. Her child will never have that experience. She will never be able to share that experience with her son. But the teenage driver still has his life. His life goes on. He can make memories. He has his life. The second movie “Return To Zero.” A not so young couple deliver a stillborn son. The baby unexpectedly just up and died at 38 weeks. Later the mother is talking to her mother. Her mother shares for the first time that she too had lost a child. A miscarriage. Oh but that’s not the same – the loss of a child from a miscarriage vs a stillborn. Oh but it is, it was my child she says. Here it comes people. Drum roll please. “It’s the loss of the possibility of what might have been.” Read it again: “It’s the loss of the possibility of what might have been.” Slap me in the face. That’s exactly what my grief is all about. I loss my daughter and all of the possibilities of what might have been.

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  7. Thanks so much! I can totally relate to you All. I lost My 29 yr old daughter recently on 4/14/17 Suddenly and unexpectedly. There is a Open Death Investigation And no known cause of Death. Autopsy Is delayed until August.
    I’m Numb, Brokenhearted, devastated and missing My Daughter and best friend who lived with Me.
    I really don’t feel like going Out or talking to people. I’ve never experienced anything this Painful.
    I’m lifting you up In Prayer and trying to Get through Each excruciating minute.
    Destiny was sweet, humble, caring, loving, entered Triathlons, loved Her two children and family so Much, and loved the Lord.
    I’m asking Why?

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    1. Dear Patricia – I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. Your best friend. The mother of your grandchildren. Your living companion. I Will convenient to pray for you. Sadly our circumstances sound very much alike. I found the police involvement necessary but hard to endure. Time & the waiting for the autopsy unbearable. My heart goes out to you. So much for you to be experiencing all at once. Why? Why? Why? Scream it. Shout it. Don’t suppress your feeling. Recognize you are on a journey that is out of your control and unwanted. There is so much that you are having to endure all at once. I feel your pain. These are not just words. I do feel your pain and pray that it will get better. Baby steps. A day at a time. Don’t you hate people saying that? The thing is if you can stop and just try to absorb what’s happening to you/for you everyday. Maybe This will help keep you grounded. A lot of days and I mean a lot of days all I could do was to crash. And that’s okay. Crawl back in bed all roll with your feelings. I am Kathryn’s Mom. I can be reached by replying to my comments. You are in my prayers.

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