What the World Needs Now….

We all want to be loved.  It’s something we yearn for, to be loved by others.  Loving others is something we are called to do by our Heavenly Father.  “I love you” is easy for some to say; comes harder for others.   Feeling loved by others is uplifting, encouraging and the greatest feeling in the world.  We know we are not living life alone.  Someone cares and loves us.

Feeling hated is an awful feeling.  Sometimes we can figure out why or what we have done to cause someone to hate us, sometimes we can’t.  We can reach out to repair the relationship but there is nothing we can do; the relationship is lost forever.  It’s horrible, just horrible to feel hated. There is a fine line between love and hate.  I have experienced it, hatefulness.  Many of you have too.  You have written me about it. I hate no one.  I have had to pray over and over about it – but I hate no one – I’ve had to ask the Lord to help me!  It’s been hard at times.

Apathy is even worse.  In between love and hate – Apathy is something hard to react too.  No feelings either way.  I would rather someone hate me, at least I know not to take what they say seriously, but apathy usually brings about a greater hurt.  The hurt of “I don’t care”.  Basically saying I’m not worth anything.

Words are extremely powerful.  I love to hear “I love you”.  I love to say “I love you”.  Since Amanda died, I am even more thankful I say “I love you” to others.  Never know when it’s going to be your last time.

Words spoken to mothers who have lost a child are extremely, extremely important.  Some of the things spoken to people who have written me are unbelievable.  Unbelievable, except several have been spoken to me.  I have also overheard conversations regarding me, where the words were just hateful.

We are not having a “pity party”.  Until you have lost a child you have no idea what kind of grief we are experiencing.  Do you think of your children everyday?  Well, I do – I always have.  I think about my whole family every – single – day, every day!  Hence, I think of Amanda every single day.  Every Mom thinks about their children everyday.  Everyday, I face her death – everyday, I think about what is gone, forever – not just a day, a week, a month, a year – forever.  Everyday I think about her love for her family, love for others, her smile, her laughter and her death.

We are not “trying to get attention”  by crying.  Believe me; those of us who have lost a child would rather hold it together around others, in the grocery store, in front of a whole crowd of people and driving down the road.  It’s embarrassing, it’s crushing to our spirit and it’s uncontrollable.  We have no idea when it is going to hit; we have no way to control it.

It has not been “long enough”.  Each person’s grief is very different.  Just be aware, just because you see us post our children’s picture on Facebook does not mean we are in the midst of deep depression or we have not faced the truth.  For me, I like looking at her smiling face.  Just because you see us crying from time to time does not mean, we are not dealing with the death.  Sometimes, it’s the place, the people we are with, an action or a word spoken that makes us cry.  How long is long enough?  What is the magic time?  What day do we mark on the calendar?

“Just get over it”.  “Get on with your life”.  “Move on”.   Maybe, just maybe, it is a standard we can not meet.   We understand, others are over it, gotten on with their life, and moved on, but a parent’s relationship with a child is totally different.  Some people didn’t care enough to grieve for any length of time.  In our mind, it relates to the amount of love you had for our child.  It surely shows the amount of love you have for us.  Never considering our feelings – just want us to feel something we are not able to feel.

“Be thankful you have other children or have grandchildren”.  I am thankful – for each and every one of them.  I love them with all my heart and will forever. They are separate individuals, they do not replace Amanda.  I can not assign my love for Amanda to someone else.  My family does give me a reason to get out of bed on certain days.

These are just a few of the things said to other mothers and to me.  Apparently, it is common practice to decide for us how we are to live, how long we should grieve and what we are to do.  I have had too many people to write me and say the exact same things.

You see, we just want to be loved enough to be worthy of kindness.  We need kind words, we need to hear “I love you”, and we need for others to put yourself in our shoes.  We don’t want to feel like our grief is an inconvenience.  We want our feelings considered when things are said, things are posted and when things are written. (Yes, letters and emails have been written saying these things!)  There are a lot more, I just do not have the space to go through all of them.

Several years ago, I visited a lady who was dying.  She had lost a son many, many, many, years before.  I have thought about her words since Amanda died.  She said she was looking forward to seeing Jesus.  She was looking forward to seeing her son.  She was looking forward to not feeling the pain of living without him.  She was in a lot of physical pain herself but that wasn’t the pain she wanted gone – she wanted the grief to be over.  I believe her words are true for all of the parents living this nightmare of losing a child.

We are trying to find balance.  Not really a new normal.  Just looking for a way to balance our life with the loss of our child.  It’s a difficult thing.  We need your love.

Yes, we have probably done a lot of things wrong.  Just like having a baby, you do the best you can along the way with the help of the Lord, Doctors, family, friends and books (especially the Bible).  Each stage is different; each experience is different for each person.  Death of child is the same way, only it’s not a joyous occasion.   It’s not something anyone really wants to be involved with.  We surely don’t.

Jesus called us to love each other above all and deeply.  Remember, words go a long way in the process.  The above phrases do not show love.  They are judgmental and selfish.  It becomes how we are dealing with the death of our child instead of what we are dealing with after the death of a child.  The phrases also make us afraid.  Afraid for the future, we are never going to measure up.  We are never going to be worthy of your love.  We are afraid of what will be said next.

Romans 12:9 & 10, 15 “Love must be sincere.  Hate what is evil, cling to what is good.  Be devoted to one another in love.  Honor one another above yourself…..  Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn.”

1 John 4:18 & 19 “There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.  We love because He first loved us.”

If you try, we will.

“Everyone was embarrassed.  She had never realized before her life was torn apart how awkward grief was, how inconvenient for everyone with whom the mourner came into contact.  At first it was acknowledged and respected and deferred to.  But after a while it got in the way-of conversation, of laughter, of normal life.  Everyone wanted to put it behind them, to get on with things, and there you were, in the way, blocking the path, dragging the body of your dead child behind you.”  Excerpt from Into the Water by Paula Hawkins – this is how I feel a lot of the time.

I felt a need to write this blog because I am getting the same comments over and over from other Moms.  People can be very cruel without intending to be.  Some want to cause hurt.  Either way – to all you Moms out there who have lost a child – You are not alone. We have each other.  There are those who are a great encouragement – hang on to them.  For those who hurt you over and over – let ‘em go, love ‘em but let ‘em go.  Space can be a good thing.

Hugs, prayers and love to all of you,

We are not alone, with His Comfort, Love, Grace and Mercy – we can get up and go on.

Manda’s Mom

23 thoughts on “What the World Needs Now….

  1. Much love to you … we continue to walk in God’s grace. I am always sincerely grateful for your words.
    God’s kind Hand is holding you… every moment.
    He knows those who trust in Him.
    Nahum 1:7


  2. It’s been almost 4 months since my 39(1 week short of turning glorious 40) year old son unexpectedly passed. Still waiting on bloodwork but will most likely never know the cause. This feels as fresh as the moment my x called to deliver the news. I’m numb with grief. I’ve been going to acupuncture x2 a week for a month now and taking some Chinese herbs for depression for a few weeks. Stopped them due to a possible side effect and no acupuncture in a week now. Last 2 days can barely function. Tears on the surface continually. I’m back on herbs And will make an appointment soon. Have not sought any other outside help. My feeling being, unless your child has died, you can’t possibly understand. No. No one can understand my pain unless you’ve lost a child. I don’t Evan talk about this with my best friends anymore. No. They do not get it. They couldn’t. I wonder if I’ll ever really care again. Yes, I have another child, a daughter, to whom I’m actually much closer to, with a 4 1/2 yr old grandson whom I happen to live with. I want to care about them as deeply as I used to. Seems I’m numb. What if she dies? Cant help but think of that. OK. Enough now. Back to herbs and acupuncture. God Bless all parents who’s kids transitioned before they did!!! Thank you for this space


    1. Hi Kristin. Our son took his own life on March 1, 1996, just a few months shy of his 20th birthday. it has been a long battle for us as well. Praise God for His infinite wisdom. He has guided me through this mire of grief. It ebbes & waves over us like an ocean, sometimes, drowning us in it’s sadness. We have an extremely strong Christian family & I could literally feel them holding me up in prayer. It shattered my whole family & the community.
      Our son PJ, took his life over in girl in 1996. At that time in our life, we had PJ, 19, Anna 18, Matt 3 & Nick almost one. Never in a million years did we think our handsome son, would take his own life. He was well liked by everyone, more so by the girls. He met the girl on his 19th birthday. Little did we know how much she would change our lives forever. It took more than 2 years to clean his room, for our growing little boys. We needed the space but I couldn’t bring myself to clean it out until I was emotionally ready.
      You are in the early stages of this thing they call grief. When ever there is a death of a friend of his or someone around his age, it will be like a slap in the face or a bucket of cold water. It hurts, but the best thing to do is talk about him. He was a part of your life for almost 40 years. You are denying some self help therapy, by not talking about him. It hurt when people would see me or us in the store & turn away, hoping that we didn’t see them. But now I see that they didn’t know “what” to say or do, themselves. Forgive yourself of any left overs. It doesn’t help. It doesn’t help playing the blame game. I did that for a very short time. Ask the Lord Jesus for help. He helped me so very much. People that meet me know, would never know by my personality, that I have had that type of grief to bare, but I’m an open book. If you talk to me long enough I will tell you. I don’t hide anything, because hiding it, makes it turn into an infection in your soul. There are websites out there that can help, books to read, No Time for Goodbyes, is one book, churches that have classes for grief, so many many options for help. Please know that there are many people that have lost a child & do suffer as you are. We are in a new club now, not one that I ever thought I would be joining, but we are in it together. If it is okay with you, I’ll pray for you & right now is a good a time as any.
      Dear Heavenly Father, we ask that You touch Kristin’s heart, Lord, help her to know that You are the Healer of men, that You can help her with this horrible heart ache, they call grief. We ask that You bring people into her life that would uplift her & let her know that You are there for her, Heavenly Father. In the mighty name of Jesus, we ask, AMEN


  3. Thank you for writing on Facebook, I know it must be very hard. I also have lost a child. Please know that you are loved, by people you don’t even know ( me and so many more) My prayers or with you and your family.


  4. Cindy although we have not been in contact in a long time. I just want you to know how much I do love you and your family… I pray everyday for you all! Everytime I read your blogs my heart is filled
    with heartbreak.. I love your sharing your most private thoughts with so many. I LOVE YOU!


  5. I know how hard this is to share . Lost my son 10 years ago . He was 32 an died memorial weekend. Seems like yesterday I still tear up when I speak or write about him. But I know Gods plan was put in place for a reason.


  6. Cindy I wanted you to know I love you and never tire of hearing you speak of Amanda. As with Amanda I watched her grow her family and freely shared that joy with the world. It was a highlight of my day to watch her videos and pictures on Facebook. You take as long as you want to deal with losing her. Others words hurt but remember they don’t matter. You are good and faithful servant and if you never get over your grief, it is okay. You will never replace those memories. They were profound memories in your life and others you probably don’t even know have great memories of your Amanda. We understand because it was a genuine love your family shared. I hope you find peace and continue that cheerful fun legacy that you shared with Amanda. My memories of you and your family have always been one of joy, love, family devoted to God. Keep that flame burning because you are needed in this life.
    Love you Debbie


  7. Thank you Cindy…it has been 2 years since our sons death…we celebrate his new heavenly home, but the pain we feel over our loss will be forever with us.


    1. It has been almost 2 years since we lost our son. I still cry & still miss him so much! It’s like nothing else. People just don’t really understand.


  8. I lost my youngest, Joshua 16, years old, to leukemia, September 17th, 2007. He was sick, from 8 years old. He tried to attend public school, but it became, to hard for him, to walk very far, etc. So I home schooled him. The school, had the audacity, to send a social worker out, to ask Josh, if he wanted to attend, school, but I was not letting him! He eventually, got too ill, but had a 96%, for his 9th grade year. I called the virtual school, we had been using, and told them he had been admitted to the hospital, and was too weak to take the final exam. I let her speak to him, on the phone, where she told him, if he did not take the exam, she was going to fail him. Here he was dying, in the hospital, which I tried to explain to her, without him hearing me, and she was so hateful. When he passed away, 2 weeks, later, she called me and told me she had failed him, because he did not take the final exam. I told her, :it doesn’t matter, because he passed away.” She did not say anything and hung up on me. 30 minutes later, the school board called me, and said I was not allowed to homeschool, him anymore because I dud not make him take the final exam. I told them the same thing. At least they were apologetic, and sent me a condolence card. I have had several people tell me, I should, “be over it”, or “get over it”. No one understands, unless they have lost a child, and been through it. It is not a club, you want belong to, but you do not have a choice.


  9. Every death of a family member is the worse. You ste lising part of yourself. When my brother died, I honestly felt that I would die. I felt like part of my body had died and I couldn’t go on withour it.


  10. I lost my son RANDY 8/5/2016 in bike accident he was only 19year old .I miss him every day .I go cemetery every day I don’t believe he is gone Im waiting for him every day to come home…how to Live with out him ..I can’t..he was taken to soon from me..how to live…


    1. It is hard. I know, you see something, you know he would like, and wanting to buy it for them, but you can’t. I have not been able to eat are burger king, in 9 years, since, he passed. Because a double cheeseburger, plain, no mustard, because they always put too much. He wanted to put it on it, himself…


  11. This is the very best true post about grief of losing a child. I lost my only son Brad January 10 of this year. I know I talk about him too much. People want me to survive, get through the pain. It’s the only thing we have. Don’t want pity or attention. It’s the only way we have of keep them real and in the present. My heart marches right alongside yours. He was 36. The pain will finally be over whe God calls me home. Thank you for your words.


  12. Thank you for this. As it gets lonelier and more distressing, everyone disappears or doesn’t mention your child. It’s so painful.


  13. Your blog was truly amazing! It was so honest and compelling.it is almost 10 years since I lost my son. To find true comfort is rare. I have suffered since the loss of my son. I have found more comfort from the groups then anywhere. Most of them have experienced the same loss and understand what it relally is about losing a child. There years later my husband took his life so I understand grief and pain. I want to thank you for sharing your beautiful blog I find it comforting and sincere! Your very talented and I enjoyed your article! Thank you, Gail


  14. Cindy Your words are the only words I have ever read that explains the aftermath of losing a child. The pain the grief the loss the void the missing and the Love a mother has for her child is so hard to explain I am so sorry for your loss of your precious daughter I don’t know why we say “loss” because we know where our children are. They are in Heaven. They are in paradise where there is no tears no pain only pure joy they are with our Heavenly Father. We will see them again. My son gained his wings when he was 2 He lost his battle to Neuroblastoma. Thank you for this blog. I may not know you but I love you. (((HUGS)))❤️🙏❤️


  15. Thank you, thank you! You have just said EXACTLY what I’ve wanted to say to some people in the two years since our son went to heaven. People need to know that these phrases are NOT okay.


  16. I lost my 43 year old son in a motorcycle accident in 2015.. I had cancer, chemo for 6 mo then my husband passed 2 mo. after I went into remission. That was 2016. My son’s 22 year old son took his life Feb.2017.. Life has not been easy. I would not have made it without my Lord. I miss each of them every day, every night. I live on for the family that lives on, children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. We need prayers, love and encouragement.


  17. I lost my 19 year old son Chris 11 months ago, and I feel he took my life with him, I miss him so much. I visit his grave everyday after work. During the day I tell myself he’s at school, at work or with his girlfriend that’s why he hasn’t called, then I get I’m my car after work and it’s awful..


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