It’s not okay

 “Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.”  1 John 3:18

It’s not okay to be mean.  It’s not okay to be hateful.  It’s not okay to be rude.  It’s not okay to claim to be a Christian, with big smiles all over your social media, and treat people badly.  It’s not okay to talk to others about something when you do not know the whole story.  It’s not okay to be a bully.  It’s not okay to discount the way children feel.  It’s not okay to talk about a situation you know nothing about.  It’s not okay to ignore others.  It’s not okay to be sneaky.  It’s not okay to intentionally hurt someone else.  It’s not okay to do, post, allow or say things; you know will hurt someone else.  It’s not okay to act like you are better than everyone else.  It’s not okay to act holier than thou.  It’s not okay to be a bully.  It’s not okay to talk bad about others around children.  It’s not okay to repeat something told to you in confidence. It’s not okay for you to do something you KNOW will hurt someone.  It’s not okay to send a text like you care but your actions say different. It’s not okay to send anonymous messages and pictures. It’s not okay!  It’s wrong PERIOD.

A common theme among mother’s who have had a child die is they are treated horrible.  For some reason, instead of giving us a little slack we are held to a higher standard.  More is expected from us.  We are not forgiven for mistakes we have made.  We are to be perfect in our grief.  We are expected to act like life is a bed of roses.  Then there are those who are on the “outskirts” of what is going on who feel like they need to put in their two cents.  All of a sudden, your whole life is a mess on top of grieving for your child.  They do not care.  It’s a topic of gossip for them without realizing they are actually destroying humans – people – people who have had a child die.  The funniest (not funny) part is they actually think they know what they are talking about – they only know what they see and hear from one side.  They have turned their back on the person who they have told – “I can’t imagine”.  They are allowing Satan to use them to do what he does best – destroy!

I sound mad, I know.  I am.  If you are a bereaved mother, you have been right where I am right now at this moment.  We are tired.  We want to leave.  We want to run away.  We want to yell, scream and throw a fit.  We have had enough.  We can’t take anymore. We want to shout – give us a break, our child died!

My husband has said –“try not to let it bother you”.  I have tried.  Over and over and over and over and over and over.  But, it bothers him.  Over and over and over and over and over.  I can’t count how many times he has been hurt by the very people he loves dearly.  The very people he has gone out of his way to help.  The very people he would give up his very own life.  The very people who he has taken care of over and over.  Satan is alive and well.  Destroyer of relationships.

Why?  Why are they doing this?  Because they are having fun.  Because they are having a good time.  Because they like seeing others in pain.  Because they are more important than others.  Because they have all the answers.  Because they are having a good time.    They are living a soap opera only life is not a soap opera.

Yesterday was my birthday.  My husband planned a supper to celebrate; he had to make me go.  The stress was more than I wanted to deal with.  I cried a lot of the day.  Why?  Why couldn’t I make myself thankful enough for the people left in my life to be happy?  Why? Because I grieve over people I am still losing.  I grieve over the life I am living now.  I grieve because others don’t care how much they hurt my husband and me.  I grieve over the lost celebrations with my daughter, Amanda Peake Glover.  Forever 32.

The majority of the people I know think I am wrong.  This post will more than likely make some angry.  Ask yourself, why are you mad?  Do you see yourself in this? Because it’s the truth? It’s okay for you to say whatever but I can’t tell how I feel?  Am I supposed to hide behind some rock?  Know this, I love all of you and read to the end before you make a judgment!

Some beliefs are being taught which are absolutely wrong.  We are not living heaven on earth.   We are to live separate from the world.  We are to be different morally.  When you have others say over and over again – “I thought they were a Christian” – it’s a sign something is very wrong.  Fear, hatred, un-forgiveness, meanness, anxiety, impatience, stress; are not from the Lord.  We have to recognize this and realize who it is from.  We can not let Satan be the victor in our minds, hearts and souls.  We have to do what is right no matter how we are treated.  It’s so hard though.  Without God, it’s impossible.

All of you bereaved mothers out there – Where is the hope in all of this?  Jesus.  Jesus is our hope.  Luke 18:27 “Jesus replied, “What is impossible with man is possible with God.””  Our relationships can be restored by God alone.  There is still hope.  Keep in mind, Job lost everything then everyone turned on him.  God restored Job. He can restore us too.

I thank God I have family and friends who love me.  With all of my faults, they have still stood by my side.  That is true love.  It’s the love of Jesus.  When I was unlovable, He loved me.  1 John 3:16 “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.” 1 John 3:18 “Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.” 

(You may be wondering where all of this has come from, you may be even speculating right at this moment.  It’s from conversations, group post and emails from mothers who have lost children and from my own experience.  In other words, it is combined experiences we have had.  It truly is amazing how similar the stories are from mothers.  Y’all hang in there – do not give up and do not give in!)

Lord, let my actions be out of love.  Lord, help me to keep my eyes on you and not on man.  Lord, heal my broken heart.  Lord, help me to respond with love and truth.  Lord, help me to forgive.  Lord, help others to forgive me.

Colossians 3:13 “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

Hugs, prayers and love to all of you!

Manda’s Mom #APG

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15 thoughts on “It’s not okay

  1. Thank you Manda’s mom. You have shared a part of you that will bless others. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t begin to understand your pain. Jesus is the one that will help you.. Only our father can save us. Bless you and family.

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    1. I hope this ok to share on my page.my ricky would be 33 on july 31st.I feel your pain being in your shoes just wanting anyone and everybody to understand.We are people with children just like everyone else but one or more of our children are in heaven.We cry,shout,scream,wonder why me,we suffer through relationships after are loss because we are broken…Grief takes every inch top to bottom away from who we where we are not the person we were or will we ever be.The hardest is this new identity of me….I do have more compassion but i do not tolerate stupid people anymore and people thst dont care…If i only have my small family and god then so be it…many huga and much love Newman/Baker

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  2. I am so sorry for what you are walking through; the pain seems insurmountable except for the daily presence of our Lord Jesus. I know He lovingly carries you and your husband as the enemy wants to steal your joy. I do understand the huge significant quandary of how to move forward in mourning as our loved ones can NEVER BE FORGOTTEN OR REPLACED. I thank the Comforter, our Holy Spirit, for the ways in which He gives you peace. Humans can never do what God does for us, and I guess all we can do is continue to forgive people who should be MUCH KINDER.
    God sees. You are LOVED. Precious Amanda is LOVED.

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  3. You are absolutely correct and the unfortunate thing is that some of the hurtful actions come from your own family! My daughter will be forever 27. Her friends are more important and more loving than some family members. The hurt is unbearable! Compassionate Friends is very helpful.

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  4. I am so sorry you are being treated so badly. Wish I could be there to hug you and help you deal with these terrible people. I was lucky not to have to deal with people like that when my son died. A few people did say things I wish they hadn’t but none of them were trying to be mean, they were honestly trying to be supportive and didn’t know any better. I was lucky enough to have a circle of friends and family around me protecting me and supporting me. Maybe it was because we live in a small town. Maybe because we lost a baby and people react differently to that than they do when an older child dies. I don’t know, but I don’t doubt for a minute that it can be so very different these days and I just wish I had a way to help you.

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  5. My son lived to be 33. He died of brain cancer. I have been in oncology provider for 30 years. I have counseled people who’ve lost a child to cancer. It does not matter how much experience you have in helping others through their grief process. It is a process. It is a process that you have to go through even though you know a lot about it. I have experienced anger at those, who in their efforts, claim to be grief expert’s, bungle up in terrible ways. I’ve felt the dread of being around people who might not say the right things or do the right things. Now that I know at an intimate level what grief feels like, perhaps now I am better equipped to just sit with a listening ear. Helping someone through a grief process does not require smart words or advice or admonition son how to do grief better or perfectly. Grief is a messy process. Helping someone through grief requires just sitting and hearing, loving and warm touches. It requires availability outside of convenience. Helping someone through the grief process is inconvenient. If you say please call me for anything I would love to help, it requires meaning it and following through in the middle of the night, in the middle of the day, in the middle of dinner out with friends, because grief is inconvenient. After all, losing my child was well beyond inconvenient. Being told it is not convenient is like devaluing a life that meant everything to those left behind. A five minute prayer for comfort and words of not being able to fully comprehend the loss has enormous value. That value will be remembered for a lifetime. Smart words, instructions on how to do it perfectly, bragging about grief counseling expertise, deferring a call because it is inconvenient will also last a
    Lifetime.

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  6. And it’s even worse if you lose a child to drugs. Not only do you grieve your horrific loss, you are told over and over that it was their own fault. I have shed so many tears over cruel remarks.

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  7. Pam. My daughter also died from drugs and she was diabetic she was not taking care of herself either. Her children were taken from her for having drugs around them. And know drug dealers I took custody of them the baby at 16 months and and one at 3yrs. The 3 yr old was trying to make sure his baby sister had food and tried to change her before he got ready for preschool. I got a call from a child welfare office if I would take them in or they would be put in foster care. She only went down hill after the kids were gone. She could come an see them anytime as long as she wasn’t high. Long sad story she never got the kids back because she knew I would take care of them. For some reason she just gave up trying when her useless baby daddy kept bring in the drugs. She was on life support for 2weeks when I had to make the most teribable decision to shut off life support for her. She was already gone because she had on brain activity. She was my baby and I still hurt every day I know some talked but they don’t matter. She was part of you and always will be. Keep your head up……

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  8. To all the families that have loved and lost my heart goes out to each and every one.Haven’t lost a child but can’t imagine the pain you go through on a daily basis. Prayers to all.

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  9. Not ever having experienced the loss of a child, I still grieve over my son having a traumatic brain injury.
    He died twice on a Life Flight & they resuscitated him both times.Yes I still grieve over the future of what he could have achieved. I can’t help it.
    I am so sorry for your loss. We can never understand unless we walk in that person’s shoes.

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    1. My son had a traumatic brain injury in 2000. From that day on he lived with us and would always live with us. I understand your sorrow for the tremendous loss of things hoped for and will never be. My 36 year old son died April 18, 2016 from a previously unknown heart problem and my world shattered. In one instant I became “that mom”. You know her because, to a degree, you are also her. You are the person that people say, “I could never imagine having a child with a TMI.” Now, I’m the mom who people say they could never imagine having a child die. Having experienced both horrible events I’ve discovered there is, truly, no comparison. You can hold your son’s hand, fix his favorite foods, nurture him, and give him a hug. I can rearrange my son’s urn in the living room, dust it, put his dog’s picture next to it one week and on top of it the next. That’s it. That’s all I can do. Your road is hard. I’ve walked it and you think it will never end. The TBI road ended and the road I’m on now will only end when I die and and see my son again in Heaven. Hang in there, sweet mama. Your road is hard but, trust me, you don’t want to join me on my journey.

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  10. I cannot help but to be angry when you mention (not nice) people in your life. “They know not what they do?” Rubbish. It is, unfortunately, up to you to stay away fr the people who hurt you….who think they know what they are talking about. God gives us power to decide what is best for US during this grief. To me, a friend would never judge my way of missing my son nor how long I cry or scream out loud. There is an app called Mood Tools my therapist introduced me to. It allows you to express feelings…gives alternative thoughts. We must protect ourselves. My son buried 2 days, my dad calls w no mention of the furneral….No! He asked if I was going to a Halloween party. He & i already had bad history so I wrote my mean dad off right then. I’m at peace. Go w God. He knows all truths. I’m at peace with our Lord. No one has the right to hurt you. No one.

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  11. Thank u! I lost my two baby boys when they were 2&4 yrs old in a tragic housefire. I tried so hard to save them, ended up in a coma for about a month, and my family was told u probably wouldn’t survive. When I did wake from the coma, not only did did I learn that my babies were gone, but I faced so much criticism and hate. The people who knew me, my children, and how much i loved them…the same people who bragged in how great of a mother I was, now blamed me because “I shouldn’t have been asleep at 9a.m.” they didn’t know my babies hadn’t felt well, they didn’t know what a rough night we had had…none of them were there or have me a chance to speak. In their eyes I was a horrible human and it was my fault my babies died. I wanted to die! Literally! As if my whole life hadn’t already fallen aapart, and as if I didn’t already wish for death…these people made me feel guilty for surviving! I was 24 years old when the fire claimed my babies lives, and mine as well! Only recently have i decided to reclaim my life! I have God and God’s got me. ALL of the same people have came back and begged me for forgiveness, and i have them that forgiveness…not for them, but for myself! I open my heart and my life to these same people despite how terrible they made the worst part of my life….I had one friend who stood beside me, and took care of me, as i couldn’t even bathe myself…she has been my bff since we were in kindergarten…she has never let me down, or turned on me. I love her with a love that runs as deep as the love i carry for my babies. God knew what He was doing when He gave me Amanda all them years ago! I was 24 years old when this tragedy hit…24! Never had I imagined that this would happen to me! The world is cold and cruel, and so are so many people. Do not let the world change you, but try to be the change the world needs. This has not made me cold…. this has made me the woman I am today….this has made me softer, nicer, more caring and understanding…this tragedy has made me want to reach out for others and help those that the world has given up on. It only takes ONE HEART to change the way a person feels…ONE CARING SOUL CAN MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN A LIFE THAT IS LOAT, GURTING, AND ALONE! BE THAT CHANGE THE WORLD NEEDS! R.I.P. MY BABY BOYS ARRISON AND BRAYDEN….FLY HIGH MY ANGELS…MOMMY LOVES YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY AND I MISS YOU A MILLION…UNTIL WE MEET IN THE SKY!

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