It’s been two years, three months, and 17 days since Amanda died.
In a way, it seems like a long time ago – but it also seems like it was yesterday. Kinda like when the kids were growing up and all of a sudden they were 2 and you can’t believe so much time has passed. Then, you turn around and they were graduating high school. But, there were those times – like during potty training, you felt like it took forever!
I feel like I am in a mud hole trying to walk wearing snow shoes. It’s a mud hole in the Amazon because there are mosquitoes everywhere, taking a little bit of blood with every bite. Struggling with every step and slapping down the mosquitoes trying to eat me alive. I am moving ahead, slowly but surely – not giving up. Trying to get over every bite and not scratch the bumps. Mainly, so they will heal eventually. Scratch the bites and they become bigger and infected.
Negative thoughts, yes. I have negative thoughts – not always. I am being honest about my thoughts today. The world today teaches to have a positive outlook and everything will be okay. Positive thoughts are supposed to overcome all of the hardships in our lives. I am positive of one thing, if you are not honest with yourself – you are running and relying on your own mind.
Truth is the circumstances of my life will not always be positive. Some days are dark, some circumstances are dark – losing my beloved daughter, Amanda Peake Glover, has been beyond dark. Storms come. Dog-gone, hurricanes come. Positive thoughts are not meant to see me through. Nope, if I depend on positive thoughts and other people – I will never be of any use to anyone, I will never be of any use to God.
Truth is I have to depend on Jesus. On His Word, on His promises, on His mercy, on His grace, on His purpose, on His plan, on His sacrifice.
Truth is I may suffer in this life, but it is with a purpose. “In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” 1Peter 1:6&7
Truth is I am brokenhearted but He heals me. “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalms 147:3
Truth is I mourn but He comforts me. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4
Truth is I have troubles but He gives me peace. “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16: 33
Truth is I feel lonely but He is with me. “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:20b
Truth is positive thoughts are depending on me but setting my mind on Christ first thing in the morning is what will change my day. “One positive thought in the morning can change your whole day” – worldly view “If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory. “ Colossians 3: 1-4 – Christ view.
I have had a rough few months. Swatting mosquitoes and trying not to sink in the mud. Without Jesus, I would just stay in bed. Without Jesus, I would not get dressed. Without Jesus, I would not reach out to others. Without Jesus, I would give up. But, I am a child of Christ. He gives me hope! I am not alone! He loves me!!!
Prayers, hugs and love to all of you!
Manda’s Mom #APG
(PS – I started this several days ago – It has now been 2 years, 3 months, 21 days.)