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Before and After

There stands a line between April 10th and April 12th , 2015.  April 11th 2015, the day Amanda died.  The line signifies life will never be the same.  Family, friends, church, work, hobbies, health, personality, and thoughts – changed forever.  Now time is signified in our family by before Amanda’s death and after Amanda’s death.

This is the time of year we spent a lot of time together.  Gamecock football games, birthdays, SC State Fair, Halloween, more birthdays, Operation Christmas Child, Church Homecoming, Thanksgiving, more birthdays – including hers, Lights at the Zoo, shopping for Christmas, Christmas.  Plenty of time together as a family.  The line changed it all.  Changed more than I ever could have imagined.  Not just because Amanda is gone, but the other people lost too.  Just trying to find a way to just get through a lot of it.  The Holiday planning is not something I look forward to doing.  I use to enjoy it so much.  Decorating, having everyone over and seeing so many generations together.  Not happening anymore is indescribable.  Never thought I would see the day.

I am not going to go through the whole list in the first paragraph.  I would never finish.  The line is a thick darkest black line – changed our lives forever.  Oh, we have had other lines in our life.  Our family has experienced deaths, financial troubles and sicknesses.  Those lines were not thick dark lines – they were thin light grey lines.  We made it through those lines together.  The new line has split us apart.

Lines are in everyone’s lives.   Some lines are more important than others.  Change lives more than others.

The most important line in my life was the day I was saved.  The day Jesus saved me from my sins.  I realized I am a sinner. Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”.  I realized without Jesus I was headed straight to hell.  Rom 6:23 “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” 

This is where the most important line in the world is set.  The day Jesus died for us.  Rom 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”  He laid down His life for us freely.  Jesus loves us enough to leave all the glory of Heaven, all the perfection, all the beauty, all the praise – Jesus was God in flesh.  The line of time is measured by His life.  B.C. is an abbreviation for “Before Christ.” A.D. is an abbreviation for “anno Domini,” which is Latin for “in the year of our Lord.” B.C. and A.D. are commonly used to count years in time. Jesus Christ’s birth is used as a starting point to count years that existed before (B.C.) and after (A.D.) He was born. Amazing huh?!!!

There is now a line of decision which can change lives forever – Eternally. Romans 10:9 & 10 “If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved.”  Romans 10:13 “for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”

The deepest darkest black line in my life has been Amanda’s death.  I could not survive that day or the events after without Jesus.  Jesus is the only way I have gotten through at all.  He is the only way I can get out of bed in the morning, continue on with my daily life and live with a semblance of living.  I have to trust Him more and quit worrying about tomorrow.  Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”   I have to pray, study His Word, and praise Him.  I have faith He will see me through – every minute, every hour, every day.

Jesus is the only way to get through the loss of a child.  It’s okay to grieve.  It’s okay to weep at times- some days, all day.  It’s okay to not feel “right” or “normal”.  Jesus is with us.  The Holy Spirit comforts us.  FROG – Forever Rely On God.  Psalms 23:4 “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” 2Cor 1:3-5  “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.”

I pray you feel His comfort.  Love, hugs and prayers for all of you!

Manda’s Mom    #APG #Forever32

28 thoughts on “Before and After

  1. I feel your pain. I am sorry. Yes, Jesus is the only way to travel this road – I lean on Jesus. Sometimes, it is so hard for family and friends to understand, but we who suffer this unspeakable loss are never the same. Our love is the same, even deeper

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you so much for that beautifully written piece. I will read it again. There is great strength there. The blackest line in my life was the day my mother committed suicide when I was 9 yrs old. I’m 65 now. My Christopher passed unexpectedly 6 months ago. I do not know the color of his line yet. I fell in to unbelievable depths of despair for 6 weeks, couldn’t take any more, asked my acupuncturist if she had some herbs for depression, and she sure did. Started feeling better and had more energy. So I will stay on this drug as long as I have to. At any given moment of the day, I know that I could fall on the floor can in sobs if I allow myself to think certain thoughts. Thank you for helping me to remember who it is that I must lean on every minute of every day. I can’t do this on my own. I am forever different, this I know. But I want it to be in a good way. The Lord will lead the way.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Cindy
    Haven’t seen you much lately. I miss your smile , Amanda’s smile. I see Charnell, I miss you and the love you express like you do in Awanas. What can we do to get you to come back and start again where you left off. The months are turning into years. The years pass quickly. God wants you to be His Labor of love, don’t you think?

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  4. I was breezing through and this blog caught my eye, not because I have lost a child but because I know so many that have. It boggles my mind and I cannot begin to understand it. The closest I have gotten is losing my 6 year old for 2 hours as search and rescue began looking for him in the Colorado Mts. At that moment something happened and I felt His presence. I don’t know your story but I am amazed that you can write this and continue for those that are wracking their brains trying to understand. Thank you. Like I said, I haven’t gone through this but have walked with those that have and seen beauty out of ashes that I view from a distance. I say to myself God is awesome and these people are weapons in the hands of the Lord. They have made themselves pliable to be God’s instruments. And it amazes me. Thank you.

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  5. I pray for all of us. Personally, I miss hearing the word, Mom. He was my only child & Our closeness was palatable. 2 days fr now Will be 5 years he passed on. What keeps me going thru this week is knowing he is in a bliss w God that is more than we can even imagine on Earth. Our loving Lord tells us we will meet again. Praise God daily!!

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  6. I pray for all of us. Personally, I miss hearing the word, Mom. He was my only child & Our closeness was palatable. 2 days fr now Will be 5 years he passed on. What keeps me going thru this week is knowing he is in a bliss w God that is more than we can even imagine on Earth. Our loving Lord tells us we will meet again. Praise God daily!!

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  7. I too lost my daughter Amanda 14 months ago. She was 22. My life will never be the same. I have been in a deep major depression ever since. I’ve been trying to figure out how to live with this tragedy. She was my only child and my life. Your story helped me and I will
    Reach out to Jesus and to God for strength to try and live because at this point in my life I don’t see the point of my life.

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  8. PS – I used to call my daughter Amanda too. It was like she was trying to send me a message today and to get help with dealing with this tragedy.

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  9. My son Morris passed away October 20, 2017. I have been searching for a support group and found this one. I wanted to connect with someone who understands the grief and pain. He was 38 years old. Today has been tough. I miss him so much!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I totally understand your pain . I lost my daughter September 26, 2016 and the pain is unbearable !!!! I also am looking for support groups in my city . I’ll pray for you please pray for me. There’s no pain greater than losing a child .

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  10. My son Austin died December 13, 2017 almost 3 and half weeks, I was looking for a support group and found you! I am so sorry about Amanda’s death, she was a beautiful girl, and so as my son, I miss hearing the sound of his voice, but I know he is in Heaven with God, his battle is over and I know how painful is to loose a child, I pray every day to be strong and Try to understand his death

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    1. I also try to understand and ask God please to give me a sign that she is OK . If I just knew that for sure my life would be so much different . My heart Maybe filled with some joy and I won’t have to pretend anymore .

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  11. Prayers for you and your family. Unfortunately I know what your going thru. I lost my son Jansen in dec of 2016. He was 19 and a sophomore at college. I got the call no parent wants to get. As I lay here trying to find sleep I read your words and they brought me comfort. I know I have to lean on Jesus more, it’s just so hard when I miss him so much. Thanks for sharing your words of wisdom.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nikki,
      I know your pain! My son too was taken from me at the tender age of 19 on New Years 2017 No words can ever express the grief we have to bear! My son too was a sophomore in college with a bright future ahead!
      I know he is in heaven with our Lord Jesus Christ, and I will see him again one day!
      I pray in your seasons of grief that you find peace !

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  12. My deepest darkest line was a week ago when my only baby girl was born stillborn. Please pray for me i am beyond sad and very angry to have to experience this loss of someone i wanted so bad and was so prepared for she was taken and it hurts deeply! I am 32 years old and have never experienced pain like this!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We also just lost our baby girl a couple weeks ago. It is such an overwhelming feeling of sadness and grief. Also as you said, a greater pain then I have ever experienced before. I pray that you have found some peace over the last month to help with your grief. I have heard the pain gets better, but you never forget. And there are things that will bring that pain back without any warning. Again praying for you.

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      1. My only child, Matt, passed on. It will be 6 yrs in Oct. It does get easier on a daily basis, but then, it has been such a long time since I heard the beautiful name “mom”. I still cannot truly believe he is gone. My life will never, ever be the same. But, a part of me understands this was meant to be thru God…or it would not have occurred. Bless all of us “moms”. Amen.

        On Mon, Apr 9, 2018, 11:28 AM A Parent’s Grief – #APG wrote:

        > Heidi commented: “We also just lost our baby girl a couple weeks ago. It > is such an overwhelming feeling of sadness and grief. Also as you said, a > greater pain then I have ever experienced before. I pray that you have > found some peace over the last month to help with your ” >

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      2. I am so sorry that you lost your baby! I know exactly what you are feeling! In the beginning when it first happened i couldn’t get out the bed! The days have become easier to deal.. the grief definitely comes in waves! Some days i feel almost normal (although i think this experience has changed me forever) then other days i feel so deep in depression that it’s almoat suffocating….. I pray that you and your family are Doing well! I also hope that you and your significant other are sticking together at this tough time it helps to have someone there who experienced it with you! Again I’m am soooooo sorry this happened to you! I just always think that i have a little angel watching me daily and she will be waiting on me in heaven when it’s my time 💜 Also If you ever need a listening ear please email me chainatrotter@yahoo.com

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    2. I’m so very sorry I will pray for you . Doesn’t matter what age the pain is all the same . My daughter was 28 years old when I lost her. I pray every day for signs of hope .

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      1. Dear Mom. I do understand your utter pain. My brother was like your sweetheart . My entire family always remember his b-day. You are a mom & I will say a prayer you become a new mom, again, soon. Having me was my mother’s only hope. Keep busy. She did a paint by number picture. God bless you & your family.

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  13. My youngest child, Connor died 2 months and 21 days ago… He was only 10yrs old. I am trying to understand why God has taken him from me. My faith is strong and I understand that he knows what he is doing. But the pain this is causing my heart and soul is becoming crippling. I have begun to beg God to take me too. For a life without his shinning smile and energetic personality in my life is more than I can handle. I have experienced a lot of loss and trails and abuse in my life. More than one person should ever have too. And I still Rose above them and lived my life as grateful as I could. But this, this has destroyed my will and fight within. He is in heaven with Jesus, this I know. But why would God take him ahead of me? I don’t know if I can go on, everyday I struggle to get out of bed. I yearn for his hugs and want nothing at all except to be with him again.

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