Before and After

There stands a line between April 10^th and April 12^th , 2015.  April 11^th 2015, the day Amanda died.  The line signifies life will never be the same.  Family, friends, church, work, hobbies, health, personality, and thoughts – changed forever.  Now time is signified in our family by before Amanda’s death and after Amanda’s death.

This is the time of year we spent a lot of time together.  Gamecock football games, birthdays, SC State Fair, Halloween, more birthdays, Operation Christmas Child, Church Homecoming, Thanksgiving, more birthdays – including hers, Lights at the Zoo, shopping for Christmas, Christmas.  Plenty of time together as a family.  The line changed it all.  Changed more than I ever could have imagined.  Not just because Amanda is gone, but the other people lost too.  Just trying to find a way to just get through a lot of it.  The Holiday planning is not something I look forward to doing.  I use to enjoy it so much.  Decorating, having everyone over and seeing so many generations together.  Not happening anymore is indescribable.  Never thought I would see the day.

I am not going to go through the whole list in the first paragraph.  I would never finish.  The line is a thick darkest black line – changed our lives forever.  Oh, we have had other lines in our life.  Our family has experienced deaths, financial troubles and sicknesses.  Those lines were not thick dark lines – they were thin light grey lines.  We made it through those lines together.  The new line has split us apart.

Lines are in everyone’s lives.   Some lines are more important than others.  Change lives more than others.

The most important line in my life was the day I was saved.  The day Jesus saved me from my sins.  I realized I am a sinner. Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”.  I realized without Jesus I was headed straight to hell.  Rom 6:23 “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” 

This is where the most important line in the world is set.  The day Jesus died for us.  Rom 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”  He laid down His life for us freely.  Jesus loves us enough to leave all the glory of Heaven, all the perfection, all the beauty, all the praise – Jesus was God in flesh.  The line of time is measured by His life.  B.C. is an abbreviation for “Before Christ.” A.D. is an abbreviation for “anno Domini,” which is Latin for “in the year of our Lord.” B.C. and A.D. are commonly used to count years in time. Jesus Christ’s birth is used as a starting point to count years that existed before (B.C.) and after (A.D.) He was born. Amazing huh?!!!

There is now a line of decision which can change lives forever – Eternally. Romans 10:9 & 10 “If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved.”  Romans 10:13 “for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”

The deepest darkest black line in my life has been Amanda’s death.  I could not survive that day or the events after without Jesus.  Jesus is the only way I have gotten through at all.  He is the only way I can get out of bed in the morning, continue on with my daily life and live with a semblance of living.  I have to trust Him more and quit worrying about tomorrow.  Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”   I have to pray, study His Word, and praise Him.  I have faith He will see me through – every minute, every hour, every day.

Jesus is the only way to get through the loss of a child.  It’s okay to grieve.  It’s okay to weep at times- some days, all day.  It’s okay to not feel “right” or “normal”.  Jesus is with us.  The Holy Spirit comforts us.  FROG – Forever Rely On God.  Psalms 23:4 “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” 2Cor 1:3-5  “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.”

I pray you feel His comfort.  Love, hugs and prayers for all of you!

Manda’s Mom    #APG #Forever32

Seems like yesterday

It’s been two years, three months, and 17 days since Amanda died.

In a way, it seems like a long time ago – but it also seems like it was yesterday.  Kinda like when the kids were growing up and all of a sudden they were 2 and you can’t believe so much time has passed.  Then, you turn around and they were graduating high school.  But, there were those times – like during potty training, you felt like it took forever!

I feel like I am in a mud hole trying to walk wearing snow shoes.  It’s a mud hole in the Amazon because there are mosquitoes everywhere, taking a little bit of blood with every bite.   Struggling with every step and slapping down the mosquitoes trying to eat me alive.  I am moving ahead, slowly but surely – not giving up.  Trying to get over every bite and not scratch the bumps.  Mainly, so they will heal eventually.  Scratch the bites and they become bigger and infected.

Negative thoughts, yes.  I have negative thoughts – not always.  I am being honest about my thoughts today.  The world today teaches to have a positive outlook and everything will be okay. Positive thoughts are supposed to overcome all of the hardships in our lives. I am positive of one thing, if you are not honest with yourself – you are running and relying on your own mind.

Truth is the circumstances of my life will not always be positive.  Some days are dark, some circumstances are dark – losing my beloved daughter, Amanda Peake Glover, has been beyond dark.  Storms come.  Dog-gone, hurricanes come.    Positive thoughts are not meant to see me through.  Nope, if I depend on positive thoughts and other people – I will never be of any use to anyone, I will never be of any use to God.

Truth is I have to depend on Jesus.  On His Word, on His promises, on His mercy, on His grace, on His purpose, on His plan, on His sacrifice. 

Truth is I may suffer in this life, but it is with a purpose. “In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” 1Peter 1:6&7

Truth is I am brokenhearted but He heals me. “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”  Psalms 147:3

Truth is I mourn but He comforts me.  “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”  Matthew 5:4

Truth is I have troubles but He gives me peace. “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16: 33

Truth is I feel lonely but He is with me.   “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:20b

Truth is positive thoughts are depending on me but setting my mind on Christ first thing in the morning is what will change my day.  “One positive thought in the morning can change your whole day” – worldly view  “If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory. “ Colossians 3: 1-4 – Christ view.

I have had a rough few months.  Swatting mosquitoes and trying not to sink in the mud.  Without Jesus, I would just stay in bed.   Without Jesus, I would not get dressed.  Without Jesus, I would not reach out to others.  Without Jesus, I would give up.  But, I am a child of Christ. He gives me hope!  I am not alone!  He loves me!!!

Prayers, hugs and love to all of you!

Manda’s Mom #APG

 

(PS – I started this several days ago – It has now been 2 years, 3 months, 21 days.)

It’s not okay

 “Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.”  1 John 3:18

It’s not okay to be mean.  It’s not okay to be hateful.  It’s not okay to be rude.  It’s not okay to claim to be a Christian, with big smiles all over your social media, and treat people badly.  It’s not okay to talk to others about something when you do not know the whole story.  It’s not okay to be a bully.  It’s not okay to discount the way children feel.  It’s not okay to talk about a situation you know nothing about.  It’s not okay to ignore others.  It’s not okay to be sneaky.  It’s not okay to intentionally hurt someone else.  It’s not okay to do, post, allow or say things; you know will hurt someone else.  It’s not okay to act like you are better than everyone else.  It’s not okay to act holier than thou.  It’s not okay to be a bully.  It’s not okay to talk bad about others around children.  It’s not okay to repeat something told to you in confidence. It’s not okay for you to do something you KNOW will hurt someone.  It’s not okay to send a text like you care but your actions say different. It’s not okay to send anonymous messages and pictures. It’s not okay!  It’s wrong PERIOD.

A common theme among mother’s who have had a child die is they are treated horrible.  For some reason, instead of giving us a little slack we are held to a higher standard.  More is expected from us.  We are not forgiven for mistakes we have made.  We are to be perfect in our grief.  We are expected to act like life is a bed of roses.  Then there are those who are on the “outskirts” of what is going on who feel like they need to put in their two cents.  All of a sudden, your whole life is a mess on top of grieving for your child.  They do not care.  It’s a topic of gossip for them without realizing they are actually destroying humans – people – people who have had a child die.  The funniest (not funny) part is they actually think they know what they are talking about – they only know what they see and hear from one side.  They have turned their back on the person who they have told – “I can’t imagine”.  They are allowing Satan to use them to do what he does best – destroy!

I sound mad, I know.  I am.  If you are a bereaved mother, you have been right where I am right now at this moment.  We are tired.  We want to leave.  We want to run away.  We want to yell, scream and throw a fit.  We have had enough.  We can’t take anymore. We want to shout – give us a break, our child died!

My husband has said –“try not to let it bother you”.  I have tried.  Over and over and over and over and over and over.  But, it bothers him.  Over and over and over and over and over.  I can’t count how many times he has been hurt by the very people he loves dearly.  The very people he has gone out of his way to help.  The very people he would give up his very own life.  The very people who he has taken care of over and over.  Satan is alive and well.  Destroyer of relationships.

Why?  Why are they doing this?  Because they are having fun.  Because they are having a good time.  Because they like seeing others in pain.  Because they are more important than others.  Because they have all the answers.  Because they are having a good time.    They are living a soap opera only life is not a soap opera.

Yesterday was my birthday.  My husband planned a supper to celebrate; he had to make me go.  The stress was more than I wanted to deal with.  I cried a lot of the day.  Why?  Why couldn’t I make myself thankful enough for the people left in my life to be happy?  Why? Because I grieve over people I am still losing.  I grieve over the life I am living now.  I grieve because others don’t care how much they hurt my husband and me.  I grieve over the lost celebrations with my daughter, Amanda Peake Glover.  Forever 32.

The majority of the people I know think I am wrong.  This post will more than likely make some angry.  Ask yourself, why are you mad?  Do you see yourself in this? Because it’s the truth? It’s okay for you to say whatever but I can’t tell how I feel?  Am I supposed to hide behind some rock?  Know this, I love all of you and read to the end before you make a judgment!

Some beliefs are being taught which are absolutely wrong.  We are not living heaven on earth.   We are to live separate from the world.  We are to be different morally.  When you have others say over and over again – “I thought they were a Christian” – it’s a sign something is very wrong.  Fear, hatred, un-forgiveness, meanness, anxiety, impatience, stress; are not from the Lord.  We have to recognize this and realize who it is from.  We can not let Satan be the victor in our minds, hearts and souls.  We have to do what is right no matter how we are treated.  It’s so hard though.  Without God, it’s impossible.

All of you bereaved mothers out there – Where is the hope in all of this?  Jesus.  Jesus is our hope.  Luke 18:27 “Jesus replied, “What is impossible with man is possible with God.””  Our relationships can be restored by God alone.  There is still hope.  Keep in mind, Job lost everything then everyone turned on him.  God restored Job. He can restore us too.

I thank God I have family and friends who love me.  With all of my faults, they have still stood by my side.  That is true love.  It’s the love of Jesus.  When I was unlovable, He loved me.  1 John 3:16 “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.” 1 John 3:18 “Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.” 

(You may be wondering where all of this has come from, you may be even speculating right at this moment.  It’s from conversations, group post and emails from mothers who have lost children and from my own experience.  In other words, it is combined experiences we have had.  It truly is amazing how similar the stories are from mothers.  Y’all hang in there – do not give up and do not give in!)

Lord, let my actions be out of love.  Lord, help me to keep my eyes on you and not on man.  Lord, heal my broken heart.  Lord, help me to respond with love and truth.  Lord, help me to forgive.  Lord, help others to forgive me.

Colossians 3:13 “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

Hugs, prayers and love to all of you!

Manda’s Mom #APG

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What the World Needs Now….

We all want to be loved.  It’s something we yearn for, to be loved by others.  Loving others is something we are called to do by our Heavenly Father.  “I love you” is easy for some to say; comes harder for others.   Feeling loved by others is uplifting, encouraging and the greatest feeling in the world.  We know we are not living life alone.  Someone cares and loves us.

Feeling hated is an awful feeling.  Sometimes we can figure out why or what we have done to cause someone to hate us, sometimes we can’t.  We can reach out to repair the relationship but there is nothing we can do; the relationship is lost forever.  It’s horrible, just horrible to feel hated. There is a fine line between love and hate.  I have experienced it, hatefulness.  Many of you have too.  You have written me about it. I hate no one.  I have had to pray over and over about it – but I hate no one – I’ve had to ask the Lord to help me!  It’s been hard at times.

Apathy is even worse.  In between love and hate – Apathy is something hard to react too.  No feelings either way.  I would rather someone hate me, at least I know not to take what they say seriously, but apathy usually brings about a greater hurt.  The hurt of “I don’t care”.  Basically saying I’m not worth anything.

Words are extremely powerful.  I love to hear “I love you”.  I love to say “I love you”.  Since Amanda died, I am even more thankful I say “I love you” to others.  Never know when it’s going to be your last time.

Words spoken to mothers who have lost a child are extremely, extremely important.  Some of the things spoken to people who have written me are unbelievable.  Unbelievable, except several have been spoken to me.  I have also overheard conversations regarding me, where the words were just hateful.

We are not having a “pity party”.  Until you have lost a child you have no idea what kind of grief we are experiencing.  Do you think of your children everyday?  Well, I do – I always have.  I think about my whole family every – single – day, every day!  Hence, I think of Amanda every single day.  Every Mom thinks about their children everyday.  Everyday, I face her death – everyday, I think about what is gone, forever – not just a day, a week, a month, a year – forever.  Everyday I think about her love for her family, love for others, her smile, her laughter and her death.

We are not “trying to get attention”  by crying.  Believe me; those of us who have lost a child would rather hold it together around others, in the grocery store, in front of a whole crowd of people and driving down the road.  It’s embarrassing, it’s crushing to our spirit and it’s uncontrollable.  We have no idea when it is going to hit; we have no way to control it.

It has not been “long enough”.  Each person’s grief is very different.  Just be aware, just because you see us post our children’s picture on Facebook does not mean we are in the midst of deep depression or we have not faced the truth.  For me, I like looking at her smiling face.  Just because you see us crying from time to time does not mean, we are not dealing with the death.  Sometimes, it’s the place, the people we are with, an action or a word spoken that makes us cry.  How long is long enough?  What is the magic time?  What day do we mark on the calendar?

“Just get over it”.  “Get on with your life”.  “Move on”.   Maybe, just maybe, it is a standard we can not meet.   We understand, others are over it, gotten on with their life, and moved on, but a parent’s relationship with a child is totally different.  Some people didn’t care enough to grieve for any length of time.  In our mind, it relates to the amount of love you had for our child.  It surely shows the amount of love you have for us.  Never considering our feelings – just want us to feel something we are not able to feel.

“Be thankful you have other children or have grandchildren”.  I am thankful – for each and every one of them.  I love them with all my heart and will forever. They are separate individuals, they do not replace Amanda.  I can not assign my love for Amanda to someone else.  My family does give me a reason to get out of bed on certain days.

These are just a few of the things said to other mothers and to me.  Apparently, it is common practice to decide for us how we are to live, how long we should grieve and what we are to do.  I have had too many people to write me and say the exact same things.

You see, we just want to be loved enough to be worthy of kindness.  We need kind words, we need to hear “I love you”, and we need for others to put yourself in our shoes.  We don’t want to feel like our grief is an inconvenience.  We want our feelings considered when things are said, things are posted and when things are written. (Yes, letters and emails have been written saying these things!)  There are a lot more, I just do not have the space to go through all of them.

Several years ago, I visited a lady who was dying.  She had lost a son many, many, many, years before.  I have thought about her words since Amanda died.  She said she was looking forward to seeing Jesus.  She was looking forward to seeing her son.  She was looking forward to not feeling the pain of living without him.  She was in a lot of physical pain herself but that wasn’t the pain she wanted gone – she wanted the grief to be over.  I believe her words are true for all of the parents living this nightmare of losing a child.

We are trying to find balance.  Not really a new normal.  Just looking for a way to balance our life with the loss of our child.  It’s a difficult thing.  We need your love.

Yes, we have probably done a lot of things wrong.  Just like having a baby, you do the best you can along the way with the help of the Lord, Doctors, family, friends and books (especially the Bible).  Each stage is different; each experience is different for each person.  Death of child is the same way, only it’s not a joyous occasion.   It’s not something anyone really wants to be involved with.  We surely don’t.

Jesus called us to love each other above all and deeply.  Remember, words go a long way in the process.  The above phrases do not show love.  They are judgmental and selfish.  It becomes how we are dealing with the death of our child instead of what we are dealing with after the death of a child.  The phrases also make us afraid.  Afraid for the future, we are never going to measure up.  We are never going to be worthy of your love.  We are afraid of what will be said next.

Romans 12:9 & 10, 15 “Love must be sincere.  Hate what is evil, cling to what is good.  Be devoted to one another in love.  Honor one another above yourself…..  Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn.”

1 John 4:18 & 19 “There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.  We love because He first loved us.”

If you try, we will.

“Everyone was embarrassed.  She had never realized before her life was torn apart how awkward grief was, how inconvenient for everyone with whom the mourner came into contact.  At first it was acknowledged and respected and deferred to.  But after a while it got in the way-of conversation, of laughter, of normal life.  Everyone wanted to put it behind them, to get on with things, and there you were, in the way, blocking the path, dragging the body of your dead child behind you.”  Excerpt from Into the Water by Paula Hawkins – this is how I feel a lot of the time.

I felt a need to write this blog because I am getting the same comments over and over from other Moms.  People can be very cruel without intending to be.  Some want to cause hurt.  Either way – to all you Moms out there who have lost a child – You are not alone. We have each other.  There are those who are a great encouragement – hang on to them.  For those who hurt you over and over – let ‘em go, love ‘em but let ‘em go.  Space can be a good thing.

Hugs, prayers and love to all of you,

We are not alone, with His Comfort, Love, Grace and Mercy – we can get up and go on.

Manda’s Mom

Glimpses and Glances

I am sure it has happened to everyone.  You get a glimpse of someone or glance across a room and you think you see someone you know.  Then you realize, nope – it’s not them.  You may even hear someone laugh, talk or make a comment just like someone you know.  But, once again, it’s not who you thought it was.  You may see an approaching car or pass a car and wave – only to figure out, it was a complete stranger!  Happens to all of us.

Amanda has been gone for almost 26 months now.  There are many times, I see someone, hear someone, have someone walk into a room and my heart skips a beat or two.  It may even be the way they are dressed.   I think – Amanda.  Only, I have to tell myself, nope – she’s not here anymore.  But, for a second or two, I see her.

There are many people who remind me of Amanda.  She had a friend who could be her sister.  When I see her, my heart skips a beat or two.  There is also a family member who does the same thing.  There was a lady at a ball field.  There have been several people in a store or riding down the road.  Sometimes its something said, the way someone walks into a room, a laugh, or a comment Amanda would make; then I am right there in the same spot, reminding myself – Amanda is not here.

For me, one of the hardest parts of this “journey” is I have to remind myself, she is not here, and she is dead.  She is not on a long vacation or living in some place I can only see her a couple times a year.  Amanda hasn’t just gone away for a while.  I am not anticipating her returning.  No, she is gone.  Here one second, gone the next.  No warning.  No alarm.  No goodbyes.

I think this happens to others who knew her, not positive because we have never talked about it.  Happened not too long ago to me when I saw a picture posted on Facebook.  I glanced at the picture as I scrolled and had to do a double take.  A picture of Amanda.  Nope, wasn’t her.  My heart stopped and my tears started.  Once again, I had to tell myself, she is gone.

I guess this will go on forever.  I am not sure.  It has lasted over two years.  Some of you may know how long, you lost your child a long time ago.  You would think by now it wouldn’t happen.  You would think.  But no.  It’s still happening.  I know, reminding myself she is gone seems to be something I have to do over and over. At least, I am not bursting out in tears every time.  It’s an improvement.  I have “lost it” several times.  I am sure those around had no idea why.

Happened at a holiday – I couldn’t wait to leave.  Begged my husband to “let’s go”.  I couldn’t tell him why.  He talked me into staying for a while and I did.  I was embarrassed.  I am sure the whole family thought I was just crazy.  What happened – “Amanda” walked into the room.  I fell to pieces.  I spent the rest of the time trying to hold myself together.  Couldn’t even really talk to anyone or relax because I was distraught.

I have tried to protect myself from this happening as much as possible.  It is getting less frequent – seeing her, reminding myself she died and is not coming back.  It’s hard.  Hard is not the right word – it’s overwhelmingly heart wrenching.   It is a dark place.

Then, oh then, I am reminded.  While these things last a little while.  I have greater things to dwell on.  Light.  There is light.  Moments, times and periods upon periods of Light.  Thankfulness, joy, happiness and gladness.  My “troubles” are different than before.  I am dealing with the hardest thing anyone can deal with, my daughter died.  God reminds me.  Cindy, its okay.  It’s okay to mourn for a moment, a day, and a period of time.  Jesus mourned.  Jesus was overwhelmed with grief.  Jesus wept.  But, but remember – You are not alone.  I am here, the great I am!  Search Me and find Me.

I get His Word out, I study.  Or – He reminds me through His Word hidden in my heart or some person with a word of encouragement.   Foremost, God’s Word has the answers, the comfort and the path.  Pray.  Read.  Study.  Listen.

“Send me your light and your faithful care, let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell. Then I will go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God.  Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. ” Psalm 43:3-5

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”  John 1: 1-5(ESV)

Darkness can not overcome the Light.  I am not alone.  Jesus loves me, walks with me and sustains me.  He will see me through.  Jesus will see you through too.  Search Him and know Him.

I am thankful I can turn to a living Savior who understands my heart.  He hears me.  He answers.  I maybe downcast at the moment, but there are glimpses of light.  I have to remember to be thankful.  I have family I dearly love.  I have a roof over my head.  I have food.  I have clothing.  I have friends.  I have a church family.  Most of all, I have hope.  A hope and an assurance.  One day, when I see Amanda – I will be seeing HER face to face; praising our Savior together!

I also hope these words can bring you some comfort.  We all have bad times, minutes, hours, days, or weeks.  We have to somehow make ourselves turn toward the light.  We have to continue on for the living.  As hard as it is to do, we can do it.  You are not alone.  Unfortunately, there are many of us.  Fortunately, we have each other.  We understand the pain.  Let’s get up and get going, right now.  Let tomorrow be.  For now, let’s live this moment.

Hugs, Prayers, and Love to all of you!

Manda’s Mom #APG

Living Peaceably

What am I willing to do to live peaceably with all people?  I have been thinking about it a lot lately.  It seems to be hard to do these days.  Live peaceably.  Scripture tells us in Romans 12:18 “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”  (ESV)  All I can say as there seems to be turmoil surrounding me these last couple of years.

I do realize a lot of it is straight from Satan.  Confusion and strained relationships and hurt and misunderstandings and uncertainty and stress and anxiety are not of God.  I have been told people feel tension around me; not just around me but in the whole room.  So, what am I to do?  I really do not want others to feel uncomfortable.  I want to have a peaceable relationships with all.

It’s why I have had difficulty writing these last few weeks.  What do I say to keep the peace?  What do I do to keep the peace?  How do I make others feel at ease when I am around?

The answer to make some feel more comfortable is to just not be around them.  Stay away.  Simple enough.  There are those I have no choice but to be around, unless I become a hermit.  And then there are others I want to be around.   They enhance my life greatly.

**I started writing this yesterday.  Didn’t finish because I was having a hard day; simply had to go home and go to bed.  Then, well to put it mildly, I lost it with a couple of people.  Said things that I should have kept to myself.  I was too emotional to be handling any situation but I continued on to the point of hurting them.  Lost my self control which in turn hurt someone else.  Not a way to live peaceable with people when it’s in my power to do so.  I apologized but, we all know, words hurt.  I know it very, very, very, well.  I have to learn to give it to God – my emotions – part of being a Christian is living the fruits of the Spirit.  Self-control and gentleness were lost to me last night.  Sin.  My sin.  Galatians 5: 22 & 23 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” 

The following passage is prior to the “Fruits of the Spirit” passage: “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.  Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.” Galatians 5: 16-21

I am thankful I can not lose my salvation.  Jesus paid the price for my sin.  My sins are forgiven.  I am still a sinner.  I sinned with a lack of self-control and gentleness last night.  Being emotional is no excuse.  I have asked the Lord to forgive me.  I have asked them to forgive me.  I am sure I will still pay the price for the sin.  It will take a while for the relationships to heal.  They may not ever be the same. It breaks my heart.

I have a big heart.  I love people.  I really do.  I go in with my whole heart.  It’s why I hurt so deeply. Especially, when I know I have hurt someone.   Especially, when I love someone  and they don’t love me back.  Especially, when I love someone and feel abandoned or wronged.  I have to pray for others more, especially when I feel hurt.  I still love people with my whole heart but there are some I have to avoid.  Bad company ruin good morals.

Amanda’s death does not give me a pass in the way to treat others.  I am to treat them the way I would want them to treat me.  I am to love them as I love myself.  First and foremost I am to love God with my whole heart and live in the Spirit not the flesh.  “And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.” “  Luke 10:27 (ESV)  Anger will never produce the righteousness of God.

Life is difficult.  I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.  The next stone to be thrown.  The next thing to happen that will hurt me to my very core.

It’s hard after losing a child to not allow emotions to control our lives.  After all, we are emotional.  Unless we run and try not to deal with it, we are going to be up and down.  Emotions raging wide and wildly at times.  No one, absolutely no one, can replace the child we have lost. But, we have to remember we are among the living.  We have to treat them as we want to be treated regardless.  We have to love them.  We have to pray for them.  We can choose to not be around those who cause us to stumble or fall – those who are hurting us.  But, we still have to love them and pray extra for them.  We have to try our hardest to live peaceably with all when it’s within our power to do so.

So, what am I willing to do to live peaceably with others?  Live boldly for the Lord.  Live in the Spirit not the flesh.  Love others regardless.  Pray for others, including those who hurt me.  Guard my heart.  Avoid certain people and situations.  It’s all Scriptural.  The Word is my guide – the light to my path.  Yours too.  We are not alone.  Jesus, the same yesterday, today and forever loves us and cares for us.

Love and hugs to all of you

Manda’s Mom #APG

NOTE:  Help and support is hard to find when you have a child die.  I’ve always recommended your family physician first.  I have a great relationship with my Doctor, he has helped me tremendously. 

Secondly I have recommended finding a Psychologist or Psychiatrist through the following links – http://www.apa.org/index.aspx or https://www.psychiatry.org/

I have been doing some research and came across the following web sites that may be of some help.  They have chapters which meet all over the United States.  https://www.compassionatefriends.org and https://www.bereavedparentsusa.org

I hope these will be helpful to you.  I am not endorsing the groups.  I do not really know enough to do so but I thought with so many request, I should share the two major ones I found. 

Mother’s Day after a Child Dies

Amanda and I used do a skit on Mother’s Day in our church.  The skit was more of a reading.  We did it several times over the years.  I loved performing it with her. The skit was about us as Mothers taking care of our children as they were growing up.   Over the years we had people request for us to perform the skit.

Things I would say as a Mom to Amanda –  “Put your sweater on, it’s cold outside.”  “Be careful walking down the steps, you don’t want to fall and break a leg.”  “Hold my hand, we are crossing the road”.  Things Mom do – Tuck them in bed,  kiss and hug them, bandage their boo-boo’s, drive them to wherever they need to go.

Then the skit moved to Amanda saying and doing the same things for me.  How the roles would change to her taking care of me.  Telling me to “Put your sweater on, it’s cold outside.”  I’m sure you get the picture.

In our family, we would get to talking about my husband and myself getting older and/or dying.  I have pointed out several things in my house that are to be passed down.  The kids used to laugh and say the first thing they were going to do was have a garage sell.  They were glad I pointed out the things which would bring the higher price.  My son-in-law used to tell me, I should be very thankful for him.  He would be the one to take care of me.  I always said I know and I was and still am very thankful for him.  As I am for my daughter-in-law.  But the point is – it’s not so funny now.   A parent should never have to bury their child, but unfortunately it happens every day.

Amanda took care of us while she was alive in several ways.  She was my prayer partner.  She would stock up on different grocery items (coupons!) and give them to us.  She would go with me to grocery shop for vacations and would go with me to pick out clothes for the kids – especially the holiday stuff.  I’ve always enjoyed buying their clothes for Easter and Christmas especially.  Amanda would always check to make sure we were alright on our travels.  When we were leaving and when we were coming back.  Any time I had something to prepare for at Church, she was there to help.  Children’s Church, AWANA, Children’s activities….she would make the time.  Amanda was a care giver.  Not just to us, but to her brother and nieces.  Funny, the one thing she wouldn’t do was help clean up the kitchen after family dinners!!

The last month has been absolutely horrible.  That’s putting it mildly actually.  Between the anniversary of her death and Mother’s Day coming, I am struggling.  There are only a couple of people I have told how bad I feel.  But, I am going on.  I dread just about everything.  When I feel like something good is happening or has happened, there is someone or something to blast it all out of the water.

Yes, it has been two years.  No, I am not over it.  Please, try to imagine – burying your child.  Please, try to imagine – your family life being totally disrupted.  Please, try to imagine – people saying horrible things to you.  Please, try to imagine – people do not want to be around you.  Please, try to imagine – your church life being changed drastically.  Please, try to imagine – watching your husband holding in all in.  Please, try to imagine – struggling to find something to talk about around people.  Please, try to imagine – friends ridiculing you for crying.  Please, try to imagine – being hurt over and over again for the past two years.  My daughter died.  She’s not coming back.  I’m not going to “get over it”.  I go on.  I live.  But, I will never get over her death.

Thank God there are few people who send text, send cards, invite us out to dinner and give me hugs.  They realize the struggle.  They understand the gravity of the situation.

One thing I will never do is act like she didn’t exist.  I will not take down all of her pictures and remove the things she made as a child.  I do have my bumper stickers to remind me to “Live, Life, Loud”.  Amanda lived.  She had a family.  She had friends.  Amanda was loved by a lot of people.  Her memory needs to live on for all of us who loved her.  Especially her children.  Amanda was a good example of a Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sister, Aunt, Grandchild and Friend.

I know this blog sounds like I am venting.  I am.  Not just for me, but for all of you out there who have lost a child and people expect more out of you than you can give.  I understand.  I understand how horrible it feels to not be understood at all.  I understand how everything in your life is turned inside out.  I understand some times you just can’t hold it together – not for attention as some will say, but it’s part of our lives now.  I understand others think you should be over it and you are far from it.  I understand the victories are small at times and large at times.  I understand there are periods of time when it’s all you can do to look at another person.  I feel your pain and anguish.

I also know, we can not stay there.  We can not stay in the pain and anguish.  We can decide what we will and will not do.  Of course, all of these decisions need to be made with the Lord’s guidance.  We just have to be ready to realize some people will not like it.  Being in the minority is not unusual when you are following God’s guidance.

The following verse is quoted to me in different ways a lot: Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare (peace) and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”   The thing about this verse is – God was talking about after 70 years.  I do love the verse though – because it reminds me God is thinking about me.  God loves and cares about me and you!!  Our good in life may not be today or tomorrow but it will be!!  We will be victorious through Him and Him alone.

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:  “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  Romans 8: 35-39

God loves us.  Jesus loves us.  We need to remember, we need to tell and we need to show this truth.  No matter how hard life is, no matter how we are treated, no matter our circumstances, no matter the hurt – GOD LOVES US!!!

Prayers, love and hugs to all of you Mothers who have lost a child.  I will be praying especially on Mother’s Day.

Manda’s Mom

Family Time

I haven’t written in a while.  I’ve been physically ill, nothing major – just a bunch of minor stuff – one right behind the other.  I’ve also been busy re-potting plants and trying to spruce up the back porch. Anyway –

My momma’s birthday is this coming weekend.  Going to have a family cook-out; well, partial family cook-out.  Some of the family can not make it.  Going to fish and cook hotdogs.  The simple stuff of hanging around the house, talking and playing the kids is the most enjoyable of all.  No big deal.  Just relaxed.

My Momma is such a wonderful woman.  She raised us – 3 of us. We had everything we needed, not everything we wanted.  We weren’t poor but we weren’t rich.  Momma was then and still is a hard working woman.

Momma worked a full time job, cooked supper every night, got us to where we needed to be, cleaned the house (of course, we had our chores!), kept the yard up, and still played with us.

She actually spent a lot of time with us.  I appreciate growing up with a Momma who actually wanted to be with me.  We talked.  We played games together.  Loved playing Rummy, Chinese Checkers, even tag in the yard.  We watched TV together.  We went to the grocery store together.  Momma loves family.  Momma loves to spend time with us.

Momma also took care of my Grandmother and Grandfather.  When my Granddaddy became sick with cancer, Momma was the one who took care of him.  Then after he died, she took care of my Grandma.  She didn’t just take care of her.  She sold her house, the house she loved, and moved in with my Grandma.  She waited on my Grandma and had more patience with her than anyone would have.  When Grandma had to be put in assisted living, Mom checked on her constantly.  Grandma had Alzheimers and it was very difficult on Momma.   While all of this was going on, she still cooked dinners for “family”, was active in Church, took others to doctor’s appointments, fixed food bags for the local school and managed to keep her yard and house spotless.  None of this is to put a less role on my stepfather who is absolutely wonderful – this is about my Momma!

Momma loved her Mom and Dad immensely and spent a lot of time with them.  When they died, it had to be extremely hard on her.  I have to admit, she never really showed it.  Oh, from time to time it showed – but, she is an extremely strong woman.  She honors their memories by telling stories of them, having pictures and some of their things around.  She keeps their memories alive.

I almost forgot to mention.  My brother lives across the street from her.  Momma helps him – he has health issues.  She also helped him raise his children.

Now, Momma has buried a Grandchild.  She loved Amanda dearly.  Amanda reminded me of my Momma in so many ways.  Her petite build, her love for family, and her energy.  Amanda had my Momma’s energy. Always on the go.

I can not remember my Momma putting herself above anyone else.  I can not remember her saying she needed a break from us.  I can not remember her taking a vacation without us when we were growing up.  What I do remember is her wanting to be with us.

She is a Godly example of putting others above herself.

I have thought a lot about Momma these days.  Her birthday in a few days and then Mother’s Day.  Thought about what she would want for her gift/s.  I know exactly what she would love.  Not a big, expensive thing – nope.  Momma would want time with family.  Time.  Plain simple time.

I love my Momma!

Family has changed a lot over the years.  I mean in general.  We now have people clean our houses, eat out, work for better and bigger things, get our nails done, run our kids around the world and back; and of course, the “me” time.  You know, if Momma’s happy it’ll make our kids happy.  We have to have time for ourselves.  Funny thing is – we have no time.

Why write about my Momma on a blog about parents who have had a child die?  Amanda always told me I was the strongest woman she knew, but I’m not.  My Momma is.  She did/does it all.  And all she wants in return is love and time.

If Amanda were here today, she would be right there with the time for the family. Amanda loved spending time with her family.  Amanda loved spending time with us.  I will greatly miss her and her family during the cook-out this weekend.  I know my Momma will, sometimes I forget.  I will greatly miss her and her family Mother’s Day, I know my Momma will too.

Amanda never missed a family dinner.  She knew how important it is/was to everyone.  It was important to her.  Time with family is one way we can make an eternal difference.  Having examples to follow – like my Momma.  Having love and support shown.  Setting an example of putting others above ourselves.  Passing down our faith in God.

Few people consider true eternal meaning today.  We live an “under the sun” life.  Work hard, enjoy life, have fun, be nice, do good works, have nice things, take care of me, positive talk,  – all for the world to see.  Then there is the secret stuff – don’t get caught doing wrong,  don’t talk about it out loud, don’t judge me because my sin is different from yours, keep it behind closed doors – hide it from the world.  Problem is – it’s not the Christian way to live – without God first, it’s all in vain.  And everything comes to light.  Thing is – we are setting an example to everyone around us in the mean time.

Nothing separates a family more than death.  Nothing separates friends more than a death.  It happens over time, but it happens.  Accepting losing Amanda has been hard to say the least, accepting losing others is even worse – hard to believe isn’t it.  At least I know she is better off – she is with Jesus.  I am stuck here in this world without some of the people dearest to me and they are right under my nose.  It stinks too!!

I know it’ll be okay.   I am learning patience more than anything.  I am learning to overlook things I never would have over looked before.  I am learning to appreciate others more.  For example, I need to spend more time with my Momma.  Time is short.  No one knows it more than a mother who has had a child die.  I would like nothing more than to spend some more time with Amanda.  I can’t – but I know my Momma would like nothing more than to spend some time with her family – I can make that happen.

Spend some time with your Momma – especially if she has lost a child.  She needs you, we need you.  Spend time with your family – it makes an eternal difference in the generations to come.

 “But watch out! Be careful never to forget what you yourself have seen. Do not let these memories escape from your mind as long as you live! And be sure to pass them on to your children and grandchildren.” Deu 4:9  (NLT)

“Only take care, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life.  Make them know to your children and your children’s children.” Deu 4:9 (ESV)

Love to all of you Mothers out there!  Hugs and prayers!  Keep fighting and keep living!

Manda’s Mom #APG

Doubting Thomas

Easter was last Sunday.  Resurrection day.   Jesus the Messiah rising from the dead.  A great day of celebration for all Christians.  It’s a time of year I really spend time meditating on the Easter account in scripture.  The meditations began several weeks ago as I prepared for the season of renewal.  I learn something new every time I study His death, resurrection and ascension.

Jesus showed Himself to the disciples in the room where they were hiding.  Thomas was not there.  When the disciples told Thomas they had seen the Lord, his response was what I think was a normal human response.  “Unless I see in His hands the imprint of the nails, and put my finger into the place of the nails, and put my hand into His side, I will not believe.”  John 20:25 The quote has given Thomas the nick name “doubting Thomas”.  Hey, at least Thomas had the nerve to verbalize his true feelings.  Tell it like it was.  Most people keep doubts about Jesus to themselves.

Eight days later, Jesus reappeared.  Jesus addressed Thomas quickly – “Reach here with your finger, and see My hands; and reach here your hand and put it into My side; and do not be unbelieving, but believing.”  John 20:27 Thomas quickly responded with “My Lord and my God!” John 20:28

First off, something I have overlooked, no one told Jesus what Thomas had said.  Yet, Jesus not only knew but addressed Thomas’ doubts exactly.  I forget a lot, Jesus knows.  Jesus knows my heart, my doubts, my fears, my thoughts, my actions and every word spoken.  I also forget He responds and addresses me directly.  I only have to listen, keep my eyes open, and realize He is my Lord and my God!  Jesus!

Secondly, I am a “doubting Thomas”.  During the last two years, I have doubted Jesus often.  Oh, I haven’t said it out loud to anyone, but in my thoughts and actions I have done so.  Without even realizing what I was doing.  Doubting Jesus can take care of situations which so trouble me.  Doubting Jesus’ reasons for Amanda dying so young.  Doubting life.

Trying to handle situations and people on my own is- doubting at its worst.  Doubting His power.  Doubting Jesus can take care of everything.

Thing is, once I realized my sin, asked Jesus to forgive me and turned it over to Him, things have felt so much better.  Now instead of looking at situations and people with a negative outlook, I feel more at peace.  Relationships are better.  Worry is gone.  See, it’s not my place to fix.  It’s not my place to restore.  It’s not my place to heal. It’s not my place to convict.  It is my place to love others, encourage others, teach others, be content in all situations, comfort others and most importantly, lead others to Jesus.  Jesus, all powerful, Jesus.  Jesus, the only reason and way I can handle this life.

Amanda died two years ago on April 11^th.  I miss her every day and often wonder if there will ever be a day when I do not think about her and our family without her.  Listening to other mothers who have lost a child, I don’t think so.  I am thankful there are now more happy thoughts than sad.

Amanda, Her Dad and Her Big Brother – Easter

Jesus knows all.  Jesus is all powerful.  Jesus is my comforter.  Jesus is my friend.  Jesus is with me until the end of the age.  I must learn to trust more and not doubt. I must learn to follow and allow Him to lead. Doubting denies He is The LORD.

One of my favorite passages in the Bible is: Luke 24:5 – 8 “and as the women were terrified and bowed their faces to the ground, the men said to them, “Why do you seek the living One among the dead?  “He is not here, but He has risen. Remember how He spoke to you while He was still in Galilee, saying that the Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and the third day rise again.” And they remembered His words,”

I must remember His words.  I must remember I serve the living Son of God.  I must remember I am not alone.  We are not alone!

I pray these writings bring you some comfort.  I pray it will help you to live life.  To not give up and not give in.

To God be all Glory and Power now and forever!  Amen.

Love and Hugs to all of you.  Manda’s Mom #APG

Dear Amanda

Dear Amanda,

There is not a word for how much I miss you.  I keep imagining you in heaven.  With Jesus, singing praises to Him, dancing and so filled with joy.  Are you singing Holy, Holy, Holy over and over again.  I imagine you running and skipping on the streets of gold, again singing to the top of your lungs.  How’s your mansion look?  Did God monogram everything like you used to do?  (smile)  I keep thinking about how wonderful it must be to constantly be in an atmosphere with no sin.  I just can’t imagine it.

The kids are all doing okay.  Busy with everything- archery, music, softball, and gymnastics.  They ask and talk about you a lot.  We tell them how you were such a good mom and aunt.  Stories of you growing up, time you spent with them, trips we took together and everything else we can remember.  They like pretending they are you.  Playing house, restaurant, hair stylist – even took us on a tour of the Live Nativity with Amanda as our guide. They love looking at pictures of you too.  Ask me for pictures all the time.   The little one ask me to hug him as tight as you used to hug him.  They definitely have not  forgotten you.

I’m trying my best to take care of your dad.  I know you always worried about him!  He’s under a lot of stress, his blood pressure is high now.  I guess it’s to be expected.  He’s not used to the family being so, so, well, I don’t know a word to use.  Anyway, I try not to stress him out too much! (smile)  You know him, he doesn’t like tension – deals with it all day at work.  He’s trying.  He’s scared.  He’s putting on a good face.  He misses you so very much.  He was telling some of the kids this past weekend, he called you “Smurfette” – he loves talking about you.  You were his baby girl.

The Palmetto Half Marathon is tomorrow.  We walked the 5k last year with a bunch of friends.  Not even going this year.  Can’t bring ourselves to go.  Attitudes have changed toward the race.  A friend is going to get us a couple shirts, which is nice.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017 will be 2 years since you met Jesus face to face.  I can’t believe so much time has passed.  So much has changed.  Some good, some bad, some very bad.  But, your dad and I still have hope.  We are both relying on our faith in Jesus.  It helps to know you are with the Lord. We are thankful to know without a doubt.   It’s hard for us though.  Missing you.

Easter is a week from Sunday.  Easter was our last “holiday” together with you.  This will be the first year we will not be with the whole family on Easter.  We don’t have everyone together anymore.  It’s too hard on all of us.  Strange isn’t it.  You would be so disappointed.  Knowing that upsets us too.    Not anything we can do though.

I can’t write any more right now, Punk.  Been a rough week.  Can’t keep my thoughts together enough.  Know this, I will do my best. I will keep going.  Not because I’m strong, like you used to say, but because God is.   I do long to be with Him.  No more pain.  Wiping away tears.  No sin.  I envy you.  “For me to live is Christ, to die is gain.” Phil 1:21 I really understand the verse more now.  I am thankful to not be alone!

I love you, I miss you, kisses – Manda’s Mom #APG