It’s been two years, three months, and 17 days since Amanda died.
In a way, it seems like a long time ago – but it also seems like it was yesterday. Kinda like when the kids were growing up and all of a sudden they were 2 and you can’t believe so much time has passed. Then, you turn around and they were graduating high school. But, there were those times – like during potty training, you felt like it took forever!
I feel like I am in a mud hole trying to walk wearing snow shoes. It’s a mud hole in the Amazon because there are mosquitoes everywhere, taking a little bit of blood with every bite. Struggling with every step and slapping down the mosquitoes trying to eat me alive. I am moving ahead, slowly but surely – not giving up. Trying to get over every bite and not scratch the bumps. Mainly, so they will heal eventually. Scratch the bites and they become bigger and infected.
Negative thoughts, yes. I have negative thoughts – not always. I am being honest about my thoughts today. The world today teaches to have a positive outlook and everything will be okay. Positive thoughts are supposed to overcome all of the hardships in our lives. I am positive of one thing, if you are not honest with yourself – you are running and relying on your own mind.
Truth is the circumstances of my life will not always be positive. Some days are dark, some circumstances are dark – losing my beloved daughter, Amanda Peake Glover, has been beyond dark. Storms come. Dog-gone, hurricanes come. Positive thoughts are not meant to see me through. Nope, if I depend on positive thoughts and other people – I will never be of any use to anyone, I will never be of any use to God.
Truth is I have to depend on Jesus. On His Word, on His promises, on His mercy, on His grace, on His purpose, on His plan, on His sacrifice.
Truth is I may suffer in this life, but it is with a purpose. “In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” 1Peter 1:6&7
Truth is I am brokenhearted but He heals me. “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalms 147:3
Truth is I mourn but He comforts me. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4
Truth is I have troubles but He gives me peace. “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16: 33
Truth is I feel lonely but He is with me. “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:20b
Truth is positive thoughts are depending on me but setting my mind on Christ first thing in the morning is what will change my day. “One positive thought in the morning can change your whole day” – worldly view “If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory. “ Colossians 3: 1-4 – Christ view.
I have had a rough few months. Swatting mosquitoes and trying not to sink in the mud. Without Jesus, I would just stay in bed. Without Jesus, I would not get dressed. Without Jesus, I would not reach out to others. Without Jesus, I would give up. But, I am a child of Christ. He gives me hope! I am not alone! He loves me!!!
Prayers, hugs and love to all of you!
Manda’s Mom #APG
(PS – I started this several days ago – It has now been 2 years, 3 months, 21 days.)
A Parent's Grief - #APG 
You inspire me with your strength and faith I Jesus!
Renee
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Yes, you are doing exactly what our Lord desires, keeping your eyes and heart set on Him. The presence of His Spirit is completely REAL … He causes us to overflow with hope by His power alone. Romans 15:13
I am thankful to read your words as your honesty is VERY NEEDED FOR SO MANY PEOPLE. You are making a difference in more lives than you will know. God bless you every day that He gives you till one day you hug your dear Amanda again.
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Thanks for the encouragement. I understand about it feeling like yesterday and forever all at the same time. I lost my 21 year old son on September 5, 2012, to a tragic vehicle accident. Coming up on 5 years. That is a long long time, yet it is yesterday. Your words have helped me today. One day at a time. ♡
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Thanks as a Christian in grief I sometimes forget to start first w Christ as my heart is broken and I am sometimes barely functioning. You’re so right when my mind is set on Him I do better. I still grieve my beautiful 21 year old Robert, but I have the eternal hope of heaven. Thankyou for your insight
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I so understand about the feeling like it was yesterday. I lost my son on 4/3/15 and it feels like it happened yesterday. We was killed in a tragic vehicle accident on Good Friday going to see his girlfriend. I will never forget opening the front door to two police officers. I wish none of us were living this horrible nightmare. that is what it feels like to me. All I can think about is Jacob would be in his last semester of college, but now I will never get to see him graduate, get married and have children.
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Oh so true! It’s been 14 years since I lost my Shaun & yet it feels like yesterday. Time does have a weird way of flip-flopping on us!
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I too had a broken heart yes i focused on Christ and thought i was doing good. Until a year had passed. The depression was horrible i prayed that Christ would take me home daily but it was not to b. He did direct me to Christian counseling. I have never had and faith n counseling i had tried it before. This time to a friend suggested life hope minestries. I thank God for them all the time. Now i can laugh and not feel guilty i wake up with songs of praise singing through my head and heart. May the Lord of mercy and grace heal u.
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My son was stabbed to death right after his 18 birthday 2/24/17. I too never cared much for counseling . I have off and on struggled with depression through my life. Now I have guilt for the depression I struggled with before my son died, never realized how bad it could be until after the loss of my son! Why couldn’t I be happy then. Of coarse my son brought me much happiness I didn’t realize how much I would cherish those simple memories of time my family spent together , when we were still whole! I still have a young child at home . I love him so much and want to be here for him. I try, sometimes that doesn’t feel enough. I just want to see my son again . I realize now how someone could be ready to die! My youngest son is doing well but I know he needs me and deserves a happy home that is hard for me sometimes! He just started fifth grade . He brought an about me assignment home yesterday it asked him the number of people in his family he said 3 it broke my heart . I know others are suffering with the loss of my son but I feel stuck. Everyone Wales seems to be moving on. I don’t know how!
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This is Tiffany again I had wrong info in on last comment I maid my son was stabbed to death right after his 18 birthday posted comment August 7 this comment has correct info
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My heart breaks for all of thse families ! I will pray for veryone of them fir God to continue to walk this difficult journey with them ! Prayers going up!
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You wrote my thoughts as you describe the day to day after losing a child. I’m thankful we have the promises of God and scriptures to aid us on this extremely difficult journey. I’m so sorry for your loss in this life. We lost our 16 year old son on Good Friday, the day after his 16th birthday. Five years ago, but it hurts like it was yesterday. I pray God gives comfort to you and those hurting with loss.
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My beautiful, loving daughter, Janvier died suddenly in her sleep on July 15, 2017. My boss suggested I try counseling or an online support group. I found your website. An answer to prayer. Like you, I am a Christian and my relationship with Christ is the center of my life and all that I do. I am so grateful to God for finding this site. It is honest, encouraging and refreshing. Thank God and thank you. I am grateful that we are not left to our devices to handle that which we were never equipped to do on our own. ” Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 (NIV)
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I just lost my son June 11th 2017 at the age of 37, the days are long and lonely, we were very close, I know I have to go on some how, I have a younger son Philip thats 31. I trust in the lord that I will find peace, but i cant face anything at this point, just hoping to find others in my shoes.
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I lost my thirty seven year old son to a herion overdose on July29 2017 For the past year I have been telling my husband and sisters that it was all comming to a head ,I just had this nagging feeling that things were going to change. Either he would be in jail or he would die. I just never saw him recovering this horrible disease was just something he could never rid himself of .My beloved son who we all adored has been gone for many years now ,I so miss that young man ,he left with no goodby ,just gone. And the man who chose drugs over family friends And life is the son we have been dealing with for such along time. If I have learned anything these past few years is that we didn’t create this problem and we can’t fix it!! We have had him in inpatient care,on methadon treated for depression seems like there is a strong connection between addiction and depression or some other kind of mental issues. Right now the pain of our loss is fresh and it’s raw ,robert had come down to spend the weekend with us and was found at 7am on the bathroom floor with a needle laying by his side and other drugs on the floor and on the vanity we miss our son so much . And our emotions run the gamut angery ,mad as hell ,so much pain and the what ifs , he did leave us with two sweet blessings who are 9 yrs and 8months.
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Sorry doesn’t do it, but it’s the accepted response, and I sincerely offer my sorrow for the loss of your son. I am going through the same thing since getting the dreaded phone call while wintering in Tampa on March 12, 2018. My son was 44 yrs. old and suffering from depression while taking steroids for body building,which worsened his depression. A neighbor found him on the bathroom floor with the wrapper of the opioid that he took on the vanity top. He didn’t intend to end his life but the drug contained fentanyl, which is one hundred times more powerful than heroine, and that is what killed him.. Only two grains the size of salt will kill. The stories going around about this killer drug must be made known to all. It won’t bring “ My Buddy” back, but I hope everyone reads this and it saves lives. I’m learning how to cope now, but it’s so unreal trying to deal with the worst tragedy of my life. The saying “ No-One should loose a child….. it’s the worst” ….. is true.
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I am so sorry for your loss , I just lost my son (40yrs old ) , on 6/06/18 , it is so painful , I miss him so much , he also had drug issues , I have had odd things happen since his passing ,I do believe it is him just saying hi , I’m ok & that has been very calming & comforting to me , I know he is with the Lord , as your son is , so rest assured your son & mine , they’re struggles are over & they are in a better place then we are . love & prayers to you all ! Renae
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My wounds are fresh. My son took his life on September 22, 2017. Brokenhearted, devastated and lost describe my days and nights. Prayers for peace, Mercy and understanding with Jesus carrying us through each minute. He was only 27 years old. I can’t vision how our lives unfold without him.
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We lost our oldest son in October 2017. I miss him so much.
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I just lost my son on January 26 in a traffic accident. He was 19 years old and had just proposed to his fiancee Christmas.. They were living together and have a son who just celebrated his 1st birthday. I c as nt imagine life without him. He and I were so close as I was a single mother for most of his life. I’m devastated and don’t know how to go on from here
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I believe in God, although I am not going tomorrow Church. Awful to say, I am angry, so many prayer lines and family prayers did not.help. on 10/29/17, I. Felt my beautiful 38 year old daughter’s last heart beat. At that moment part of me died. I have asked God why he let her die instead of suffering so much. She had cancer,but it was not the cause of her death. Complication did. I hear my daughter asking me “mom am I going to die? and me saying no, God has plans for you everyone is praying, he will answer our prayers. He didn’t, he let her die. I have to work so I go and cry all the way there and back. I hurt, my heart to my soul hurts. I wish she was here or I was there. Her death has ripped a.big splint with her husband and my grand children. He decided to let her die. When he told the Dr. To let her go she opened her eyes, all I could see was the scared look. She tried to speak but had a tube down her throat and nose, shortly afterwards the meds kicked in it was too late, he wouldn’t stop . I live every minute wondering what she wanted to say. I fauled her and list my grand children too. I don’t know if I can stand this pain.
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Hello. I have read your postings and I feel a strong connection with you. My daughter left me and her five beautiful children on January 15th, 2018. Diane my daughter was trying to talk but she couldn’t. For a very brief moment it looked like a miracle. She was weaned off of life support and was trying to stay alive but hours later, God said no and He carried her into Heaven.. She looked at me and mouthed the words, “I love you.” The pain and fear in her eyes, I cannot forget. I have intense pain but a part of her lives on in her children. Their father is a jerk who uses the children as ammunition. What also hurts is that other than you all; nobody knows my pain. Like you my belief in God keeps me alive. I am so glad that I found you but wish that it was under different circumstances. May God continue to carry us.
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