Living Peaceably

What am I willing to do to live peaceably with all people?  I have been thinking about it a lot lately.  It seems to be hard to do these days.  Live peaceably.  Scripture tells us in Romans 12:18 “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”  (ESV)  All I can say as there seems to be turmoil surrounding me these last couple of years.

I do realize a lot of it is straight from Satan.  Confusion and strained relationships and hurt and misunderstandings and uncertainty and stress and anxiety are not of God.  I have been told people feel tension around me; not just around me but in the whole room.  So, what am I to do?  I really do not want others to feel uncomfortable.  I want to have a peaceable relationships with all.

It’s why I have had difficulty writing these last few weeks.  What do I say to keep the peace?  What do I do to keep the peace?  How do I make others feel at ease when I am around?

The answer to make some feel more comfortable is to just not be around them.  Stay away.  Simple enough.  There are those I have no choice but to be around, unless I become a hermit.  And then there are others I want to be around.   They enhance my life greatly.

**I started writing this yesterday.  Didn’t finish because I was having a hard day; simply had to go home and go to bed.  Then, well to put it mildly, I lost it with a couple of people.  Said things that I should have kept to myself.  I was too emotional to be handling any situation but I continued on to the point of hurting them.  Lost my self control which in turn hurt someone else.  Not a way to live peaceable with people when it’s in my power to do so.  I apologized but, we all know, words hurt.  I know it very, very, very, well.  I have to learn to give it to God – my emotions – part of being a Christian is living the fruits of the Spirit.  Self-control and gentleness were lost to me last night.  Sin.  My sin.  Galatians 5: 22 & 23 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” 

The following passage is prior to the “Fruits of the Spirit” passage: “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.  Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.” Galatians 5: 16-21

I am thankful I can not lose my salvation.  Jesus paid the price for my sin.  My sins are forgiven.  I am still a sinner.  I sinned with a lack of self-control and gentleness last night.  Being emotional is no excuse.  I have asked the Lord to forgive me.  I have asked them to forgive me.  I am sure I will still pay the price for the sin.  It will take a while for the relationships to heal.  They may not ever be the same. It breaks my heart.

I have a big heart.  I love people.  I really do.  I go in with my whole heart.  It’s why I hurt so deeply. Especially, when I know I have hurt someone.   Especially, when I love someone  and they don’t love me back.  Especially, when I love someone and feel abandoned or wronged.  I have to pray for others more, especially when I feel hurt.  I still love people with my whole heart but there are some I have to avoid.  Bad company ruin good morals.

Amanda’s death does not give me a pass in the way to treat others.  I am to treat them the way I would want them to treat me.  I am to love them as I love myself.  First and foremost I am to love God with my whole heart and live in the Spirit not the flesh.  “And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.” “  Luke 10:27 (ESV)  Anger will never produce the righteousness of God.

Life is difficult.  I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.  The next stone to be thrown.  The next thing to happen that will hurt me to my very core.

It’s hard after losing a child to not allow emotions to control our lives.  After all, we are emotional.  Unless we run and try not to deal with it, we are going to be up and down.  Emotions raging wide and wildly at times.  No one, absolutely no one, can replace the child we have lost. But, we have to remember we are among the living.  We have to treat them as we want to be treated regardless.  We have to love them.  We have to pray for them.  We can choose to not be around those who cause us to stumble or fall – those who are hurting us.  But, we still have to love them and pray extra for them.  We have to try our hardest to live peaceably with all when it’s within our power to do so.

So, what am I willing to do to live peaceably with others?  Live boldly for the Lord.  Live in the Spirit not the flesh.  Love others regardless.  Pray for others, including those who hurt me.  Guard my heart.  Avoid certain people and situations.  It’s all Scriptural.  The Word is my guide – the light to my path.  Yours too.  We are not alone.  Jesus, the same yesterday, today and forever loves us and cares for us.

Love and hugs to all of you

Manda’s Mom #APG

NOTE:  Help and support is hard to find when you have a child die.  I’ve always recommended your family physician first.  I have a great relationship with my Doctor, he has helped me tremendously. 

Secondly I have recommended finding a Psychologist or Psychiatrist through the following links – http://www.apa.org/index.aspx or https://www.psychiatry.org/

I have been doing some research and came across the following web sites that may be of some help.  They have chapters which meet all over the United States.  https://www.compassionatefriends.org and https://www.bereavedparentsusa.org

I hope these will be helpful to you.  I am not endorsing the groups.  I do not really know enough to do so but I thought with so many request, I should share the two major ones I found. 

Mother’s Day after a Child Dies

Amanda and I used do a skit on Mother’s Day in our church.  The skit was more of a reading.  We did it several times over the years.  I loved performing it with her. The skit was about us as Mothers taking care of our children as they were growing up.   Over the years we had people request for us to perform the skit.

Things I would say as a Mom to Amanda –  “Put your sweater on, it’s cold outside.”  “Be careful walking down the steps, you don’t want to fall and break a leg.”  “Hold my hand, we are crossing the road”.  Things Mom do – Tuck them in bed,  kiss and hug them, bandage their boo-boo’s, drive them to wherever they need to go.

Then the skit moved to Amanda saying and doing the same things for me.  How the roles would change to her taking care of me.  Telling me to “Put your sweater on, it’s cold outside.”  I’m sure you get the picture.

In our family, we would get to talking about my husband and myself getting older and/or dying.  I have pointed out several things in my house that are to be passed down.  The kids used to laugh and say the first thing they were going to do was have a garage sell.  They were glad I pointed out the things which would bring the higher price.  My son-in-law used to tell me, I should be very thankful for him.  He would be the one to take care of me.  I always said I know and I was and still am very thankful for him.  As I am for my daughter-in-law.  But the point is – it’s not so funny now.   A parent should never have to bury their child, but unfortunately it happens every day.

Amanda took care of us while she was alive in several ways.  She was my prayer partner.  She would stock up on different grocery items (coupons!) and give them to us.  She would go with me to grocery shop for vacations and would go with me to pick out clothes for the kids – especially the holiday stuff.  I’ve always enjoyed buying their clothes for Easter and Christmas especially.  Amanda would always check to make sure we were alright on our travels.  When we were leaving and when we were coming back.  Any time I had something to prepare for at Church, she was there to help.  Children’s Church, AWANA, Children’s activities….she would make the time.  Amanda was a care giver.  Not just to us, but to her brother and nieces.  Funny, the one thing she wouldn’t do was help clean up the kitchen after family dinners!!

The last month has been absolutely horrible.  That’s putting it mildly actually.  Between the anniversary of her death and Mother’s Day coming, I am struggling.  There are only a couple of people I have told how bad I feel.  But, I am going on.  I dread just about everything.  When I feel like something good is happening or has happened, there is someone or something to blast it all out of the water.

Yes, it has been two years.  No, I am not over it.  Please, try to imagine – burying your child.  Please, try to imagine – your family life being totally disrupted.  Please, try to imagine – people saying horrible things to you.  Please, try to imagine – people do not want to be around you.  Please, try to imagine – your church life being changed drastically.  Please, try to imagine – watching your husband holding in all in.  Please, try to imagine – struggling to find something to talk about around people.  Please, try to imagine – friends ridiculing you for crying.  Please, try to imagine – being hurt over and over again for the past two years.  My daughter died.  She’s not coming back.  I’m not going to “get over it”.  I go on.  I live.  But, I will never get over her death.

Thank God there are few people who send text, send cards, invite us out to dinner and give me hugs.  They realize the struggle.  They understand the gravity of the situation.

One thing I will never do is act like she didn’t exist.  I will not take down all of her pictures and remove the things she made as a child.  I do have my bumper stickers to remind me to “Live, Life, Loud”.  Amanda lived.  She had a family.  She had friends.  Amanda was loved by a lot of people.  Her memory needs to live on for all of us who loved her.  Especially her children.  Amanda was a good example of a Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sister, Aunt, Grandchild and Friend.

I know this blog sounds like I am venting.  I am.  Not just for me, but for all of you out there who have lost a child and people expect more out of you than you can give.  I understand.  I understand how horrible it feels to not be understood at all.  I understand how everything in your life is turned inside out.  I understand some times you just can’t hold it together – not for attention as some will say, but it’s part of our lives now.  I understand others think you should be over it and you are far from it.  I understand the victories are small at times and large at times.  I understand there are periods of time when it’s all you can do to look at another person.  I feel your pain and anguish.

I also know, we can not stay there.  We can not stay in the pain and anguish.  We can decide what we will and will not do.  Of course, all of these decisions need to be made with the Lord’s guidance.  We just have to be ready to realize some people will not like it.  Being in the minority is not unusual when you are following God’s guidance.

The following verse is quoted to me in different ways a lot: Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare (peace) and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”   The thing about this verse is – God was talking about after 70 years.  I do love the verse though – because it reminds me God is thinking about me.  God loves and cares about me and you!!  Our good in life may not be today or tomorrow but it will be!!  We will be victorious through Him and Him alone.

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:  “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  Romans 8: 35-39

God loves us.  Jesus loves us.  We need to remember, we need to tell and we need to show this truth.  No matter how hard life is, no matter how we are treated, no matter our circumstances, no matter the hurt – GOD LOVES US!!!

Prayers, love and hugs to all of you Mothers who have lost a child.  I will be praying especially on Mother’s Day.

Manda’s Mom

Doubting Thomas

Easter was last Sunday.  Resurrection day.   Jesus the Messiah rising from the dead.  A great day of celebration for all Christians.  It’s a time of year I really spend time meditating on the Easter account in scripture.  The meditations began several weeks ago as I prepared for the season of renewal.  I learn something new every time I study His death, resurrection and ascension.

Jesus showed Himself to the disciples in the room where they were hiding.  Thomas was not there.  When the disciples told Thomas they had seen the Lord, his response was what I think was a normal human response.  “Unless I see in His hands the imprint of the nails, and put my finger into the place of the nails, and put my hand into His side, I will not believe.”  John 20:25 The quote has given Thomas the nick name “doubting Thomas”.  Hey, at least Thomas had the nerve to verbalize his true feelings.  Tell it like it was.  Most people keep doubts about Jesus to themselves.

Eight days later, Jesus reappeared.  Jesus addressed Thomas quickly – “Reach here with your finger, and see My hands; and reach here your hand and put it into My side; and do not be unbelieving, but believing.”  John 20:27 Thomas quickly responded with “My Lord and my God!” John 20:28

First off, something I have overlooked, no one told Jesus what Thomas had said.  Yet, Jesus not only knew but addressed Thomas’ doubts exactly.  I forget a lot, Jesus knows.  Jesus knows my heart, my doubts, my fears, my thoughts, my actions and every word spoken.  I also forget He responds and addresses me directly.  I only have to listen, keep my eyes open, and realize He is my Lord and my God!  Jesus!

Secondly, I am a “doubting Thomas”.  During the last two years, I have doubted Jesus often.  Oh, I haven’t said it out loud to anyone, but in my thoughts and actions I have done so.  Without even realizing what I was doing.  Doubting Jesus can take care of situations which so trouble me.  Doubting Jesus’ reasons for Amanda dying so young.  Doubting life.

Trying to handle situations and people on my own is- doubting at its worst.  Doubting His power.  Doubting Jesus can take care of everything.

Thing is, once I realized my sin, asked Jesus to forgive me and turned it over to Him, things have felt so much better.  Now instead of looking at situations and people with a negative outlook, I feel more at peace.  Relationships are better.  Worry is gone.  See, it’s not my place to fix.  It’s not my place to restore.  It’s not my place to heal. It’s not my place to convict.  It is my place to love others, encourage others, teach others, be content in all situations, comfort others and most importantly, lead others to Jesus.  Jesus, all powerful, Jesus.  Jesus, the only reason and way I can handle this life.

Amanda died two years ago on April 11^th.  I miss her every day and often wonder if there will ever be a day when I do not think about her and our family without her.  Listening to other mothers who have lost a child, I don’t think so.  I am thankful there are now more happy thoughts than sad.

Amanda, Her Dad and Her Big Brother – Easter

Jesus knows all.  Jesus is all powerful.  Jesus is my comforter.  Jesus is my friend.  Jesus is with me until the end of the age.  I must learn to trust more and not doubt. I must learn to follow and allow Him to lead. Doubting denies He is The LORD.

One of my favorite passages in the Bible is: Luke 24:5 – 8 “and as the women were terrified and bowed their faces to the ground, the men said to them, “Why do you seek the living One among the dead?  “He is not here, but He has risen. Remember how He spoke to you while He was still in Galilee, saying that the Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and the third day rise again.” And they remembered His words,”

I must remember His words.  I must remember I serve the living Son of God.  I must remember I am not alone.  We are not alone!

I pray these writings bring you some comfort.  I pray it will help you to live life.  To not give up and not give in.

To God be all Glory and Power now and forever!  Amen.

Love and Hugs to all of you.  Manda’s Mom #APG

Dear Amanda

Dear Amanda,

There is not a word for how much I miss you.  I keep imagining you in heaven.  With Jesus, singing praises to Him, dancing and so filled with joy.  Are you singing Holy, Holy, Holy over and over again.  I imagine you running and skipping on the streets of gold, again singing to the top of your lungs.  How’s your mansion look?  Did God monogram everything like you used to do?  (smile)  I keep thinking about how wonderful it must be to constantly be in an atmosphere with no sin.  I just can’t imagine it.

The kids are all doing okay.  Busy with everything- archery, music, softball, and gymnastics.  They ask and talk about you a lot.  We tell them how you were such a good mom and aunt.  Stories of you growing up, time you spent with them, trips we took together and everything else we can remember.  They like pretending they are you.  Playing house, restaurant, hair stylist – even took us on a tour of the Live Nativity with Amanda as our guide. They love looking at pictures of you too.  Ask me for pictures all the time.   The little one ask me to hug him as tight as you used to hug him.  They definitely have not  forgotten you.

I’m trying my best to take care of your dad.  I know you always worried about him!  He’s under a lot of stress, his blood pressure is high now.  I guess it’s to be expected.  He’s not used to the family being so, so, well, I don’t know a word to use.  Anyway, I try not to stress him out too much! (smile)  You know him, he doesn’t like tension – deals with it all day at work.  He’s trying.  He’s scared.  He’s putting on a good face.  He misses you so very much.  He was telling some of the kids this past weekend, he called you “Smurfette” – he loves talking about you.  You were his baby girl.

The Palmetto Half Marathon is tomorrow.  We walked the 5k last year with a bunch of friends.  Not even going this year.  Can’t bring ourselves to go.  Attitudes have changed toward the race.  A friend is going to get us a couple shirts, which is nice.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017 will be 2 years since you met Jesus face to face.  I can’t believe so much time has passed.  So much has changed.  Some good, some bad, some very bad.  But, your dad and I still have hope.  We are both relying on our faith in Jesus.  It helps to know you are with the Lord. We are thankful to know without a doubt.   It’s hard for us though.  Missing you.

Easter is a week from Sunday.  Easter was our last “holiday” together with you.  This will be the first year we will not be with the whole family on Easter.  We don’t have everyone together anymore.  It’s too hard on all of us.  Strange isn’t it.  You would be so disappointed.  Knowing that upsets us too.    Not anything we can do though.

I can’t write any more right now, Punk.  Been a rough week.  Can’t keep my thoughts together enough.  Know this, I will do my best. I will keep going.  Not because I’m strong, like you used to say, but because God is.   I do long to be with Him.  No more pain.  Wiping away tears.  No sin.  I envy you.  “For me to live is Christ, to die is gain.” Phil 1:21 I really understand the verse more now.  I am thankful to not be alone!

I love you, I miss you, kisses – Manda’s Mom #APG

 

Cleaning Closets

Over the last few months I have been going through the closets in the house.  I am trying my best to get rid of things.  You know, the things that pile up and do not have a reason to be kept.  We have been living in the same house for 30 plus years.  A lot of stuff can accumulate in 30 some odd years, especially when you are married to someone who doesn’t like to throw anything away!!

I have been trying to clean out my side of the closet over the last several weeks, actually more like a few months.  It has been very difficult at times.  The master bedroom and closet is where I have kept a lot of the things our children have made for us over the years.  I have kept every card given to me since I was married.  (Funny, because I accuse my husband of being the one who will not throw anything away?!)  The things I keep are sentimental things.  Anyway, I have come across cards the kids have given me, pictures they have made, pottery Amanda made, and a journal written by Amanda when she was in kindergarten.  Several times when I have found something it’s shaken me to the point I’ve just laid down in bed.  This past Saturday is when I came across the journal.

The journal was mostly about me.  It was neat to read.  Simple sentences.  Things like – I am happy because my mommy….. About the only thing written which was not about me was she was happy because we were going to the beach.  What a great thing to have.  Things written in her own little handwriting.

It’s a mixture of joy and sadness when I come across these things.  I am going to have several of the drawings my son and Amanda framed.  I have some drawings from my grandchildren too.  Think it would a wonderful wall to have things framed from all of them.

I went through a lot of the cards.  It was neat to see the handmade cards from the Grandkids.  In the past they always handmade me cards.  It’s a blessing to have these cards still.  Their little handwriting along with their Mom’s when they were too young to write.  I like seeing all the little notes and signatures from everyone; my husband, son, daughter-in-law, Amanda and my son-in-law, along with extended family.

I am a sentimental person.  The things I keep have memories behind them – wooden spools of thread my Grandma used to sew, an old pair of overalls my Granddaddy wore, an old vase my Grandma had in her house for years, an old radio/record player my Granddaddy listened to, my Momma’s crystal glasses, a letter opener my husband received as a gift when he graduated from law school, pottery and papers our children made from preschool thru high school, the kid’s hats, stuffed animals and toys.  Then there are the things from my Grandchildren – cards, drawings, jewelry and what-not’s.  It’s not the stuff; it’s the memories of the people, the situation, the date or the place.

I am not just sentimental about things.  Songs and music will take me right back to a moment in time.  A place, a person, thoughts and memories come flooding back.  It has happened a lot lately.  I quit listening to the radio in my car a few weeks ago because I couldn’t take riding down the road crying anymore.  I think going thru things has caused me more emotional than normal.  Sunday I had a day of music bringing back emotions which I could not handle.  I fell apart several times.  My husband had the radio on while we were getting dressed.  While he was out walking the dog, “I am not alone” by Kari Jobe came on the radio.  It was one of the songs sang at Amanda’s funeral.  Normally, I am uplifted by the song but Sunday I started to cry.  It began a day of crying.  The choir sang “Let the Worshipers Arise” by Phillips, Craig & Dean.  It took me right back to a day Amanda, some of the Grands and I were riding down the road singing the song to the top of our lungs.  It was so much fun that day but Sunday it hit me – we will not sing together again until I get to heaven.  Sobbing again, worst of all – in front of the whole church.  Music is powerful.

Stories are something I love to listen to and tell.  Old stories about things that have happened over the years.  Stories our Grandparents told about their life have been passed down to my children and my grandchildren.  We tell the Grandchildren stories about their parents.  It’s more important now more than ever.  Sunday night someone was giving a praise at church.  They told of a man who was pronounced dead.  The family gathered and prayed.  A while later the family received a call, their loved one was alive!  A miracle.  The story took me right back to Amanda’s bedside the day she died. My prayer for her life.  My prayer to the Lord, knowing He had the power to revive her.  To give her life.  My prayer wasn’t answered the way I wanted it to be.  I am glad for the family who received the great news.  But, once again Sunday, I began to sob.  Couldn’t get out of the room fast enough.  Once again, I fell apart in front of everyone.

I have been more emotional lately.  Struggling more.  Part of it is dealing with the sentimental things at home.  Part of it is the 2^nd anniversary of Amanda’s death coming up.  Part of it is Easter coming.  Part of it is dealing with the loss of relationships.  When I see someone I don’t only deal with the right now, I think about the times and fun we have had over the years.  I love the memories of family and friendship.

I had lunch last week with a friend I have had for years.  We do not get to see each other often but when we do it’s just like we see each other all the time.  We ate lunch and talked.  We talked a few hours – about everything under the sun.  It felt good.  It felt like old times.  We laughed about some of the things our children used to do together.  My son and her son used to act out the “preacher” scene in “Coming to America”; make you laugh so hard until you cried.  Our daughters once locked someone in the dog pen at my house.  Once again, we were laughing out loud.  Not so funny at the time, but it’s hilarious now.

Memories are good.  It’s what the Lord’s Supper/Passover is all about.  Remembering.  It’s a reminder of what God did for the Israelites – making a way, keeping them protected, and sending them to the Promised Land.  The Lord’s Supper was in celebration of the Passover.  It too is a reminder of what Jesus has done for us.  1Co 11:23 – 26 “For I received from the Lord what I also passed on to you: The Lord Jesus, on the night He was betrayed, took bread, and when He had given thanks, He broke it and said, “This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me.” In the same way, after supper he took the cup, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood; do this, whenever you drink it, in remembrance of me. ”For whenever you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death until he comes.”

Being sentimental does not mean you are living in the past or that you are not dealing with the present.  It means today will be my memories for tomorrow.  It means I have memories of people I love.  I like living today, I like remembering yesteryears too.  Sometimes I may become emotional, but it’s okay.  I have new wonderful memories being made.

You see, I have hope and faith too.  Hope in a God who loves me – Psa 62:5 & 6 “Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from Him. Truly He is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.”  I might be a little shaken emotionally but my faith is strong. Faith in an all powerful God, He will see me through the days I fall apart and heal me.  Mar 5:34 “He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.””

To the outside world, I seem to be struggling.  I am in a way.  Emotionally I am a wreck at times.  But, I am not struggling with the everlasting things of life.  I know without a doubt, no matter what comes my way, how much I get hurt, what people say to me or about my family, I am standing on The Rock.  He can do anything!  I trust Jesus.

Love and prayers – Manda’s Mom #APG

“Lipstick on a Pig”

There is an old saying “You can put lipstick on a pig but it’s still a pig”.  Funny, it’s one of the sayings running through my mind a lot lately.  I get up and get dressed just about every morning – just about.  If I leave the house, 99.9% of the time, I put on makeup.  Always have.  I try to look at least decent clothing wise too.  Haven’t always met the mark but I have tried.

One thing I have noticed, since Amanda died, is when I put on makeup and dress up people think I am okay.  “Lipstick on a pig”  I have faked it for a while now.  It hasn’t fooled the people closest to me, but those I just see here and there, or the cashiers in the stores have no idea I have a broken heart.  On some occasions, I have had to leave a store because of a song playing.  One particular time sticks out in my mind; I was at the Dollar General.  It was embarrassing; no one had any idea what was going on to make me break out in tears.  After all, I looked fine on the outside – makeup and all.

There are a lot of people in my life who allow me to be fake about my emotions.  Another “lipstick on a pig” situation.  They like it because they do not have to deal with the deep pain I feel.  Ask me how I’m doing as we walk along and my response is “I’m doing okay”.  I do not lie to the point of saying “I’m good”.  They really do not want to know, don’t want to deal with it.  No deep conversations to be had, which is fine with me.  I really do not want to share in the moment or time.  We are both good keeping it superficial.  It’s part of life.  Believe me – I completely understand.  I wouldn’t want to deal with me either.  It does hurt when it is a friend that I was close to before Amanda died.  Not so much when we have never been close.  It’s just a standard greeting.

On the other hand, there are friends in my life who will be completely frank with me.  They will tell me I am not doing well or I am wrong.  They will tell me they are worried and know of so many others who are worried about me and my husband.  They see past the “lipstick on a pig” to the real hurt and anguish we are feeling.  They also will be honest with me when we do get to talk.  They will wipe the lipstick right off of my face.   The good thing about me most people do not understand is – I will think about what they say to me.  I will admit to them they are right.  Oh, at the moment and time, I may not admit it; will more than likely be defensive – but, I think about, go over it in my mind, pray about it, look at it from their side – then I will decide if they are right or wrong.  I love people who are honest with me, blunt, and truthful.  I don’t mean hateful or mean-spirited.  I mean people who will take the time to talk to me, not in anger, but in love.  I see things in black and white.  For me or against me.  Always have.  Since I was a child.  It has gotten worst since I have gotten older.

In these scenarios, I realize I am calling myself a pig.  I feel like one these days.  A pig is not something you really want to hang around with or be seen with in public. You can’t carry on a conversation with it.  A pig is not something you love, it’s something you eat – it’s good for putting in the frying pan and turning up the heat.  I feel like I am being treated like an animal by some of the people I love the most.  They have decided I am not even worth the effort to be kind to in public.  They have decided I am not worth carrying on a conversation or talking to about important things in life.  They have put me in a frying pen and turned up the heat.

Also, a pig wallows around in the same ole mud day after day.   I was called on being obsessive about certain things, certain situation and certain people.  My friend is exactly right.  I am.  I have always had abandonment issues.  I allow myself to become consumed with those who leave me or in the process of leaving me.  I allow myself to become consumed with the things they have said or say to me.  Particularly when I know they are not seeing the whole picture.  More importantly, when they have no idea just how much I love them.  How much I miss them.  So, yes, I do become consumed and obsessive.  It’s is something I have to work to fix.  I need to learn to let things and yes, some people go.  I don’t want to.  I want to hold on to them with every fiber of my being but I have to wait on the Lord to fix the situation.  I have to allow the Lord to open their eyes and show them how much I love them.  I have to quit picking up the same ole stuff, rolling around in the same ole mud.

It is no secret that the death of a loved one adds extreme stress on a family.  It causes separation and anxiety and depression and strain.  It’s very common for families to split and have conflict, even years later.  Our family has been no different.  I know yours is probably in the same boat.  I receive email and messages day after day saying so.  We put our cover on and deal with our families without being completely honest.  We tell part of the truth.  We say things we do not really mean.  We say what we think the other person wants to hear.  We make promises we can not possibly keep or do not even remember making.  We are unforgiving to those who have been with us for years.  We are unloving to those who are closest to us.  Why? Well, it’s easier.  It’s a way to not deal with the pain.  It’s a way to run.  If we push people away, then we do not have to deal with our emotions.  We can claim we are doing well because those closest to us are gone.  We put our lipstick on and continue on in an unknown direction.  Dealing with our grief, our sorrow, our loss, our depression and our humanness all by ourselves.  Alone or with a totally new group of people.  People who can not see us for who we really are, what we are really feeling or do not remind us of our dead loved one.  It’s a very common way to respond.

Common response, but not the way it is supposed to be.  We should be there for each other.  We should be able to talk things through.  We should be forgiving and loving.  Kind and considerate.   We (my husband and I) took the time this past weekend to talk to some people we love very much.  Go to them in love and share what is on our hearts.  It’s what God calls for in His Word.  “Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.” Hebrews 12:14 (ESV)  “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”  Ephesians 4:32  (ESV) “Leave your gift there before the altar and go.  First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”  Matthew 5:24 (ESV)  “And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?” Matthew 18:33 (ESV)

We have to open our eyes and realize – we need each other.  We have to realize the struggle everyone is going through and everyone’s reactions and emotions are all over the place.  We also have to realize words repeated to us are not always the truth.  There are a lot of people in the world who are what I call “Soap Opera People” – they love drama and love to help create it.   We, those of us who have lost a child, should realize above everyone else – life is way too short to spend it in the same ole mud.

I am praying for the Lord to soften hearts, open eyes, forgiving spirits, and reconciliation with those I have pushed away and who have pushed me away. I am praying for my attention to not be obsessive or consumed on things of this world but on Him, and Him alone.  Everything else will fall into place.  I can not be whole with the Lord while I am not reconciled with people.  “Lipstick” don’t work with God, He knows what we really are and what we really think and what we really feel.  We are not pigs – we are a child of the King!

I have been working on this blog since a week ago.  Wednesday night someone actually used the quote “lipstick on a pig”.  I told him it’s so amazing how God uses people without them even knowing.  I haven’t heard the quote in years and up it pops.  I was having doubts about this blog.  The Lord gave me a little push.

I hope it helps you to realize, you are not alone.  Most of us are dealing with the same struggles.  Most of us are putting “lipstick on a pig”.  Hopefully, we will learn to be ourselves, honest about how we feel and deal with each other in love.

Love to all of you,  Manda’s Mom #APG

Memories

I went to the wedding ceremony of my nephew and his new bride this weekend.  It was a beautiful wedding.  The weather didn’t want to cooperate but it was still beautiful.  My grandchildren were in the wedding; of course, I enjoyed watching them participate in the ceremony and dancing with joy at the reception.  As special as the wedding was to me, I know it was even more special to the parents.  They will remember it forever.   All kinds of small details.  All the joy.  All the smiles of their children.  The stress too.  It’s just something remarkable about the marriage of your own child.

This month Amanda would have been married 11 years.  The planning was aggravating and fun.  She was adamant about some things and couldn’t care less about others.  Spent many late nights on the internet trying to find special things for the wedding.  M&M’s with their names, coffee cups, matches “A Perfect Match” on them,  and scrolls; just a few of the things.

The rehearsal was fun.  A lifelong friend was the “stand-in” bride.  She wanted people involved in the wedding who watched her grow up.  Special people who help mold her into the person she became.  It was great having them around at such a wonderful time of celebration.  Lot’s of laughter and joy with the “wedding party”.  I remember, we kept picking on the wedding director because she was so nervous.  It was a very nice evening.  I just kept hoping we had thought of everything.

The wedding day was like a lot of wedding days, hectic.  Started early in the morning getting hair fixed.  Getting pictures made without the Bride and Groom together.  Lot’s of very special moments, times before the ceremony I hope I will always remember.  Standing at the glass doors watching the rain come down in sheets, holding hands.  My oldest granddaughter, Amanda’s niece,  running around playing with everything.  Amanda picking her up several times just squeezing her.  They had such a special bond.  Laughing at each other.  Laughing about how nervous her daddy was.  Watching her get her makeup done – well, watching her tell the lady how she was to apply it!  The hugs and laughter she enjoyed between her closest friends.  Hugs and laughter with her brother. Her last words before I had to go out – “I love you, Momma, it’s the last time I’ll say it single.”  Me – “I love you too Punk, you are so beautiful, inside and out.  I’m so proud of you.”

The ceremony glimpses – her brother bringing her around the church trying to keep her dry.  One of my best friends in the world walking me to be seated to the song You Happened to Me, by Larry Gatlin. It was the song my husband sang to me as I walked down the isle.  Her husband looking so nervous and handsome and happy.  The Groom, his Daddy, the Pastor and my husband standing up front.  Bridesmaids and Groomsmen walking down the isle. The flower girl so tiny and smart – throwing down petals and smiling and waving and saying hi to everyone.  My good-looking, loving son standing with his gorgeous sister at the back of the church as my husband, Amanda’s daddy sang Butterfly Kisses, by Bob Carlisle to his little girl.  I still do not know how he got through it.  Then he went to the back of the church, took his little girls hand, walked her to the front and gave her away.  It was amazing to watch.  Then the marriage vows – which I am proud to say, Amanda realized was a vow to God she was making.  Exchanging “I do’s” and rings.  Lighting of the Unity Candle to When God Made You, by Newsong; sang by a couple who ended up singing at her funeral.  She loved to hear them sing.

Introduction of Mr. and Mrs.!  Scripture read -Ruth 1: 16 & 17 “Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me.” 

The memories of her dancing with her new husband, her father and her brother at the reception.  The chocolate fountain with kids having a blast.  Food and fun.

Yep, memories of a wonderful, gleeful, hectic, fun, serious, tiring, solemn, extremely important, life changing day.

It’s a day I hold precious more so these days.  Seeing her so very happy.  It’s one of those days, I would go back to if I could.

We all have those days we would like to go back to and enjoy again.  They become more important in your memory when your child dies.  It’s not just true for me as a Mom though.

Children have those times too.  Sometimes we forget there are things and places which remind them of their mother.  We walked over a bridge yesterday with children and the remark was made about wanting to go back to a day or standing there until she appeared.  I am thankful they freely ask me and my husband questions and talk about her with us.  I can only reply – I know baby, me too.

It’s hard for me to continue on living without her.  I know some people think I should have my “new normal” (whatever that is) by now.  I am thankful for those who are still here.  I really am.  I have to keep reminding myself there are still a lot of people left in my life.  I love my husband.  I love my children.  I love my grandchildren.  I know each and every one of them have those same times and memories they would like to go back and experience again.  Sometimes, the memories bring you great joy, other times you just ache.

Unless my mind goes, my memory is lost for some reason, I believe, I will always have times of an unbelievable urge to hold her again, talk to her again.  I also believe, I will have memories, moments frozen in my mind which will bring me, gladness, joy and happiness.  There will also always be times where the two will be mixed.

Hoping today your memories will bring you gladness, joy and happiness.  Praying for y’all.  Remember we are not alone.

Love and Hugs to all of you, Manda’s Mom #APG

Consequences

Well, Monday I did what I have advised everyone not to do.  I stayed in bed all day.  I didn’t take a shower or change out of my pajamas.  I did get some laundry done with the help of my understanding husband.

It all started Sunday morning.  I went out to Amanda’s grave to change the flowers.  I had not changed them since Christmas and I knew I needed to get new ones out just in case someone decided to visit the grave.  I walked up thinking it was a matter of switching one set of flowers for another only to find the extra vases for her children and husband were broken.  Pieces all over the place.  I left because I didn’t want people arriving for service to see me so upset.

After a little while, I returned.  I picked up the broken pieces as best I could.  Saved the pieces the children had written on with chalk.  Crying and trying to hold myself together.  I kept thinking really Cindy, get it together.  This is just crazy.  Allowing broken pieces of pottery to upset you to this point.  My husband eventually came out looking for me.  As I showed him what happened, I could see the look on his face.  I realized, maybe I’m not as crazy as I think.  He held me as I fell to pieces on the backside of my car; didn’t want anyone to see me cry!

It seems like a small thing.  Vases broken.  I was mad and hurt and weeping all at the same time.  Over broken vases.

I pulled it together to eat lunch with my son and his children and then I went home and went to bed.  Stayed in bed or close to it the rest of the day.  Slept.  You would think I would have not been able to sleep Sunday night, but no, slept through the night.  Well, my normal sleeping through the night.  Got up Monday morning around 4, studied my Bible.  Went back to bed and stayed there most of the day.  Why?  Just because I didn’t have the will to do anything else.  I was angry with myself for giving up.  Kept telling myself to get dressed.  Tried to talk myself into going to work.  But, I just couldn’t.  I kept thinking about the grave.

The grave which holds my daughter body.  The small lonely looking place.  The place, for some reason, I am in charge of keeping up – just in case the kids go out to visit.  I know without a doubt she is in heaven, but it’s still her grave.  It’s a place with her name  – AMANDA PEAKE GLOVER.  Her date of birth, her date of death and a scripture.  “Her children rise up and call her blessed; Her husband also, and he praises her” Proverbs 31:28.  Her initials are on the permanent vase.  Normally also, the extra vases for the kids and her husband.

The vases were purchased from Hobby Lobby, so they were not expensive.  They were painted with chalkboard paint so the children could leave notes for their Momma.  Something they told me they wanted to do.  I have already ordered more permanent replacements.   I also ordered a footstone with Proverbs 31: 29 – “Many daughters have done well, but you excel them all.”  It’s for me and my husband.  It adds the fact that she was a daughter too.

A daughter.  Our daughter – her father and mother’s own flesh and blood.  That is what hit me so hard Sunday.  I’m her mother on my hands and knees picking up pieces of shattered ceramic and glass off of my daughters grave.  It shouldn’t be.

Things like a shattered vase hits us (those of us who have lost a child) like a ton of bricks sometimes.  It brings us to our knees.  It shuts us down for a time period.  No matter how much you tell yourself to get up, you just can’t.  Not today.  Not at this minute.  I knew I needed to get a shower.  I knew it would be best to get up and not give in to the temptation to quit.  I knew all the right things.  I just couldn’t.

During the times I was awake, I went through her life in my mind.  I am sure you have done the same thing.  She was born Amanda Hope Peake.  Slept through the night from the time she came home from the hospital.  Baby full of laughter.  Toddler so very stubborn.  She loved school, played school long before she went.  Made good grades, involved in plays and ball.  High school life was full.  Getting married to someone who made her beam.  Having children and excelled as a mother.  Then, the horrible day of the race.  More detailed than the above list, but you get the picture.  Special moments, special trips, special times all highlighted.

Then, I allowed my mind to drift to now.  The stress.  The loneliness.  The division.  The abandonment.  The frustration.  The silence.  The questions.  The unknowing.   The hurt.  The weakness.

I would like to say I had some revelation from God which got me out of bed Tuesday.  Some word or encouragement from a friend which got me dressed.  Nothing really, except one small fact.  I knew- I had to get up and get dressed.  If I didn’t, if I stayed home and in bed one more day, it wouldn’t change.  I would be there for a week, two weeks, a month.  I don’t want to live in bed.

One thing I know without a doubt, it would be a victory for Satan.  He would like nothing more than to take my faith, my witness, and my hope away.  He likes to use the little things to make us stumble.  Things we don’t know are coming.  Hit us out of the blue.

I know people who believe life is about thinking positively – positive thoughts will see you through.  After all, God wants good for you.  Nothing wrong with positive thoughts but positive thoughts will not always see you through – it’s not the complete story.  There was nothing positive about those vases laying in pieces on her grave.  Nope, not at all.  There has to be a mixture of consequences for your actions.  The consequences of laying in the bed forever are huge.  It’s not a price I am willing to pay.  In this day and time of all is good and fun and happy, we forget there is also seasons of life.  “A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance;” Ecc 3:4.

Fear of what would happen if I did something wrong kept me out of a lot of trouble growing up.  Momma didn’t play!  Fear of what the consequences could be, keep me going at times today.  I do not want my grandchildren to remember me as someone who gave up or gave in.  I want to them to remember their Grandma went on, even after the death of her child, their mother, their aunt.  I want them to remember – I have faith in God, I have hope because of God, I will see Amanda one day because I know Jesus.  I want them to know, Jesus is the only way to get through this.  His strength is what sustains me, I am very weak.  And yes, I want them to remember, there are consequences for even the smallest action – like deciding whether to get up and get dressed. God does not want us to merely feel good; He wants us to be good.  A witness for Him lost is a hard thing to recover.  Love also consist of breaking a leg to reset it.

‘“Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.” John 9:3

So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.  1 Peter 4:19

“See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.  For My own sake, for My own sake, I do this.” Isaiah 48:10 & 11a

It’s a hard pill to swallow.  It’s truth.  I have to continue, I can not give up and I can not give in.  The consequences are too great to do otherwise.  I want everyone to know, Jesus gives me strength.  I want the works of God displayed in me.  I have faith in the faithful Creator.  I want to continue to do good.  I want to be a good witness for Him in this world.  After all, He is the only One who picks up the pieces of my life and creates a new creation.

Love, hugs and prayers – Manda’s Mom #APG

Stressed Much?

First and foremost – I am not a Doctor of any kind.  This is just from some of my own research and talking with my Doctors.  This is my experience – not medical advice. 

Stress – tension, anxious, worry, overtaxed, pressure.

I wish I had a dollar for every time a Doctor has told me to reduce my stress level.  I am stressed a lot here lately; I’m more stressed than I’ve ever been in my life.  It took me a while to recognize just how bad it has gotten.  One of the symptoms of stress is depression but in turn depression can cause stress.   Hand in hand, but different too.

Emotionally stress makes me agitated, moody and frustrated easily.  Makes it hard to quiet my mind and makes it hard to relax.  The racing thoughts are horrible and I absolutely despise the forgetfulness because I can not concentrate.  The lack of concentration makes it hard to carry on conversations.  So, in turn, I avoid people at times.  Feelings of being completely overwhelmed and frustrated are common to me.

Physically, I have low energy, headaches, rapid heartbeat and my blood pressure is high.  I’ve never had high blood pressure until Amanda died.  I previously dealt with IBS which had disappeared after I had surgery for Colon Cancer 10 years ago.  Now, it’s back.  At times I shake – on the outside and the inside.  I have lost weight.  I grind my teeth.  My sleep pattern is all over the place. Just a few of the physical challenges I have gone through.

Depression actually includes most of, if not all of the above symptoms.  But it includes a few other things too.  A lack of interest in life – especially things that gave you pleasure, like a hobby.  It will also cause a feeling of persistent sadness, feeling of hopelessness, and/or a feeling of emptiness.

I think we are warned and people watch for the depression after the death of a child.  But, I believe the stress of learning to live without our loved one is overlooked.    Stress can be caused by so many things.  Health, finances, work, dead-lines, marital problems and too many irons in the fire are just a few.  But, stress from the death of a child hit me out of the blue.  I didn’t expect life to be so very stressful.  I didn’t expect to feel the stress of trying to get along with everyone.  I didn’t expect the stress of what to say or what to do.  I didn’t expect the stress of feeling like the world is on my shoulders.  I didn’t expect the stress others would interject.  I feel like I didn’t have a warning.

I knew to watch out for depression.  It’s why I have said over and over to get out of bed and get dressed.  Do something, whether it’s going to work or cleaning a counter.  Don’t give up and don’t give in.  Realizing the stressfulness has hit me out of the blue.  I knew I was going through a hard time; I just didn’t have a name for it.  Then I realized last night.  I am overly stressed.

I have become angry at a lot of things and people.  It makes me want to run or retreat into my own little world.  I have also become cold towards others.  All of which is sin.  The way I react to the stress is totally up to me.  The world will offer many things to reduce stress – some are “good” and some are “bad” – meditation, yoga, exercise, playing calm music, positive thoughts, guided imagery, alcohol, drugs and food.   I have a choice.  I can be hateful and angry.  I can be withdrawn.  I can be cold. I can handle it the world’s way or I can handle it God’s way.  It’s my decision, no one else’s.

Scripture has a lot to say about stress/anxiety.  Proverbs 12:25 “Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, but a good word makes it glad.”  (NKJV)   Philippians 4:6&7 “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (ESV) Psalm 55:22 “Cast your burden on the LORD, and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved.”  1Peter 5:6-9a “Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.  Be of sober spirit, be on the alert.  Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.  But resist him, firm in your faith” (NASB) Matthew 11: 28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

I have some casting to do.  I have some praying to do.  I have some thanking to do.  I have some learning to do.  I have to be alert and realize the devil is a destroyer; he loves chaos, division and darkness.  I have to humble myself.  The stress is from me trying to fix things that are out of my control.  I have to turn back to my faith.  With God all things are possible!  I can’t give up – I have to hang onto hope.   With me on my own nothing is possible.  I can not fix life and end up with a positive outcome.  God cares for me.

Doctors are used by God.  I know it without a doubt.  He has used mine.  Never hesitate to go to a Physician, Counselor, Therapist, Psychologist,  Psychiatrist or a Grief Support Group.  Prescription drugs (prescribed by a Doctor, not off the street) can help.  Therapy can help.  We should use all the resources God has given us.

People can make a difference.  I am thankful for the friends who have given me a good word.  I am thankful for the friends who give me hugs.  I am thankful for the notes and messages from y’all (mostly complete strangers!) who have given me encouragement.  I am thankful for the friends who have given me an ear.  I am thankful for those praying for my family.  You have all made a difference in my life.

Love, prayer and hugs to all of you.  Remember – God cares.

Manda’s Mom #APG

Hard Week

This week has been a hard one.  What brought it on?  People.  Things.  Situations.  Actions.  Some times it’s just too much for the day or the moment or the week.  I’m tired.  My husband is tired.  But God!

We may be having a hard time but it’s not hopeless.  We may be having a hard time but we are not alone.  We may be having a hard time but we know the Son is shining.  We may be having a hard time but we know in Who we trust.

Scripture uplifts us – Romans 8:26-28 “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.  And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit interceded for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” 

Sometimes, bad things happen or are happening but I trust in the end it will work for good for those of us who love God.  Even the death of Amanda.  Even the events that have happened since.  Will I see it on this side of eternity?  I don’t know.   Am I scared when I can in a way see a small glimpse of the future (unless God intervenes)?  Sometimes.  Am I discouraged?  Sometimes.  But it’s not of God, it is Satan trying to stop me in my tracks, trying to get me discouraged.  Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” 

I have to pray.  “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  Phil 4:6 & 7

I have to trust.  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”  Proverbs 3:5-6.”

I have to look.  “While we look not at the things which are seen but at the things which are not seen:  for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not see are eternal.”  2 Cor. 4:18

I have to guard.  “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23

I have to follow.  “Lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; for You I wait all the day.”  Psalms 25:5

I have to seek.  “Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.” Col. 3:1

How?  Through faith in the Lord.  “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”  Hebrews 11:1 “And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.”  Hebrews 11:6– take time to read the whole chapter, it’s a up-lifter!

So, it may be a hard week.  But God.  I have faith in God.  I trust the Lord.  Because of Him I will get up and get going.  He will uphold me.  He loves me.  He will direct my path.

We are not alone.  Jesus does love us.  Jesus gives us comfort and peace.  Jesus gives us strength.  Jesus gives us joy.  Thanks be to God!  He is the only way to continue on.

Love to all of you, prayers for you and your family as you go through this life without your child. 

Manda’s Mom #APG